October 1st, 1995
Team owners and officials,
Welcome to the first edition of the International Caucasian Basketball Association newsletter! This is your commissioner, J.R. “Red” Yellow, and we tip off in three weeks, so we ain’t got time to waste. Let’s get to the thick ‘n’ sticky.
Now some of y’all know each other and some of y’all don’t. So to get the introductories out of the way, here’s our “Original Six” league line-up and each team’s owner.
The Opa-Locka Phantoms (Owner: Yark Lohras)
The Hamilton Canada Whiteout (Owner: Scott Chocula)
The Buffalo Pale Riders (Owner: Marjorie Johnson-Yellow)
The Raleigh-Durham Albescents (Owner: Professional wrestler Ric Flair)
The Milwaukee Milks (Owner: consortium of local businesses)
The Milwaukee Whites (Owner: consortium of local businesses)
Alla y’all’s phone and fax numbers are attached at the end, so I’ll leave the acquaintance-makin’ to your discretion. But we’ve got more important matters that need attendin’ to. There’s a henhouse of civil rights organizations that have objected to the basic premise of our league: that only white folk are allowed to play. I tell ya, it’s gettin’ mighty hot down here at league headquarters – my ranch in El Toro, Texas – and El Toro, Texas is already damned hot!
The NAACP has promised to picket each and every one of our games, and our official league program has been widely decried as “hate literature”. And just last week, some devil snuck onto my property and spray-painted “BIGOT” onto the side of my race horse Sassafras Tea. P’haps it’s time I fully laid out why I created this here ICBA.
I don’t got a single thing against any dark-skinned person anywhere. I shoot skeet with James Avery of Fresh Prince a’ Bel Air fame every July. And hell, both my ex-wives was black, and I still love ‘em! (‘Cept for the one who divorced me for infidelidatin’ and started up the Buffalo Pale Riders.)
There ain’t one cotton-pickin’ racist thing about our league. I think the real racists are the ones who don’t want there to be an all-white basketball league! See, I’m just the inquisitive sorta fella who’s been obsessed with one question since he’s been on this earth: “what if?” And this time, the question’s “what if only whites played the sport?” So buckle those seat-buckles, ‘cause we’s about to find out!
It’s a plain-and-simple freak show, like donkey basketball… or wheelchair basketball! And if my time as the proprietor of one of the most-prosecuted travelin’ circuses in America has taught me anything, it’s that the people of this good country love them a freak show.
Now we may not be able to convince all the naysayers, picketers and NAACPs of the world otherwise. But we can sick corrupt local law enforcement on ‘em!
Now onto League Tidbits, from my lawyer and ICBA business manager David Fincher (not the director).
- Only time will tell if our gambit of putting two teams in Milwaukee will pay off. But our research into the matter indicates that the region is the strongest in all fifty states for segregation-based athletics.
- Much to my chagrin, and hopefully all of yours, sponsorship for all six teams has been snapped up by the Aryan Brotherhood of America. So if anyone asks about the patches on your team’s jerseys, they’re “extreme plus-signs” and you’re sponsored by Rad’s Radical Tax Services.
- Ballots for you, the owners, to select our league slogan will be mailed out this Friday. As mentioned previously, the two options are “What a Game!” and “No Blacks!” I hope and pray you will choose wisely.
- Finally, our test game between the Milwaukee Milks and the Milwaukee Whites took place last Saturday. It can only be described as an epic disappointment, with a paid turnout of forty-one spectators, and a final outcome of 25-20 in favour of the Whites. To those who are new to the game of basketball, the point total for each team typically runs into the hundreds, and games do not usually showcase this many player faintings. As a result of this, several important rule changes have been implemented for the regular season that all teams should make note of.
15.1 The height of the rim, which previously matched the NBA’s measurement of 10 feet, has been lowered to five and a half feet, which should allow for even the least-coordinated of our players to perform slam dunks.
15.2 The diameter of the rim has been extended from 18 inches to three full feet.
15.3 We will now allow seven players from each team to be on the court at any given time, instead of the standard five. Note: this will only apply to teams that have seven players.
15.4 Three-pointers are now eight-pointers.
Thanks, David. Now lookie, cookies. I ain’t a rich man. In fact, my last roll a’ pennies is tied up in this operation and several fledglin’ pyramid schemes. And what most people believe is a Southern drawl is actually a speech impediment.
But I ask y’all to put your faith in me, and I can guaran-damn-tee that the ICBA will fare better than my National Field Hockey League in 1993, or the American Soccer League Where You Can Use Your Hands way back in ‘89.
Good luck to all this season, and remember: don’t double-dribble!
Commissioner J.R. “Red” Yellow
P.S.: No fruits neither.
