QUESTION: How many times can I make that homo Doug cry in one day? Can I do it without gettin’ in shit?
HYPO-THING: Like, at least 15. Last Tuesday I broke my record and that lil gaywad teared up like 18 times. And then Kev and Justin and me went to Applebee’s! What a day.
MATERIALS: I’m so fuckin’ ready for this. I got my boys Justin and Kev primed for action. I got ‘bout a million slams at the ready, and I stole my cousin Sherman’s cattle prod from his farm. I filled a water balloon with pee, too. Back in Fenelon Falls we called that a ‘yellow devil’. SHOUT OUT TO MY BROS FROM THE FALLS! TIGERPANTHERS FOR LIFE!
So I guess:
2 homies (Kevin Duncan, Justin Grady)
1 Sherman’s cattle prod
1 yellow devil
METHOD: Hoh man, I’ma do this crap up right this time. I’ma start the day off with some insults, and just ramp it up the whole day. It usually doesn’t take much to get that dweeb goin’. Recess, it’s wedgie time. My cousin Sherman taught me a new type of wedgie called the ‘Admiral’s Ball’ that oughta do some real damage. Sherman told me to be real careful cause nobody’s supposed to know about the Admiral’s Ball after some kid developed nut cancer a few years back. I don’t care if Sherm’s 28 and still only assistant manager of the Home Hardware out on Fensway, I think he’s totally rad.
Anyway, lunchtime, I jump Doug in the washroom and just smash that nerdo’s head into the toilet bowl. Then when school’s over me and Kev and Justin are gonna chase him on our BMXs and just get that cattle prod goin’ crazy. Then, just when he’s about to get home safe, we nail him with that pee balloon. OWNED.
RESULTS: What a gay day. I was all set to make that loser wish he’d never even moved to Alliston when I find out from Amanda that fuckin’ Heather gave Justin a beej last night. Some bro. That lamewad knew me and Heather were just about to start going steady! Cold, Jus, real cold. We’ll see if I ever let you borrow the PS3 again. That’s right, I’m gonna keep the new Madden all to myself. Bros before bras, brehh.
Anyway, I didn’t do much to Doug. Have you seen his science fair project? Freakin’ cure for cancer or some crap. At least then I can get him with the Admiral’s Ball and not get sued or whatever, like that one kid Sherman told me about.
CONCLUSION: Doug’s a huge fag and I ain’t talking to Justin anymore.
APPENDIX: I made a bunch of wicked sick lookin graphs but my shit comp ate ‘em or something. Welp, time to play some Tony Hawk.