You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you start to envy the homeless.
I’ve been unemployed now for almost two months. Apparently my freshly minted university degree isn’t good enough for most of the places I’ve applied, which all want people with “at least five years professional experience.” Even minimum wage prospects are turning up their noses at me for fear I might take a summer job away from a barely pubescent under-qualified high school punk. And I hadn’t been employed long enough at my previous job to qualify for unemployment insurance.
It busts my balls. So much so that I’m actually using that most odious of expressions, “busts my balls”.
Which brings me back to my newfound admiration for the human vermin of our city streets and alleyways.
The other day as I was walking past a panhandler on the street I noticed that dozens of people were dropping large coins in his empty Starbucks cup. The guy made more money in that moment than I had in the last two weeks.
Plus he was better dressed than me. His hair was tidily combed and he was wearing an obviously new pair of shorts. My hair was a tangled mess and my newest pair of shorts don’t even fit me any more. During my fruitless job hunt/marathon of self-pity I gained at least ten pounds, on top of the five to eight pounds I gained over the school year. This fellow was thin and trim, practically svelte. The clothes were practically falling off him. Either that or he was flashing bystanders. That would explain the police cruiser.
At this moment I realized I’d never seen an overweight hobo before. I realized I could exploit the hobo lifestyle of scavenging and panhandling to improve my pale flabby physique… and make a little cabbage on the side.
But then I walked past the Church of Scientology. Why stop with just myself, I thought, when I can exploit “improve” the plight of thousands like me… AND make a mean profit by doing so? Think of all the ironic slogan t-shirts I could buy with all them clams!
And so, faithful readers, I present you with HomeFree: The Hobo Diet:
Are you sick of the hernia-inducing stresses of modern office work, suburban life, and the never-ending commute? Got no time to care for that once-adequate physique? Do you look like shit?
Escape to a simpler, “healthier” life. Become home free with HomeFree: The Hobo Diet.
HomeFree isn’t just a change in diet. It’s a change in lifestyle. It’s a life where petty trifles like material possessions and personal hygiene are overshadowed by more important concerns like shelter, potential starvation, and the very real danger of man-eating rodents.
Unlike most diets, there’s no food restrictions with HomeFree: The Hobo Diet. There’s no food at all. Whatever meager meals you can pay for with your pitiful panhandling pittance, whatever discarded scraps you can scrounge in the street or dumpster, you can eat without worrying about such trivialities as “daily points” or “expiration dates.” Chances are it’ll be the only meal you get all week.
HomeFree gets results too! Users can expect to lose 60-80% of their body weight. Forget sexy-thin, get Holocaust-thin with HomeFree: The Hobo Diet.
I charge an opening Administration fee of $1500.
What You Get:
- A discarded refrigerator box, or as I call it, a HomeFree Econo Single Living Unit. $50/month
- Daily Vitamin Supplements – your choice: Cocaine, Heroin, or Crystal Meth. As low as $800/day.
You can pay for all this with the money you make panhandling. Get out of that stuffy office and into the fresh and smoggy urban air. Work on your suntan as you stretch your arms and your vocal chords out to disinterested passersby. Maybe you’ll make enough to eat today! Plus I take 10% of all weekly panhandling earnings.
Women enrolled in this diet can make payments by participating in the HomeFree Escort Program. Meet an assortment of lonely wealthy men. Discover that your life is marginally more meaningful than theirs. Just like in Pretty Woman. Plus I require a 40% “Pimping Fee.” No butter faces.
The Minimum Plan is 6 Months, during which time I take sole possession of the user’s house as a precaution should the user choose to back out of the plan. (In practice, I sell the houses anyway.)
Rates are double in winter due to increased mortality. At HomeFree, we put the “die” in “diet”!
HomeFree isn’t another fad diet. Homeless people have been enjoying the weight losing benefits of The Hobo Diet for thousands of years. I’m just the first person to exploit it for profit, i.e. I am a genius.
