Hi there, Clara. How goes the doin’s? Well, that’s good. This is Dave from funtimeinternet.com. But you already knew that. See, earlier this year, I wrote a funnin’ that pivoted around a fictional character named Clara Figgis. Oh, here it is. Go on, refresh yourself. Done already? Read all the way until the end, it finishes strong.
Well, since then, I’ve been monitoring the site’s traffic. That’s right: computer-literate AND regular-literate. You’re looking at the total package. And after poking around in the back-end (tiddle-dee-hee!) I found something that rocked my core. You exist.
Google has directed eighteen searches for “Clara Figgis” to this site. As a shameless self-Googler (“Hey look! I’m a doctor! And a soccer coach! And desperately lonely!”), I know your kind, and I have come to two conclusions: there are either eighteen different Clara Figgises (Figgisesses? Figgi?), or, as is maybe more plausible, one Clara Figgis with a lot of time to burn.
Numbers don’t lie. They just sit there and wait for someone to recite pi, so they can see all their friends again.
That’s why I’m here again. Because now, when you vainly search for your own name, you’ll see this too. So welcome back. But hey, now that you’ve returned, don’t just click around and laugh yourself dumb (although Bo’s been on a big hot streak). No – I want to know the real you. Not the crude sketch propagated by a hack auteur-drôle such as myself, but the genuine article. And that goes for all eighteen of you Figgi.
The box is dave@funtimeinternet.com. Let me and everyone else on the Web into your bubble, Trouble. Age, occupation, dreams, fears, and every last one of your tears. We can make it alright.
Everything will be alright.
