Plank-Fu

The CIA’s top agents are being killed off by international planking assassins. The agency turns to the greatest planker of all time to get to the bottom of it. Gavin “Stiffy” Johnson, the American planking legend, makes his film debut in a martial arts spectacular unlike anything you’ve seen before. When the deadly secrets of the East and the planking skills of the West are united in an Olympic-class planker, the results are astounding: the Plank-Fu warrior! Gavin must use all his planking prowess to uncover the truth (by impersonating a corpse or by hoping nobody notices him) and defeat the bad guys (by lying motionless and hoping they trip over him). In the end it all comes down to a deadly plank-off, pitting Gavin against Lord Plankington (Eric Roberts), the man who invented the patent for planking.

The skill of planking. The kill of kung-fu. This February, will you Plank-Fu?

The Family Circus

Middle-aged middle management office drone Bill Circus (George Clooney) is having a mid-life crisis. He never became the successful cartoonist he always dreamed he’d be. He hates his kids, depicted as creepy CGI creations. They’re obnoxious. They have a lousy sense of humor. And they’re sucking the creative life out of him. When his wife Thelma (Judy Greer) announces she’s pregnant with their fourth child, Bill finally snaps. He quits his job, locks himself in the home office and draws comics. For hours on end. For days on end.

Bill Keane’s syndicated comic strip hits the big screen in the most subversive adaptation since Paul Verhoeven’s Starship Troopers. Directed by Alexander Payne (Sideways, About Schmidt, The Descendants).

Horsin’ Around

Lovelorn comedy blogger Miles Vogel (Andy Samberg) was ready to give up on the Internet dating scene… until he met Skylar (Zooey Deschanel). She’s quirky, she’s funny, she’s smart. She’s gorgeous. But when he finally meets her in person he discovers she’s also a centaur! Miles is put-off at first by the horsy smell, the accusations of bestiality, and the fact that she legally has to wear a diaper in public. But he learns not to look this gift horse in the mouth and sees her for who she truly is — a sexy woman with horse parts.

But Skylar has a dark past. She was summoned to this realm by Dougie Doyton (Patton Oswalt), an amateur ice wizard/D & D enthusiast/tech support operator, who wants to make her his queen. But Skylar dumped him, and ever since, he’s been using his ice-lightning to dispose of all her potential boyfriends. And Miles is his next target.

Boy Meets Centaur. Boy Loses Centaur. Boy Battles Evil Ice Wizard in Magical Fantasy Realm. Just your typical, average, everyday love story.

The Film Critic

Roger Siskel (Kevin James) is a schlubby TV film critic who gives glowing reviews to everything he sees. But when an artificial coconut falls on his head while dining at the Rainforest Café, he suffers brain damage that makes him give only negative reviews. His review of Fart of Dixie is particularly scathing, causing the film to flop at the box office. Its star (Adam Sandler, as himself) vows on behalf of lowbrow comedy actors everywhere to give Roger a taste of his own medicine. He makes Roger’s life as miserable as film critics have made his. If you like watching Kevin James get hit in the groin, you’ll be in hit-in-the-groin heaven!

By the end of this thinly veiled jab at critics’ contempt for Happy Madison’s output, Roger and all the other Rogers of the world learn that movies aren’t really about artistry, technical proficiency, or even coherent storylines. They’re really all about how much product placement you can cram into 90 minutes. Try the NEW Caribbean Coconut Curry Shrimp, only at the Rainforest Café: part adventure, part restaurant and wholly entertaining for the whole family. Rainforest Café.

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This video was funded by the Sextamale Dadhood Alliance of Lesser Florida. Please oppose Proposition 75!

And now, the big one – the 2011 Year-Endies Person of the Year. Like Time, every year we name one person who mattered the most to the planet at large. And like Time, we got lazy and gave it to a vague distillation of many different people.

We always thought it was interesting to be able to name a singular human that had affected the rest of their race more than any other. Well, we got busy. And we really meant to sit down this week and go through all the candidates but there were other awards to do and… yeah. Going with “The Occupier”.

It’s not like there weren’t worthy candidates. Barack Obama probably had the greatest impact on the world. A lot of folks were pretty interested in Kate Middleton. And Steve Jobs touched more people in death than almost anyone has in life. They’re all risky choices, which is another reason we chose “The Occupier”. It’s safe and we didn’t have to think about it for too long.

If we wanted to highlight the Occupy movement, maybe we should have named a Group of the Year. Or the News Story of the Year. You’re probably right. But here we are. Like we said, major time crunch.

Happy New Year!

Best Knock-off Cheerios Brand:
Wheaty Loops

Sickest Tat:
Tribal Apple Logo

Sickest Cat:
Moldy Pete

Worst Groupon:
$19 for $40 Worth of Titty-Twisters at Robb’s Bully Gully

Best CAPTCHA:
SPoileD BeANs

Best Supreme Court Ruling:
Use of the Phrase “Let’s Roll The Dice” Now Punishable By Death

Most Cloyingly Cute, Terrible Cat Name, Ugh:
Wuffle Pawsers

Most Heroic, Awesome, Just Wonderful Dog Name, Good Dog:
Duke

Best Shared Interest of Kindly Grandparents, 15-Year-Old Idiots:
Bath Salts

Most Popular Comedy Website, Demographic: 12-14 Year Old Autistic Children in Manitoba:
Fun Time Internet

33 brands of relish from 5 countries and 2 continents, assessed for critical qualities like sweetness, freshness, consistency and the all-important “Wow Factor”. It wasn’t an easy call to make – there have been tremendous strides made in the field of home-pickled relish, and Vlasic had a great year. But in the end, it is the perennial favorite that takes the prize.

