My Salvia Diary

Sweet baby, what a night it was.

The following entries were found scribbled onto a variety of discarded cardboard and paper fragments. It starts off on a notepad, but as things progress there are a couple of pizza boxes in the mix, some of it is written on the back of this Chinese Restaurant menu from a place called Empire Dragon, and the remainder is captured on some really old looking postcards from Niagara Falls. 80’s old. I’m not sure where those came from.

Without further explanation, I present to you my tryst with the Magic Mint. My long, lost Salvia Diaries from the Summer of ’06.

Entry: #1 (Legal Notepad)
Dosage: Sober
Time: 18:00

Alright, future self. I assume you’ve come back to this notepad to wax nostalgic on what I can only assume will be a really rad trip. As you may remember, we’ve got 3 different packages of Salvia with three different potencies, and we’re going to try them out and put the ol’ quill to the sheepskin and see what happens. I bought the Sally-D from a place called “Smoke City Pipes and Rock Merchandise”. If I’m dead, and the cops are reading this, tell that son of a bitch Habib that my ghost is gonna burn his bong-shop to the dirty ground it was built on. This is the best Environmental Issues project ever! Thanks, Professor. Alright, bring on the Sage of the Seers. Talk to you in 5 minutes!

Entry: #2 (Legal Notepad)
Dosage: ¼ gram of Salvia 5X, smoked.
Time: 18:48

What a rip! This stuff sucks chod. First of all, it took me like 20 minutes to roll up a haggly-doob. It got all burned up in about 3 minutes, tastes like ripe soot, and my haymaker won’t stop curdlin’! I feel totally fine, so I think I’m gonna progress to the 15x. See you in a deer’s ear.

Entry: #3 (Chinese Restaurant Menu)
Dosage: ¼ gram of Salvia 15X, smoked.
Time: 20:00 (estimation)

I turned on the television. I’ve been giggling for the past few minutes at an episode of the Gilmore Girls. Slow down ladies, I’ve only got two ears!

Listen, guy. I’m not doing this for myself. I’m not. I’m not. I’m doing this for you. And don’t you try to tell me that I’m you. Don’t you dare. I do whatever I want in this house. Frig, where’d this ball of yarn come from? Be back in 20!

Time: 20:21

Okay, so it turned out that the ball of yarn was actually a head of cabbage. It went everywhere! I’ve got a bunch of tiny salads to eat, now. Tiny salads in the corner. Tiny salads on the stairs. Tiny salads in my dresser. Tiny salads everywhere. Suck on that. Okay, I think I’ve got the hang of this Salvia thing. I’ve heard the real show stopper comes when you chew it. BIG LEAGUE STYLE. I’ve got my foil pouch. Let’s do this, Rory.

Entry: #4 (Pizza Box & Postcards)
Dosage: ¼ gram of Salvia 25X, taken orally.
Time: Unknown

[note: there weren’t a lot of legible words on the pizza box, mostly just grease and doodles of ponies. So I’ll move onto the postcards]

Postcard #1:

Dear Drew Carey, Drew Barrymore, Nancy Drew:

Wish Drew were here! Fuck my life.

Signed,

Drew

Postcard #2:

<crude drawing of a panda bear playing mini-putt>

Postcard #3:

Dear Ryan Seacrest:

You’re doing a great job. Just great. Please play the song ‘You’re A God’ by Vertical Horizon. Thx. Love, Nicole.

Postcard #4:

[After this, I think I tried to invent a robot. This postcard has a crude schematic diagram for something called a “Coolbot 3000”]

[Presumably, after this I went out to purchase the component parts for the Coolbot. I wound up at a 24 Hour Sobey’s. I know this because I found the receipt the next morning.]

Postcard #5:

To Purchase:

Wires
Metal
Computerized Brain
Fashionable Robot Clothes
Snacks

The Receipt:

Sobey’s
197 Front St East
00:30 / July 21, 2006

Cashier: J’uhmelio

[So, I didn’t see my vision of Coolbot through to the end, and I’m not sure what I was doing with cocktail forks and pears. But the real wildcard is the map! I suspect I tried to steal a car, because there was auto paint under my fingernails the next day. However, I awoke in my own bed the next morning, wearing only Nike sweatbands on my forehead and wrists.]

Epilogue: Overall, I’d say that Salvia is a harsh mistress. Ups & downs. Cups & clowns. I’m not sure I’ll do it again, but the hazy memories, criminal record, and lifelong supply of cocktail forks was worth the crazy, sexy ride. Stay tuned for this Summer’s Nutmeg Consumption Blog!

Who needs to legalize, when you’ve got legal highs? Put that in your pipe, daughters.

[ad]