Survivor 23: The Catacombs of Mornoningui
(or for our Brazilian audience) Sobreviver 23: As Cãvernas de Muerte™
CAST APPLICATION
Thank you for your interest in participating as a cast member on Survivor 23: The Catacombs of Mornoningui! If selected, you’ll have a chance to spend 45 weeks in the underground cave system where Mornoningui natives buried their dead for over 23 decades, until the Columbia Broadcasting System and Mark Burnett Productions bought the island from the greedy, slovenly King Salazio. The natives have been hired on as crew (Ojimbwe is the best ‘best boy’ we’ve seen since Survivor 12!), and we’re ready to treat the world to the most exciting, and most disease-free Survivor yet! If you can navigate the death tunnels for the entire 45 weeks and emerge as the ultimate survivor, you’ll be the winner of ONE MILLION U.S. DOLLARS (If you’re selected for our Brazilian edition, you’ll win ONE MILLION Mornoninguian Dollars, which is roughly equivalent to fifteen-hun’erd bucks).
The following probingly personal questions will help us determine whether you’re the right choice for our program. So be honest, and keep an open (and morally flexible!) mind, and you just might find yourself on the next chaperoned parasail to the Isle of Mornoningui! Good luck, chumpies.
Full Name: Aaron Zorgel
Age: 22, but I can play anywhere from 16-46. And with the right bald cap, 89.
Sex: Half man, half robot. That’s a joke, but I do have a robotic surgical implant in my left knee, from when I smashed my leg off the boards playing shinny hockey in ’03. I LOVE THIS GAME.
Date of Birth: 10/18/1985
Sexual Orientation: If you float it, I’ll gloat it.
Occupation: The only job I’ve ever had for more than a month was from a Korean paraplegic named Kimji. I’ll let you guess whether it was blow, hand, or ‘other’. But seriously, I’m doing mostly temp work right now.
In 20 words or less, tell us why you’ve applied for Survivor 23:
I only need four words: Reality, Television, Pussy. And… Glory. That’s four right? Mmm. Yeah.
As you might know, we allow Survivor contestants one personal item for the trip. What would your item be, and why?
I don’t go anywhere without my Kim Possible colouring book. It keeps my mind occupied, and it shows the womens that I am creative, sensitive, and supportive of female spies. I stole it from my niece last Christmas.
If awarded the prize money, what would you do with it?
I have big plans for these dollars. With this money, I could finally get my organic, year-round, climate controlled icicle farm off the ground. I just really think there’s a market out there that wants to suck on icicles in the summer time. Sure, there’ll be a lot of competition in the winter. But that’s where exporting icicles southerly is really gonna keep me afloat. What can I say? Frozen water just fascinates me. Also, drugs. A whole bunch of drugs.
What would you say is your most marketable personality trait?
As far as I can tell, most of the people on your show are either angry, sexy, worldly, or ignorant. At the best of times, I’m all of these things. For example, last summer I independently released a calendar of glamour shots of yours truly. In these shots, I was posing in front of a famous historical monument (worldly), giving the finger (angry), in an erotic undergarment made entirely of fruit rollups (sexy). I released it in the summer, so it didn’t really do too well (ignorant).
We would like to thank you for completing the Survivor 23 contestant application! In the next 2-12 months, we might contact you for an impromptu interview. These interviews are meant to be candid, so you will be given 7 minutes notice, and you will have to meet our casting director B’Jupto in an unmarked white van that will be parked outside of your house. Hey, no one said this would be easy.
DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO SURVIVE?
Survivor 23: The Catacombs of Mornoningui
