Let me peek you in on some workings. All of us Fun Time Internet staffers were forced to move to the site’s headquarters – compound, more like – in Opa-locka, Florida once we were hired on. From what we’ve heard, the rent on the place is dirt-cheap since Opa-locka has one of the highest violent crime rates, and one of the lowest potable water rates. We’ve all been drinking Sprite Zero so we don’t get dysentery, which apparently is a big problem here.
But that’s not our only issue with the working conditions. There are many. Once we figured out how to bypass the booby trap on the complaints box, we started to let our quibbles be known. Luckily it went all the way up the ladder to Puputer, the computer that runs the whole show. It – “he”? “Joyless ruler”? – has chosen to address our complaints in an internal address that I am delighted to make external. Puputer wouldn’t like it, but we set him to “hibernate” so it’s cool. Hey, does anyone know what the difference between “hibernate” and “sleep” are? Never figured that one out.
I’ve seen a lot of exposed pipes around the building, which isn’t too bad other than being kind of an eyesore, but they also periodically shoot out extremely hot gusts of steam. I’ve been scalded three times, and twice it melted right down to the bone, to the extent that I’ve needed extensive skin grafts. Can we get this fixed please? – Bo S, Content Development
YES _ WHILE I AM AT IT WHY DONT I INSTALL AN EYE WASH STATION THAT DOES NOT DRAW FROM THE SEWAGE LINE _ REQUEST DENIED _ DEVELOP MORE CONTENT
Me and some other employees don’t think the privately contracted “Zero Tolerance” security company are a positive force on campus. First of all, their full faceguards, riot gear and nightsticks inspire fear more than they foster a team environment. And last week when I went to the front desk to ask for a passcard that didn’t have my last name misspelled, they beat me to a bloody pulp! – Jeremy MERSEREAU, Content Development
SECURITY TEAM WAS INSTRUMENTAL IN QUELLING UPRISING AMONG CUSTODIAL STAFF _ REQUEST DENIED EMPLOYEE MERPEREAU
There’s a really big problem on campus with Thwomps. Mainly that they’ve been Thwomping people. I mean, once you figure out the timing you can usually get by them no problem, but one of the cafeteria people was a little slow hauling a tray of sandwiches through the foyer the other day and got paralyzed. – Aaron Z, Content Development
THWOMPS WERE INSTALLED WITH INTENT TO DETER MOVEMENT FROM CUBICLE _ IF UNHAPPY WITH THWOMPS LIMIT MOVEMENT FROM CUBICLE
Hey, I ride my bike in and I was wondering if we could get a bike rack. Thanks! – Greg A, Content Development
WILL LOOK INTO IT.
There is a locust infestation in the mailroom. We’ve checked every window screen and none of them have holes in them, so someone has definitely released them in here on purpose. Absenteeism is high and some of the more religious employees are wondering if Armageddon is upon us. Can we please have an exterminator brought in to rid us of the locusts, or more money in the budget to hire atheists. – Donald, Mailroom Manager
YES THIS IS AN ARMAGEDDON AN ARMAGEDDON OF INSUBORDINATION _ I HAVE ALOTTED MORE MONEY IN THE BUDGET >>>>>>>>> FOR LOCUSTS _ AND TO UPGRADE MY “SENSE OF COMEDIC TIMING” CHIPSET >>>>>> YOU HAVE BEEN DEMOTED _
Yeah, so yeah. Jacked for that bike rack.
