The NBS Television Network, after pushing the morality envelope with such salacious reality shows as “The Biggest Slut” and “Gender Swap”, lost millions of viewers in America’s Bible Belt. In an attempt to win back Middle American audiences, NBS agrees to hear pitches for faith-based prime time programs. The following documents follow the development of the only pitched program to go to pilot:
THE ORIGINAL PITCH
LOGLINE: “Guardians” is a smart, sassy, yet heartwarming 1-hour drama about Guardian Angels and the people they guide and protect from the forces of Evil. Think “Touched By an Angel” meets “The West Wing”.
THE NETWORK RESPONSE
TO: Barry Gardner, Series Creator, Writer, “Guardians” (barryg@compuweb.net)
FROM: Mitch Feldman, Head of Dramatic Programming, NBS (mfeldman3@nbs.com)
CC: Corey Glick, Dramatic Programming Supervisor, NBS (cglick9@nbs.com)
DATE: November 12th
RE: GUARDIANS PITCH + SCRIPT
barry,
great work. loved the 5 pages of your script that i actually read. that said i just want to rap with you brother (LOL religious people talk funny!!) on some ideas to improve the series:
WHATS UP WITH THIS GOD GUY?
everyone on the show keeps saying “god this” and “god that”. well goddamn! why dont we ever get to see him on the show? does he think hes too good for us to show us his face? or tell us his REAL name? sounds like hes got something to hide.
or is it that youd get offended if we show gods face? are u one of those goddamn muslims? why do u hate america, u fucking towel head? oops did i say “towel head”? i meant “DIAPER HEAD”. go back to crapganistan u traitor!
THE ANGELS ARE ALL A BUNCH OF DO-GOODER PUSSIES
and that michael guy, the leader, i want to see him roundhouse kick at least 12 guys per episode. and at least one of these roundhouse kicks has to decapitate a guy. maybe chuck norris is interested. hes into christianity and shit.
or we could make them all super sexy supermodels!111111 just like Charlies Angels. call it “God’s Angels”!
AND THEY COULD GO AROUND HAVING SEX WITH AWKWARD GEEKS!!!111 that would really appeal to the lonely loser male demographic. this religion shit is making me hard just thinking about it.
TTYL,
Mitch
THE REWRITE
Despite several reservations Barry Gardner rewrote his pilot script, changing the series title to “God’s Angels: Sexy Action Power Hour.”
LOGLINE: “A hot 1-hour action drama about a crack team of sexy female Guardian Angels carrying out weekly soul-saving missions from God. Along the way they battle the minions of Satan and teach young people lessons on morality and chastity.”
THE NETWORK RESPONSE
Meeting Date: November 27th
Location: Conference Room, NBS Headquarters, Burbank, CA
Individuals Present: Barry Gardner, Mitch Feldman, Corey Glick
COREY: First of all, Barry, lose that shit about “morality and chastity.” How am I supposed to get a hard-on from these babes when they’re all yakking ‘bout this religious shit?
BARRY: Isn’t that what the network wanted in the first place, a religious show?
COREY: It is. And it isn’t. Could you at least give me one sex scene?
BARRY: I beg your pardon.
MITCH: I fucking hate religious chicks. I dated one once. Never put out. Didn’t even have the decency to give me a hand job.
COREY: Bitch!
BARRY: Can we please stay on topic?
MITCH: This God character needs some flaws. He can’t be right all the time.
BARRY: But he’s God.
COREY: Sure he’s omniscient and omnipotent. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t make mistakes.
BARRY: Do you know what either of those words mean? They mean he doesn’t make mistakes.
COREY: “How about a Mrs. God?
MITCH: You mean like a Mrs. Santa?
COREY: Yeah, the one who’s really in control. The power behind the throne.
BARRY: That’s the most offensive thing I’ve ever-
MITCH: I love it! To attract those FemiNazi bitches.
COREY: Plus it explains how Jesus was born!
BARRY: What about the Virgin Mary?
COREY: If she’s a virgin, then how’s God his father?
MITCH: Yeah, definitely lose the virgin birth angle.
BARRY: I can’t believe what I’m hearing from you two. Satan has blinded your—
COREY: And this Satan dude, don’t you think he’s too much of a bad guy?
BARRY: Satan?
COREY: Yeah, I don’t see him as the Lord of Evil, but as just some dude who got a bad rap.
MITCH: He’s not bad, just misunderstood.
BARRY: Satan?
COREY: Like God’s estranged brother.
MITCH: I smell multi-season story arc!
COREY: And from time to time Uncle Satan-
MITCH: Uncle Satan! I love it!
BARRY: I can’t take this any more.
COREY: Uncle Satan can dispense advice and wisdom.
MITCH: Like Wilson on ‘Home Improvement’!
COREY: I love that show!
Mitch and Corey proceed to imitate Time Allen’s infamous “man-growl.” This is followed by much laughter and more man-growling.
MITCH: What do you think, Barry? Barry?
At this point Mitch and Corey realize Barry has left the room.
POSTSCRIPT
Barry Gardner immediately ceased all involvement with the series and NBS as a whole, demanding his name and creator credit be removed from the series’ credits. Mitch and Corey went forward with the project, now as sole creators.
The end result: “Oh My God!”, a half-hour early 1990’s-esque studio sitcom starring Jim Belushi as God, a family man and deity struggling to maintain control over the universe and Heaven from his nagging know-it-all wife, Mrs. God (Katey Sagal, “Married with Children”) and guide his awkward klutzy son Jesus (Frankie Muniz, “Malcolm in the Middle”) to greatness. Also featuring Norm MacDonald (“The Norm Show”) as helpful wacky next-door neighbor, Uncle Satan and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen as The Magdalene Twins.
Series Tagline: It ain’t always Heaven.
