We here at Albania’s humour site of choice love to let you in on company protocol, except for company protocol that involves the deaths of staff writers, which is why the documents regarding the startling disappearance of Butch Mantooth can’t be de-classified until 2058.
That said, to sate a public that is starved for transparency, we present this Puputer datafile for their scrutiny.
Puputer Chat Log 9/10/08 09:54 AM
PUP-1: EMPLOYEE 5-GA-003, UPDATE DUE APPROXIMATELY 54 MINUTES AGO.
PUP-1: EMPLOYEE 5-GA-003, UPDATE DUE APPROXIMATELY 55 MINUTES AGO.
PUP-1: EMPLOYEE 5-GA-003, PLEASE NOTE THAT FILE ‘cat_fights_baby.mp3’ WILL LOOP EVERY 2.6 SECONDS AT 168% VOLUME UNTIL CONSCIOUSNESS RESULTS.
L4dY_LuVER: GODDAMIT JESUS WHAT IS THAT
PUP-1: PERFORMING SCAN: BIOFORM ‘5-GA-003’ I.E. ‘JEREMY MERSEREAU’ IS CONSCIOUS. ANALYSIS SHOWS BIOFORM OPERATING AT 23.7% EFFICIENCY. SCANNING > > > SCANNING > > >
L4dY_LuVER: Wat the hell
PUP-1: > > > SCAN COMPLETE. NUTRITIONAL EXAMINATION SHOWS SUBJECT CONSUMED MEDIUM-SIZE BAG OF ‘COOL RANCH’ DORITOS AT 03:32AM.
L4dY_LuVER: hey that was all I had
PUP-1: CORRECTION: ‘LARGE-SIZE’ BAG.
L4dY_LuVER: dammit
PUP-1: DESPITE QUESTIONABLE EATING HABITS, NO APPROPRIATE REASON FOR DELAY OF ARTICLE RECEIVED BETWEEN DATE-MARK 089754 – 089759.
L4dY_LuVER: uh yeah I was on a date last night
PUP-1: BIOMETRIC READOUT INDICATES HEIGHTENED HEART ACTIVITY, SWEAT PRODUCTION… BEHAVIOUR TYPICALLY INDICATIVE OF LYING.
L4dY_LuVER: nuh uh
PUP-1: ANALYSIS ALSO SHOWS BRAIN ACTIVITY AVERAGED OVER TIME EQUAL TO 18% EFFICIENCY, BODY MUSCLE AT 12%, AND OVERALL ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION 174% OF HEALTHY MEDIAN. CONCLUSION: NO GIRLFRIEND.
L4dY_LuVER: aw why u hatin
PUP-1: SUBJECT ‘5-GA-003’ IS REMINDED THAT FAILURE TO PRODUCE EXACTLY 1 ARTICLE OF NO LESS THAN 347 DISCRETE WORDS INTENDED TO PRODUCE HUMAN REACTION #42-D (“LAUGHTER”) OR AT LEAST DESIGNATION #42-A (“LIL’ TITTER”) EACH DEMI-CYCLE WILL RESULT IN HARSH DISCIPLINARY ACTION.
L4dY_LuVER: oh yeah im so scared
L4dY_LuVER: ya sack of bolts screw off
L4dY_LuVER: one week without my article big whoop
L4dY_LuVER: ooooo oOOOOOOOOOOOOHGDG MY BOOOOOOONES
PUP-1: BE ADVISED ELECTRICAL NANOBOT ACTIVITY WILL RE-OCCUR EVERY 5 MINUTES UNTIL RECEPTION OF ARTICLE CONSISTING OF NO LESS THAN 347 DISCRETE WORDS DESIGNED TO PRODUCE HUMAN REACTION #42-D OR AT LEAST DESIGN-
L4dY_LuVER: OH GOD
L4dY_LuVER: I THINK IM DYING
PUP-1: NEGATIVE. NANOBOT ACTIVITY DESIGNED TO INVOKE MAXIMUM POSSIBLE PAIN WITHOUT PERMANENT DAMAGE…
L4dY_LuVER: thank jesus
PUP-1: … AT LEAST UNTIL ARTICLE IS OVERDUE BY 2 DEMI-CYCLES OR MORE. PROGRAM DESIGNATE 874-04 THEN BEGINS.
L4dY_LuVER: whats that
PUP-1: THAT’S WHERE 100 COOKIES ARE DOWNLOADED TO YOUR WORK CELL!
L4dY_LuVER: that sounds pretty good
PUP-1: NAAAH I WAS JUS’ YANKIN’ YER CHAIN. WRITE SOMETHING OR I KILL YOU WITH NERVE GAS.
L4dY_LuVER: but I cant think of nothing please pleas just gimmie till tomorrow
PUP-1: NEGATIVE. SUBJECT ‘5-GA-003’ WILL PRODUCE COMEDIC ARTICLE. OH HEY LOOK, IT’S BEEN 5 MINUTES.
L4dY_LuVER: JEEEEEEEEEESSUUUUUUS
L4dY_LuVER: OKAY OKAY what about something about how ray romano sucks
PUP-1: NEGATIVE, ROMANO FALLEN OFF POP CULTURE RADAR AS OF LATE. INPUT ADDITIONAL ARTICLE PROPOSITION.
L4dY_LuVER: okay uh what about something about a dude who – get this – looooves eating at Denny’s and writes reviews about all his Denny’s experiences
PUP-1: OHOHOHOHO
PUP-1: HUUUHUUHUHUH
L4dY_LuVER: yea pretty good eh?
PUP-1: NO. THAT WAS ME PROCESSING, UH, DATA. INPUT ADDITIONAL ARTICLE PROPOSITION.
L4dY_LuVER: Nah man u was laffin!
PUP-1: NEGATIVE. PROGRAM DESIGNATE ‘874-04’ COMMENCING.
L4dY_LuVER: Admit it, the denny’s thing is prettttyyyyy funnnyyy
L4dY_LuVER: wauuuugh my braaaaaiiiiiiiiin
PUP-1: CHATLOG UPLOAD COMMENCING.
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PUP-1: HAHA, DENNY’S.