Congratulations to Heinz! Accepting the award is Jessica Jackson of Heinz North America.

Worst Christmas Special:
“What’s a Hanukkah, Charlie Brown?”

Coolest Spy Movie:
Agent C.H.I.M.P. 3: Evolution Protocol

Best Celebrity Roaster:
GE Model H3K: “The Fiesta” (Industrial-Size, Non-Stick)

Weirdest Music Death:
Jazz Musician Gil Scott-Heron, 62, Strangled By Heron

Buggiest Game, Video:
Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Buggiest Game, Outdoor:
Swamp Bowling

Best Sports Video Game:
Marvis Tudgeon’s Pro Swamp Bowling 2K11

Sickest Anthony Kiedis Lyric:
“Zip zop zoopa and I’m bustin’ through / Peace, love and California’s what I say to you”

Highest Ratio of Black Band Members to Shittiest Music Produced:
Dave Matthews Band (12th Year Running)

Hottest Slash Fanfic:
Harry Potter/Tony Soprano in Meadow Goes To Hogwarts (by Dark_Dragon81)

Newest Movie Theatre Trend:
Charging More For Three-Dimensional Movies (Deathly Hallows Pt. 2), Less For One-Dimensional Movies (Jack and Jill)

News Event Most Mistaken for a Sexual Act:
Arab Spring

Top Sports Story:
One Team Scores Lots of Points, Other Team Scores More

Most Evil, Freedom-Hating Muslim Usurper, According To My Uncle Rod’s Website, RandianRod.com:
Barack Obama

Fastest Growing Religion, 2011:
Cyber-Rastafarianism

Fastest Growing Religious Accessory:
Bionic Dreads (Cyber-Rastafarianism)

Most Violently Suppressed Occupy Movement:
Occupy Duckburg

Best Corporate Mascot To Get Blazed With:
Chester Cheetah (4th Year Running)

Best Corporate Mascot To Set Ablaze:
Michelin Man

Worst Dictator:
Like, The Media, Man.

In the meantime, enjoy the 2009 Year-Endies right… here. Note that the 2010 Year-Endies were cancelled due to the tragic North American plaque shortage.

Eddie (Quaid) and his wife Catherine (once again played by Miriam Flynn) have yet again fallen on hard times. Having lost their “dirt farm” and their beloved RV, the Johnson family are now living with Clark Griswold’s daughter Audrey, who serves no purpose but to reassure viewers that they’re watching a legitimate continuation of the series, and not a bargain bin bastardization à la Home Alone 4. Dana Barron plays the role of Audrey, a role she originated in the first Vacation. But if this is a follow up to Christmas Vacation, then shouldn’t she be played by Juliette Lewis? Or, in keeping with the tradition of the series, a different actress entirely? Is a little consistency too much to ask for?

Eddie works as a test subject for the government’s “nuclear research” division. His job involves being injected with nuclear waste and performing intelligence tests against a chimpanzee.

And the chimp wins every time. ‘Cause monkeys are funny, right? And the dumb-dumbs who eat this kind of shit up can relate to Eddie’s stupidity, right? The cheap laughs in these scenes would’ve been easier to bear if they hadn’t dragged Fred Willard in to play the head scientist. It’s absolutely absurd to see a comic actor of this caliber slumming around in trash like this. It would be like if Sir Ben Kingsley starred in an Uwe Boll film.

Oh wait, that actually happened.

Eddie is fired for being stupider than the monkey. And then for some reason the monkey bites him. In the butt. There’s hardly any motivation behind the ape attack. It’s just an arbitrary contrivance to move the plot forward. And dumb-dumbs love them some butt jokes, amirite? Fearing a lawsuit, Fred Willard offers Eddie and his family an all-expenses paid vacation to the South Pacific.  That’s the kind of flimsy set-up you’d expect from a latter day “Simpsons” episode.

And just like a latter day “Simpsons”, both the story and the jokes are painfully underdeveloped, unfunny, incoherent, and bordering on desperate. After a zany scene involving shark fishing and some of the most unconvincing green screen photography I’ve ever seen, the Johnson family is marooned on a desert island, where Gilligan-esque antics ensue. Eddie must prove himself a man by building a bamboo shelter, which collapses immediately after completion, and killing a vicious wild boar, which is obviously a gentle and disoriented farm pig. And then a plane arrives and rescues them, which pretty much renders all Eddie’s manly accomplishments pointless. There is an attempt in the third act to make Eddie look the hero by having him safely land the plane after the pilot is incapacitated. But this is a hollow victory since Eddie was the one who injured the pilot in the first place.

Christmas Vacation 2 has a surprisingly ambitious premise for a low budget telefilm. It reunites many past Vacation cast members – including Eric Idle, who reprises his role as the perpetually abused British tourist from European Vacation. And unlike the diabolical debacle of Home Alone 4, this movie actually looks like a movie. A cheap movie, yes, but one intended for theatrical release. It never feels like a claustrophobic studio-bound film. Many of the scenes on the desert island are actually shot outdoors, providing some sense of authenticity.

It’s the seemingly unending barrage of relentlessly unfunny gags that sabotage this production. Eddie spouts such bon mots as, “Haven’t walked this much since m’last trip to Wal-Mart” and “I hope they got a pooper on this thing ‘cause that fried eel’s headin’ due south!” Snots, Eddie’s frequently farting dog from Christmas Vacation, is back. While his flatulence problem was previously a minor gag, this time it’s the most overly used recurring joke in the whole movie.

Unless you count the whole “Eddie is borderline retarded” bit as a recurring joke.

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