The financial wizards and mages on Wall Street are predicting an especially un-merry Christmas this year. (That’s right, I said “Christmas”! Take that, all you Atheists and Agnostic Agnazis!) But just because you were laid off from the GM plant, your Christmas bonus was cancelled, and/or the fact that you’re in crippling debt doesn’t mean you still can’t still lavish your loved ones with expensive gifts, right? Think again, buster!
But Christmas is for children: the Baby Jesus, the Little Drummer Boy, that creepy glasses-wearing kid from A Christmas Story. How are you supposed to annually buy back your kids’ love after a year of neglect and masochistic workaholism? Start by lowering their expectations. Here’s a sampling of explanations for decidedly lamer presents:
1) They’re on the Naughty List – Santa/Jesus doesn’t love them any more
2) Massive toy recall in Santa’s workshop after he fired the elves and outsourced to China
3) Santa’s got health problems: STDs from single mothers (I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus, indeed!)
Or better yet, you could tell them the truth about Saint Nick’s fictitious existence. The Economopalypse isn’t likely to end any time soon. So the sooner you prep your youngin’s for a lifetime of disillusionment, the better.
And to commemorate the impending death of the middle class and to ease you dear readers into a life of less luxury, I’ve created this handy dandy GIFT GIVING CONVERSION GUIDE! Convert what you could once afford into what your child/loved one will now have to settle for:
Wants: Animatronic Replee Doll
It eats, sleeps, secretes bodily waste, and has a secondary function as home alarm system.
Gets: Sack of flour
It’s more or less of equal size to the desired gift. And flour has way more functions – it can be used to make cake AND pie. Your daughter’s gotta learn her place in the patriarchal order sooner or later.
Wants: Cell Phone
Gets: Cellophane
Tell your kid you misheard them. Feigned misinterpretation is the cornerstone of Economopalyptic gift giving. This trick can work for countless other present requests, for example:
Wants: Pony
Gets: Rock
Remember when pet rocks were all the rage? Me neither. The traditional pony alternative has always been a puppy, or failing that, stealing a cat from the neighbourhood cat lady. But puppies cost money. And in the current financial crisis, the cat lady has converted her stockpile of kitties into food and fireplace fuel.
The benefits of a rock over an actual pet are numerous. Rocks don’t eat (with the possible exception of the Mexican Eating Rock). This item can also serve as a substitute for little Timmy’s baseball. Plus, your kid can use the rock as a weapon to force other kids to give them their better presents. Now that’s what I call a gift that keeps on giving!
(Christmas) Bonus Section: The Ultimate in Stocking Stuffers!
Sponges.
Not that your child would want them or has any use for them, but they do an excellent job of taking up a lot of stocking space.
With small children, treat it like a game: “WOW, look at it soak up all that water! Now try rubbing it all over the bathroom tub! Now pour some cleaner in the tub and wipe it off! This is fun! You should play this game every day!” I still get sponges in my Christmas stocking. Lousy cheapskate parents! It’s like the modern day coal. Humbug, indeed!
Of course you could always forget about the gifts and actually celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ and his superhuman status as savior of humanity. You know, peace on earth, good will toward men. The complete opposite of what Christmas has come to be all about – greed, selfishness, and sexy drunken office party antics.
But can’t I have eternal salvation AND a Blu-Ray player?
