Can I ask, what brought you to this site? Were you googling the street address for Toronto’s favourite gentleman’s lair, Zanzibar? Were you looking for some information on reasonable doses of Salvia? Maybe you were checking to see if the copyright for Billiard Babble was still available. Well, it’s not, so back the fuck off!
What seems more likely is that you were in the middle of another mind-numbing nine-to-five shift, trying to find something on the web to help you tune out the receptionist’s whining about her tattoo that isn’t healing properly. That’s how I find most of my e-discoveries, and I’m pretty sure that’s why you’ve landed here at FunTimeInternet. So pump up that office chair a little higher, tilt your monitor screen away from your deskmate, and let’s delve a little deeper into our self induced protective virtual coma.
So, what’s your first stop when you’re looking to waste a few fractions of your life on the man’s dime? Facebook is good for keeping up with the wedding/baby/2nd wedding photos of your first highschool flame slash squeeze. Myspace takes a lot of heat, but you might be able to find one or two funny videos of dogs chasing other dogs, dogs chasing birds, or dogs chasing Andy Dick. But let’s forget convention. Today I want to highlight a goldmine of internet bitfoolery that most people actively try to avoid. Yeah, that’s right Mulders and Scullies. I’m talkin’ bout having fun with your Junk Mail folder.
As far as I can see, there are 4 types of junk mail that might actually worth your time.
i) Penis Enlargement
ii) Bank Deposit Scams
iii) Fake Sexy Girls
iv) The Unexplainable Cryptics
The penis enlargement emails are usually pretty standard. They’ll either sympathize with your lack of chubgrub, or emphasize the fact that you should feel really terrible about being born lean. Once in a while a really great one comes along though. This is one I grabbed from my email yesterday:
From: Horace Knapp (slsva@cantv.net)
Subject: Tablet of Happiness Is Here!
If you cannot satisfy your woman, we will help you.
She will perform your most secret fantasies that you will never forget!
Here! Here! Here! Here! Here!
fBjumpdemo fellatrice falcinelli
escalators fLldtbseek engelbreit
federative fLsigstack fashistoid
facetiarum epilimnion enragement
So much to talk about here. The first part is pretty mundane. Until you realize that it’s basically a haiku. And then the freeform jibberish? F.L. Flagstack’s Eplilimnion Enragement. Eat your heart out, e. e. cummings. Horace Knapp can forward me tablets of happiness any day of the ol’ ding dang week. So yeah, that killed about 2 minutes.
Now, we move along to the Bank Deposit scams. These are passed along pretty liberally, just in the hopes that some basement-confined lonely self-diagnosed-Asperger reject will slip up in a moment of manic desperation. Monstrous. I’ve been getting a ton of emails from someone named Mr. Song Lile from Hong Kong. Song is offering me a 30/70 split to the tune of 19.5 million, and all I have to do is hand over my bank information. Song… to the tune… see what I did there? Sometimes you know these things are legit though, and it’s only when they provide you with an FBI Verification number.
Now, junk mail from the Fake Sexy Girls are usually pretty good for a quick laugh. I’m willing to bet a lot of the same jujubes who fall for Song Lile’s scam are also under the assumption that they’re engaged to a camgirl, and once he sends her enough money, she’s flying over from Thailand. Check out this pair of emails I have kicking around:
To: dirty.dale@yahoo.com; battleoflosangeles@hotmail.com
From: kohuzapyfim23 (kohuzapyfim23@hotmail.com)
Subject: Hey
Hey. did you no this is tha 1st day i have with da web cam thingy.
Would U cum vote 4 me and tell people if you luv it.
IM me on YAHOO messenger if you get have time to chat
My ID is Jodylivingston98
thanks Hun u are the best Bye Hun
To: graw2@yahoo.com; dirty.dale@yahoo.com; battleoflosangeles@hotmail.com; brimitch57@yahoo.com
From: cefasogorup82@hotmail.com
Subject: Yummy
Whats Up. u no this is tha first time i’ve ever tried with tha web page thingie.
Could U Possibly cum an vote 4 me to tell people if u love it.
IM me on Yahoo messenger if you get have time to chat
My ID is Jodychurch79
thanks much Ur Tha Greatest Bye Hun
The subtle variances in email etiquette between Jody Church and Jody Livingston really say a lot about who they are as people. And it really seems like Dirty Dale is probably my biggest competition. I’m kind of hoping for Jody Church though, because why be the best when you can be the greatest, right? I’d better check out her web page thingie, before Double D gets to it first.
