The best gift is often the one you give yourself. And when you can get some other dude to foot the bill, it’s that much sweeter. We’ve gone through our fair share of paid go-fers, grunts and go-fetchers here at the site, and they’ve all proven to be weak-willed and incapable of purchasing drugs for us. Back to the welfare line with ye!
That’s when we had an epiphany: why pay when you don’t have to? We were ignoring the biggest employee resource of all: those bound to serve you by the terms of their education. Interns! Colleges and universities are always pimping their students out to willing John companies, and like the best kind of pimp, they don’t care if you rough ‘em up a little. So we went for it. That’s right, Fun Time Internet now has a Fun Time Intern.
Of course we had to fudge the application a little. So if anyone asks, we also run a jazz fusion radio station. Three weeks ago, our intern arrived. He’s Scott Dolgen, from the University of Dubuque in Iowa, where he’s in his third year of Jazz Studies. Adorable, no? Unfortunately the only jazz he’ll be studying here is the Kenny G crap they pump in the foyer.
The ride hasn’t been without its speed bumps. Just the other day, he asked one of the mailroom workers what he thought of P-Funk, prompting “Vinny” to pull out his testicles and ask what Scott thought of his B-funk. Scott, overcome by nausea, failed to respond, but I can fill in the blank – the funk was peppery.
But on the whole, it’s been a great experience. We finally have that special someone to make our coffee runs, not to mention the all-important mid-day pâté runs, and provide other essential services, like refereeing the office Sack War League (currently in its pre-season exhibition schedule) and being ritualistically humiliated in daily Fight Club-style reprogramming beatdowns. The latter is not something I enjoy as much as the rest of the gang, but we need to make sure Scott’s loyal to us until the end. HIS NAME – IS PUPUTER. HIS NAME – IS PUPUTER.
It’s been a lesson in the law too. Did you know that, by law, interns can not testify against their place of business in a court of law? (This is just something we told him, but it turned out to be true!) Next time we have to dump a body, we’ve got a wheelman.
Overall, what a success! Scott doesn’t cry as much as he did at the start, but he keeps asking where the radio station’s control room is, and we keep directing him to the boiler room in the basement. I don’t know how long that’s going to work for.
So welcome Scott, the Fun Time Intern! Remember, he’s your intern too, so if you need someone done around the site, email scott@funtimeinternet.com. And the next time your place of business is in a pinch, why not just get an intern? What a wonderful future we live in. Think of how our plantation-owning forefathers in the South would have thrived if they’d just called their workers interns.
(Giftoberfest Gift #1 drops next week! Is your junk big yet?)
