Fun Time Internet has received a number of complaints about our website being too “intellyectual-like (sic)” and “gosh-durned elitist”. Our computer overlord, Puputer, responded by sending me on a “re-education” assignment to “rough it up with the Plebs” and gain insight into the lucrative blue-collar market.
For the past month or so I’ve been “gittin’ ‘er done” (ugh, that’s not even funny in written form!) on a potato harvest in Alliston, Ontario, Canada. I hereby faithfully submit a selection of quotes and observations from my experience in order to prevent the exploder-chip Puputer implanted in my neck from going off after six weeks of writing inactivity. Here’s hoping the chip’s not faulty like the one in Butch Mantooth!
And speaking of chips:
Upon Learning My Farmer Employer Grows Only Potato Chip Potatoes
“Potato chips? That’s so 1992. But in an uncool Vanilla Ice way. Not a wicked-awesome parachute pants-wearing MC Hammer way! (after an awkward silence) Damnit! Now I can’t get ‘2 Legit 2 Quit’ out of my head!”
Attempting to Chat Up the Boss’ Daughter
“So how do you think the final season of ‘Battlestar Galactica’ is going to end? … Uh, yeah. That’s right. I was… joking.”
Attempting to Order Fast Food at a Local Greasy Spoon
“What do you mean I can’t get a shawarma? … What do you mean there’s no place around here to get a shawarma? … What do you mean you’ve never heard of a shawarma?! Fucking savages!”
The Ever-Elusive Rural Shawarma
On Driving Tractors
Have you ever been driving down a country road and got stuck behind some big ass tractor hauling a massive piece of machinery that’s so wide it’s not even road legal, making you late for your important appointment because it’s virtually impossible to pass it? I got to be that guy!
It’s fun for all of five minutes, until you realize they’ll get to their destinations an hour before you do. At least. These machines fucking stall on me every time I try to go over 10 mph. If tractors were any cool, they’d have made a Transformer that turned into one. I’d call it SLOWBOTRON. That’s the standard by which I rate the awesomeness of machines. My logic is air-tight.
SLOWBOTRON as featured in Michael Bay’s next “Transformers” opus
On Getting Lost on Rural Sideroads
Hogback Road is the bane of my existence! I am not making this up. Some dude actually thought it was a good idea to name it “Hogback Road.” I shudder to think what he named his kids.
On Carrying a Conversation with the Working Class
• Remember, it’s “P’tater”, not “Potato”. That hard ‘O’ sound really throws them off and shows you paid a little extra attention to phonetics in school.
• If asked your opinion on professional sports that you have absolutely no interest in, i.e. all professional sports, avoid responses that are brutally honest or may make you look like the sissy you are. Just say you’re way too busy with all the long hours of man-work to follow any sports this season. Be sure to follow this with a series of Tim Allen-esque man-grunts.
• Avoid looking like the academic elitist that you are: When a fellow farm laborer talks to you of “going back to school”, they don’t mean grad school. They mean high school. Try not to laugh.
Final Thoughts
Fuck hard work! I need a job that pays me loads of cash for essentially being a burden on the system. Is it too late to run for Mayor of Opa-Locka?
