The New 2008 Fall TV Preview, as discussed by local TV critic Juicy Jimenez
Juicy Jimenez
(Pronounced “Yoosey Yeemenas”)
H’okay couch potatoes! It’s your favorite nitpicker Ms. Juicy Jimenez here to season your sitcom salsa with a little bit of Latin flavor!
We all know it’s been a ruff-n-tuff time for Opa-Locka television this summer. Entertainment has been hard to come by, what with Artemis Webster purchasing the entire block of primetime in order to show his self produced program Static with Wolves. SWW was essentially (as you might expect) images of grey and white television static coupled with the sounds of (mostly) pregnant howling wolves. Artemis hoped the painful monotony of Static with Wolves would force Opa-Locka residents to skip town, thereby freeing up more precious real-estate. I don’t think Ol’ Webby Art-Art (as he is known locally) was prepared for the cultish following of gas-huffers who really seemed to get it.
Artemis has since grown tired of the gas-huffers’ constant misguided letters and phone calls of affection. Truth be told, even Juicy’s temper would be tested if a bunch of smelly gringos kept sending her propane-soaked Static with Wolves fan fiction. So now, Peachfuzz TV is thrust into a new fall season with more than a few hours of time to fill. Let’s take an in-depth look at some of the new pilots that will be screening this fall, as well as what the (very) few returning programs have in store for us Opa-Lockian channel surfers. Hang ten, fuckos!
Mops (dir. Corby Clapton) 7:00-7:30 PM
You’ve heard of Cops, right? This is pretty much the same thing, but with janitors. Have you ever been in the supermarket trying to decide if you can stretch your dollar wide enough to buy Slightly Processed vs. Heavily Processed Cheese Product, then all of a sudden a voice comes over the public address system saying “Clean up in Aisle 4”? Who takes care of that? Who spilled what? Is the stain ever going to come out? Mops is on the scene.
Go ahead, make a mess. But don’t be surprised if you’re on TV afterwards, with one of those blur things over your face.
Juicy says: “I seen my brudder on dere! 3/5 stars.”
Bog, the Drunken Dog Hunter (dir. Manny Shasman) 7:30-8:00PM
Wait, is Bog drunk, or is he hunting drunken dogs? The truth is, neither answer makes it okay. Bog, who you Opa-Lockians might recognize as the extremely talkative bag-boy down at Greg’s Grocery on Turner St., will stop at nothing to pin down a dirty stray dog in the streets of downtown Opa-Locka. We’re not sure if he’s hunting them in order to kill them for food, or if he just wants a friend that won’t be offended by his unnatural “sausagey” body odour.
Juicy says: “Bog is a nice boy. He bag my groceries for free, and never tell anyone that I sneak an extra case of coke on the way out. I give 4/5 stars. He the reason I keep my dog inside at night, though.”
Static with Wolves: Nights (dir. Yark Lohras) 8:00-8:30PM
Yark Lohras injects a much needed sexiness to this otherwise stale comedy of errors. Pregnant wolves have never sounded better on a backdrop of grey and white static. But wait, who’s the father of Wolfy’s baby wolf? Is it Bane, or is it Scar? This kind of drama is what separates SWW with SWW:N. Don’t get too comfortable, gas-huffers.
Juicy says: “H’okay, I really didn’t get it this summer, but I really don’t get it now. It’s still jus’ Wolves howling on top of static. And I think that Wolfy really needs to give Bane the heave-ho. Scar loves her, and that’s all that matters in a relationship. I give 2/5 stars.”
This Old Mouse (dir. Gandrew Moosepart) 8:30-9:00PM
In this reality fix-up show, Gandrew Moosepart travels to local homes in order to find out the source of that terrible stench emanating from their room(s). Nine out of ten times it’s a decomposing mouse corpse, but sometimes it’s related to milk product that was not properly discarded. You’ll laugh, but hopefully you’ll also learn how to keep these smells out of your humble abode.
Juicy says: “I done smelled some real smelly smells in my day, but Juicy will never forget the time I finally pulled my fridge out from the wall to reveal that dead mouse colony that had formed some years before. It was disgusting. I give This Old Mouse 5/5 stars.”
Opa-Locka’s Next Top Lap Dancer (dir. Brian Reukasick) 9:00-10:00PM
Every lady knows that the best job one can hope for growing up in Opa-Locka is that of a private dancer. In the high school yearbook, you always see girls who say their ambition is to become a stripper, but maybe only two or three of those girls make it to become a featured dancer at the Straight-Shooter Gentleman’s Towne-Club. This show gives these girls a real chance at their dream, while putting them through rigorous challenges that test their patience as much as their flexibility.
Juicy says: “I spent a year at Shooter’s as a topless server, and I be lying if I told you I didn’a enjoy every minute of it. It was there I met the man of my dreams, Henrique Vasqual, the editor of the Opa-Locka Examininor. He saw my potential as a geurnalist, and I haven’t looked back.”
Peachfuzz TV really has a lot to offer this Fall. Turn on your TV, shut down your brain and be welcoming to a season of mindful entertainment that’ll truly make you feel like Opa-Locka’s Next Top Citizen. This is Juicy Jimenez saying “Stay the fuck off of my lawn, Jorge, you drunken bastard”.
