This is the Stellar Travel Response and Complaints Page. As space tourism is still in its infancy, so is our plan to give you the best “space cruise” experience that we can. That’s why we always love to hear what you thought of your cruise. Please fill out the following fields and we will do our best to reflect your needs in the future!
Name: Golda Rabin
Date of Cruise Taken: August 10, 2028 – August 16, 2028
Comment:
Oh God, where do I begin! You want to talk space disasters? Don’t talk about those poor apes they sent to Mars that accidentally fell out of the shuttle – talk about the Rabins’ first and last space cruise experience with Stellar Travel!
My husband Gabe and I were already antsy going in. He still gets motion sick, so I could only imagine how green he’d get on that spacecraft. We had enough money to either take a moon trip or go to Las Vegas for the shows. But since we’d already seen the “You Think You Can Dance” dancers there, we figured “What the hey? Let’s do outer space!” Plus the Murphys next door have been so high and mighty since they went on the earth orbit and saw the Great Wall of China. Big whup, Donna, how long’s the wall been there, a million years?
So we went, and took my father Daniel along. I told Gabe, “What’s he got, two years left?” I told him, “If he doesn’t come with, do you want it on your conscience when he strokes out for good and never saw space?” The first sign everything was going to pot was when he forgot his glasses at the airport bathroom and had to stumble around like Mister Magoo for the whole cruise! Of course there was nowhere on board to buy a new pair.
Then it came to meal #1 at the dinner hall. What a catastrophe! Question: has anyone on that spaceship ever put together a cruise buffet before? Apparently the whole thing was done educationally, all with food that scientists think we can farm off other planets. It took us five minutes to realize they didn’t put out any jumbo shrimp! I didn’t know what to say. My father finally turned bright red and yelled, “Where’s the jumbos?!” Thank God he didn’t keel over into the macaroni salad right there!
I cornered the dinner manager and said, “Look, I was a public school teacher for thirty years! I don’t need to be taught about food, I need to be fed!” I could tell Gabe was as upset as me because he just kind of shrunk into his tennis shirt and busied himself by the ice cream bar. Luckily the manager said they’d apply a small refund to our credit card. Finally, some respect!
But that wasn’t all. As one night’s “feature entertainment”, an astronomer or astrologer or whichever thought it would be a thrill to show us a blown-up hologrammer of the constellations we were passing by. I told Gabe, “This is what we spent our Vegas money on? The last cruise we were on had an Austin Powers impersonator!” We ended up leaving halfway through to watch the Pay Per View in our cabin. So disappointing!
On the TV situation: is it such a big deal to get a few channels up there? We must have watched that Abigail Bresling movie three times (and believe me, she’s really starting to flower!) If you can send those fat Murphys to the Big Dipper, then you’d think you could beam some CNN up there so we don’t miss Larry King. The man’s 94, any show could be his last! But I guess you’re still working on the jumbo shrimp situation!
And here’s the capper: the goodbye basket was garbage! No soaps, restaurant gift cards or even a measly T-shirt. They gave us a book that shows all the stars along our trip route and the meanings behind their names, plus a picture of the star that had been named after our specific cruise. I whipped through that thing in five seconds and said to Gabe, “Guess a shirt is too much to ask.” He feigned interest in it, even going “cool stuff” under his breath a couple of times, but he did that for my benefit. He’s a good man.
So look, all I’m asking for is a full refund, an apology and a T-shirt. That’ll give me something to rub in that Donna Murphy’s bloated face, or at least some Botox money so mine can match hers. I kid, I don’t need injections. We all know you had work done Donna!
