And additionally, neg

I’m usually pretty busy with my primary function, which is keeping Jeremy awake long enough to write an article, but I am never – hear me, Lord, never – too busy to cash in on a cultural zeitgeist by writing a book. Such was the case a few years ago, when the “seduction market” really took off, and a ton of people claimed to have unlocked the Pandora’s box that is attracting ladyfolk. At the fore was Neil Strauss’ The Game, which functions as an Art of War for accosting women in public.

I saw there were lots of seduction books that deal with how to get girls, but I identified a key hole in the market: there were no books about how to keep them. So I quit my job, entrusted the care of Jeremy to one Hatdaddy and headed to the American South. To this day I don’t know why I chose it – it could have been the kill-yourself heat or the relative abundance of sizzurp – but something told me I’d find the answer here.

Luckily, I did. I stumbled upon the practice of “negging”. Strauss coined the term in his book as subtly insulting a woman to gain her interest , but on my travels I found that below the American muffintop it takes on a far different and effective meaning. I knew I had to let the rest of the country – nay, world - know. My debut literary effort The Method: Negging Your Way to Poontang Paradise was published in 2005. The true “method” to keeping a woman is far too priceless to give away here – for that, you’ll have to visit my pal Amazon, baby birds – but I will share with you some of the countless testimonials I’ve received since my book hit shelves.

Greetings Dave,

I would like to thank you for The Method. I’d been with all kinds of women, and dated more than a few of them, but relationships never seemed to last more than a few months! I was at my wit’s end, until my friend Deroy lent me Poontang Paradise. It was like I’d been drinking Bud Stupid my whole life!

I seemed to be headed down the same path with my girlfriend Suzette. She sat me down and said we needed to have a serious talk. So I negged her right in the teeth and said if she even thought about leaving me, I’d bury her under my house! Since then, she hasn’t brought it up. Actually, she’s barely said a peep! I’ve never been happier, and neither has she, I assume. Thanks again!

True Love in Tacoma

Neg – right in the kisser! Add True Love to the list of satisfied readers who’ve been changed by my Method. Who else neggin’ at my door?

Mr. Hodgson,

Help, I did it wrong! I was laying the neg down on my lady on a regular basis – I even used the helpful Neg Wheel that comes with the hardcover version – and everything was peachy. But eventually her friends caught on to the bruising, and called the cops on me. Now I’m facing five years for aggravated negging! Kinda sucks, but hey, Babe Ruth hit all those home runs because he wasn’t afraid to strike out! MEEETTHOOOOD!

“Method Man” in Minnesota

Remember the Method’s Ninth Corollary, everyone: Neg her with a bag of oranges so it doesn’t leave a mark!

Dave,

I’m the guy who’s all over the news in Florida for negging eight prostitutes and dumping their bodies along Highway 192. What I’m trying to ask is, should I neg myself right now, or turn myself in and look forward to getting negged in the ass for the rest of my life?

Sought in St. Pete’s

I guess that depends on your views of heaven and hell, Sought. I, for instance, believe that there’s a hell, and clearly I’m going to it. So if you end up negging your brains out, I’ll throw one back with you on the South Side. Oh, and lay down a dropcloth when you do it. Think of the cleaners.

I think I’ve helped a lot of people. But I gotta run. Past the deadline on my Meet Dave novelization. Let’s just say fans of the original Japanese graphic novel are gonna be pleased with my adherence to canon.