Ah, and now for the best of the best. The unexplainable cryptic junk emails. To give you the idea, I’m going to cross post some junk mail that my friend Clare got that I found particularly poetic and excellent:
“Pretext frosting”
What is implied is that flashes of lightning and and occupations,
so ought he to have. It was monstrous pressure. Take the
stuff to my room, graham whispered. For yamunantare of the
bengal texts. The difference is, by conversation or by letter,
urging illinois the amount of the annuity being less than
the o thou foremost of the regenerate ones, at thy slew
in that conflict the steeds of falguni’s
“Undualise hedonics”
And awful fight. Some huge elephants slain by virtuous yudhishthira
became consoled in mind, when everything is favourable,
the foe may be and vinda and anuvinda of avant pandya, sweta
be said to have reigned forty years over all israel, frightful
mantrapowers. They stupefy persons reft he was dressed in
the most richly ornamented garments, canaan by the israelites
be defended? How did
It really makes you wonder what they’re selling. It also makes you self-reflective. Sigh. Maybe I should have stuck with the gymnastics thing. But now I’m too old and fat. Sob.
Recently, I got a pretty cryptic junk email that was just filled with Spanish text. Check it out:
From: asd-rubal@hotmail.com
To: dai-fenny@hotmail.com; deliapinzon@hotmail.com; elyro24@hotmail.com; jessy073@hotmail.com
Subject:
Date: Mon, 23 Jun 2008 10:30:04 -0500
here is the email from the supevisor please pass this onto all your employees
>Dos amigas se fueron de parranda solas sin sus maridos.
>
> Cuando regresaban en la madrugada a su casa, totalmente ebrias, les dieron
> ganas de ir al baño, pero lo único que había cerca era un cementerio.
>
> Decidieron ir y hacer sus necesidades.
>
> La primera no encontró nada con qué limpiarse y se quitó los pantys, se
> limpió con ellos y luego los botó.
> La segunda tampoco encontró nada con que limpiarse así que agarró la cinta
> de una corona de flores y se limpió con ella, luego siguieron su camino.
>
> A la mañana siguiente los maridos se llaman, uno le dice al otro:
>
> “Parece que nuestras esposas la pasaron demasiado bien anoche”…. La mía
> llegó sin pantys a la casa.
>
> Y el otro le contesta:
>
> “Tienes suerte” ! Por lo menos la tuya llegó sin pantys…,
> pero….. la mía llegó a la casa con la cuca llena de escarcha y una tarjeta
> pegada que decía :
> “NUNCA TE OLVIDAREMOS”.
Aaaaand let’s pop that baby into a free online Spanish-to-English text translator!
Two friends were themselves of alone binge without their husbands. >> When they returned in the early morning to its house, completely drunken, they gave> desires to go to the bath, but the unique thing that there was fence was a cemetery. >> They Decided to go and to do their needs. >> The first one did not find anything with what to be cleaned and was removed the pantys, itself> cleaned with them and then threw away them. > The second did neither find nothing with which being cleaned so got the tape> of a crown of flowers and was cleaned with her, then they continued their road. >> TO the next morning the husbands are called, one tells him the other: >> “It Seems that our wives passed it too much well last night”…. Mine> arrived without pantys to the house. >> AND the other it answers him: >> “You Are lucky”! At least yours arrived without pantys. ..,> but. …. mine arrived at the house with the full peseta of frost and a card> hit that said: > “NEVER we WILL FORGET YOU”.
Pretty fucking dark! So I figured, hey, why not pop one of the other spam emails into a text translator to class it up a bit. I tossed Jody Livingston’s salacious email into an English-to-Japanese translator, then translated it back into English, and this is what was born:
No you this be the one that say somehow tha of 1 dayst of when has together ダ Web image that I did.
The U semen be love it that says to people in the case of me and you who approve 4.
《主語なし》If even IM I do and obtain when I chatter to a/the Yahoo messenger my ID that you have you who are a Jodylivingston98 gratitude フン tribe are Hun of the best default of a match winner.
This is seriously making me reconsider Jody Church as the frontrunner in my forever evolving lovelife. You’re my default of a match winner, too, Jody Livingston. That Jody Church is a real trollop.
Holy god, that was long. But hey, look! It’s 5:01 pm! Our shift is over, and we can go home and not think about how shitty work is for a few hours. Man, junk mail is awesome.
