MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR-
A warm Opa-Lockian greeting to all our regular readers, and hopefully some new ones too! It’s been a frantic end of July here at the Society, what with our annual booth at the town Helter-Swelter! festival, as well as our Quitcher Itchin’! anti-West Nile virus initiative. But here we are once again, ready to educate (and maybe even entertain!) the citizenry of our fair town! This month we’ve composed a special issue dedicated to the top three most important and defining moments in Opa-Locka’s storied history (sorry Fran, couldn’t squeeze in you inventing that delicious marmalade recipe!)
-Melora Ackerman, President
THE TOP THREE DEFINING MOMENTS IN OPA-LOCKA’S HISTORY!
compiled by Melora Ackerman and Fran Holloway
1. FOUNDING THE TOWN
Our dear town was founded by eccentric Englishman Cornelius Knutledge in a drunken stupor in 1846! Of course, we all know the old story: Rich man loses all his wealth by plain old bad luck (Knutledge steadfastly claimed ‘tiny goblins’ stole his fortune from him, but evidence points to high-stakes games of chance), man decides to board next ship to the New World, man ends up founding settlement during an evening of alcohol-fueled bets with native Opa-Lockian tribe elders. In fact, we have an unaltered account of that very event, straight from Cornelius’ own personal journal! (Put the kids to bed, Manny, it’s a bit ‘colourful’!)
“GREEDY GODLESS CUNTS MAKIN ME NAME A TOWN AFTER THEIR TRIBE!? THIS BE BULL SHITE!”
Fascinating! But did you know the peculiar history surrounding Knutledge in his later years? Old texts tell us that Knutledge was disliked and avoided, on the basis that he was a ‘dark wizard’ and ‘schooled in the arts of Beelzebub’. Local midwife Hortense Frodnese left a diary, which is quoted here:
“Lo, and such knavery didst arise from Knutledge’s hovel at midnight last! Such screeching one wouldst surmise only a demon couldst produceth! Goody Clowry saith she hath seen evidence of dark rituals, and nightly squawlings disturb every Opa-lockian’s slumber!”
Of course, it was later proven that old Cornelius was more than a bit senile by this time, and kept an absolutely incredible number of diseased wildcats. Devil worshipper or plain old kook? You decide, people of Opa-locka! Whatever the case, Knutledge is still to be admired as a man who bounced back from disaster and ended up founding a town!
2. 1930’S CRIMINAL ACTIVITY
Of course, not every story of our town’s history is as inspiring as our founder’s! In the late 1930’s infamous gangster Johnny ‘Caesar’ Grimshank made Opa-Locka the base for his highly-illegal gladiatorial ringfighting operation. For the right price, ‘Caesar’ Grimshank could set up an underground arena fight between any two creatures imaginable. Dog and snake, bear and shark, even man and sasquatch! That bout was rumoured to have taken place in 1937, though eyewitnesses remarked that the sasquatch bore a passing resemblance to a local drunkard named Finnis Gollmoy, albeit with tufts of hair glued on.
All fights were to the death, with the betting running into the hundreds of thousands. The most infamous fight (ranking even above the sasquatch!) ended the reign of the ruthless gangster, when secret FBI agent Billy Blixton posed as a wealthy supporter of the fights and paid handsomely for a fight between he… and ‘Caesar’ Grimshank himself! Never one to back down, Grimshank agreed, and despite employing numerous despicable tricks (spike pits and poison darts, anyone?) Blixton brutally beheaded the gangster just minutes before the entire underground complex was flooded with sewage water! And that, as they say, was that.
3. ERECTION OF THE TOWN STATUE
Our final defining moment is also the most recent! Just last week we celebrated the arrival of our very own statue of Cornelius Knutledge, complete with informative plaque and bottle of wine! Yes, our children will say that ‘the eyes follow them’ and that they hear the statue making ‘strange noises in the night’, but we elder Opa-Lockians know that this statue truly is a symbol of our pride in our community and in our history! Yes, livestock has gone missing and shown up days latter in a gory splatter at the foot of the statue, and Manny swears up and down he saw Knutledge move once, but I, for one, am proud to look up to Mr. Knutledge and all he stood for! Just don’t ask me to start keeping hundreds of wildcats! I have enough trouble with the two little devils I already have! (Fran agrees!)
See you next month when Fran finally discusses the family history behind that marmalade!
