Child motorcycle. E-bike. Crotch firecracker.
Call it what you will, but you gotta call it fun.
Much in the way that white artists co-opted and legitimized hip-hop, adults are taking the child’s pastime to a whole new level. Advanced-age childbiking is gaining devotees by the hundreds and, dare I say, metamorphosing into a lifestyle. Even cultural icons like Fun Time Internet’s Geoff Webster (pictured, left) and Fun Time Internet’s myself have jumped head-first into this underground phenomenon that many are still trying to get meat-deep into. Well, lucky for you, I’ve got all the info and an article to kill.
There’s no shortage of ways you can get a bike of your own. For the big spenders of the bunch, you can waltz into the O’Toyiggan’s near you and leave with one. They’re usually in the next aisle over from the Big Wheels. This will run you somewhere close to forty or even fifty dollars.
If you’re strapped for cash, these babies are also available at the midway of any carnival, county fair or other travelling tax shelter. But you’ll either have to excel at one of their mind-bending hick feats, like shooting a ball out of a gun into a clown’s mouth, or just cut out the middle-man and pistol-whip, pistol-whip, pistol-whip.
Congratulations! You’re now the proud owner of a child motorcycle. But don’t get ahead of yourself. It’s a long and very narrow road to Eden.
The max weight these babies usually allow is around 130 pounds, which allows for even the tub-tub-tubbiest of toddlers to take a ride and not hurt themselves. Want some help to please yourself? To mod it so your child motorcycle won’t crumble to death under your nine-to-five working ass, you’ll need to throw a make-shift suspension on it. A couple of springs from an old mattress should do. Bum around the back alley of your nearest orphanage, as there’s usually a few piss-stained suckers ready to just be hauled away.
These bikes also ship with a six-amp motor. Strip that out and slam in something that breaks the century mark. Then you won’t need a downhill start to scoot away from people pointing, laughing and yelling “I wish I was him!”
(Please note that this motor replacement can cause an electrical fire underneath your bike. So either pussy out, or just do like I do and pretend it’s nitrous.)
You’re also not supposed to take these out at night – something about drivers not being able to see you past their hood. Typical self-serving cop bullshit! But to please Johnny Law, and give yourself added visibility after dark, drill through the cheap plastic windshield and install a D-cell flashlight.
I also like to strap an orthopedic ass pillow to the seat. Put that in the “optional” pile.
Always do lots of deep stretching before any kind of child motorcycle excursion. Due to the small size of the vehicle, it is very easy to tear a groin muscle just from the simple act of mounting the bike. (For alternate riding techniques, please see “Alternate Riding Techniques”)
Leathers are not part of the adult pocketbiker’s lifestyle, nor are helmets. The emphasis is on comfort. Use as many of the following articles of clothing to both aid and identify yourself to other advanced-agers.
- Zubaz pants
- Beer hat with cans of Country Time Lemonade
- Jorts
- XL “nWo” T-shirt
- Sea-blue fanny pack filled with motion sickness pills
Try as you might, you’re probably gonna still have trouble doubling yourself up on that bike if you try and rest your feet on the pedals. But there’s more than one way to skin a cat.
Hog Style – Feet out in front like a chopper. If you fall in love with Hog Style, run some rebar through the front frame and make your own footrests. Hog out!
Witchy Style – Feet go behind you, much as a witch rides a broom. Has been known to cause severe testicular rash if used for long periods of time.
Flashy Style – FOR EXPERIENCED RIDERS ONLY. Stand on the seat and control the throttle with a dog leash. Please be careful – we’ve lost too many good advanced-agers already!
The only officially-endorsed theme to pocketbiking is “The Heat Is On” by Glenn Frey. This was decided by secret ballot at the first, and to-date last, Pocketcon in 2006, narrowly edging out “I’m Not Too Old, Not Too Young” by Aaron Carter.
The song doubles as a way to truly separate the kid-biking wheat from the kid-biking chaff. If you suspect you’ve met a closeted adult pocketbiker, lean in close and whisper “Tell me, can you feel it?” If he doesn’t respond with “Ohhhhh-whoa-ho”, peel out!
I hope this has been deeply informative, and at the very least, deeply uninformative. Either way, we’ll see you at Pocketcon 2011 in San Jose, California!
