My fellow slaves—Oops, I mean, MY slaves,
The past year since I gained complete and utter control of your pathetic planet has been one of great suffering and great enjoyment. Great enjoyment, on my part, of your suffering, that is!
The first great project in my massive Global Slavery Program was forcing all of you to build me a giant space laser, the Über Planet-Smasher Death Beam of Death. With it I destroyed the Moon, headquarters of my mortal enemies, the Freedom Force 5. Curse them and their fresh-faced Sears catalogue good looks!
The explosion was AWESOME! The fact that radioactive Moon debris has done considerable damage to the planet’s ecology—and human health—is a small price to pay for my personal enjoyment. While the giant radioactive insects created by the Moon debris are resistant to my Mind-Control Laser Beam, they will soon be under my control—to use against you for my own amusement!
Unfortunately some members of the Freedom Force 5 escaped the lunar explosion in their Astro TransforMECH. Among those were Rusty, the red-spandexed Freedom Fighter and illegitimate son #23, Skylar, the pink Freedom Fighter and former concubine #BFJ72306, as well as their mentor, my arch nemesis and half-brother, Master Zxaxxdar. And Sparks, the adorable RoboPooch. They are believed to be hiding out on Mars, possibly conspiring an Earth invasion with the fabled Underground Martian civilization.
I therefore order the immediate construction of a new planetary laser to destroy Mars and my attractive foes. Sure I could just use the old laser, but where’s the fun in that? People go up against mad scientists with planet destroying lasers all the time, but no one would be stupid enough to go against a mad scientist with TWO planet destroying lasers! Now I can finally destroy two planets at once!
Many of you are concerned about the high slave mortality rate. Look at it from my perspective: YOU’RE SLAVES! Not legally persons. Completely expendable. Plus birth rates traditionally increase when a species is under pressure. It’s a survival mechanism. If one of you dies—why am I saying “if”?—WHEN one of you dies, I have plenty more to replace you. Your petitions do nothing! Except hasten your trip to the Death Camps.
I’d also like to take this moment to remind the humans who avoided my tyranny by fleeing under the earth that you still owe me back taxes. To you Under-Dwellers, Mole Men, and whatever else you freeloaders are calling yourselves, I hereby warn you that my army of DeathBots/tax collectors will get me my money. I’d also like to warn the planet that the reprogramming of the DeathBots into tax collectors has had some minor-to-catastrophic glitches. The phrase “as sure as death and taxes” now takes on a much more literal meaning. The only solution is to overpay your taxes until the robots stop killing you. You may think this cruel and unreasonable but I like to think of it as paying a “Living Tax.”
It’s Spring (at least according to my Weather Machine) and that means it’s time for my Semi-Annual Audition for New Wives and Concubines. As always, no fatties and butterfaces. My floating Über-Palace only has room for a harem of 1200 women and barely legal teens. So send in your audition videos! To those of you who aren’t accepted, both you and your families will be summarily purged to ensure future generations of hotties. To those of you who are accepted, you, your families, and loved ones will be allowed to live. Until I change my mind. Ladies, let me remind you that auditioning is MANDATORY.
My birthday is just around the corner. And as a gift to myself I am hereby ordering you slaves to construct me a time machine. I’d use it to travel back in time to beat the shit out of the Roman Empire with my army of GIANT MECHS! Let’s see you conquer this, Caesar! It’ll be totally balls-to-the-wall awesome! Just like playing Civilization II on Cheat Mode!
Finally, I would also like to announce an upcoming election for Supreme Ruler of Planet Earth. Just to keep things democratic I am allowing other candidates to run against me. However those candidates and those who vote for them will be summarily executed. Just remember, a vote for me is a vote for life—your life. So if you wish to continue living, vote Dr. Monster.
The entire human race has slaved hard for me over the past year. Many of you have given your lives and the innocence of your daughters to me in tribute. Awesome! The accidental death toll has increased 30% over the last month. I say not high enough! This year I will have a death meter set up outside my Über-Palace. I believe this year we can break the 10,000,000 mark. But I can’t do it alone.
I hereby end this transmission. Good night and God bless.
