Tiny Hands Make Tiny Guitars

We live in a world of mini-pizzas, mini-malls, and mini-motorcycles, so it’s no wonder the Tiny Guitar craze has taken this country by storm.

These days you can barely take three steps down the street without passing by a young hipster strumming away at some itty-bitty music ditty. And of course there’s the ubiquitous Tiny Tunes™ Miniature Guitar Store at every street corner. Our very own town of Opa-Locka is home to not one but TWO Tiny Guitar factories!

So how come none of that sexy cash money is coming our way? The town’s unemployment rate is still one of the highest in the country. Heston Wexelbaum, President of Wee ’Tar™, the world’s largest producer of miniature novelty guitars, explains, “The exquisite art of Tiny Guitar construction requires the most minute and detailed craftsmanship. You need tiny, carnie-like hands to make Tiny Guitars.”

That’s why Wee ’Tar exploits Opa-Locka’s vast population of feral children to build its mini musical masterpieces.

For the past decade Opa-Locka has been plagued by bands of ravenous feral children, the orphaned offspring of carnies slaughtered in the infamous “Carnpocalypse” Street Gang/Carnie Turf War of Summer ’97. Having no formal education besides being taught how to swindle honest folks at crooked games, these abandoned carnie kids reverted into a vicious animal-like state, prowling the streets for shiny objects and sugar-based snacky-snacks.

As we all know, the few ferals that survive the annual culling and become adults (more commonly referred to as “Morlocks”) only come out at night, to wreak havoc on those who neglect to heavily barricade their homes.

Taking feral children off the streets and into the sweatshops has done more than just make it somewhat safer to go out at night. The switch to feral child labor has also saved Wee ‘Tar thousands of dollars in overhead. “We don’t have to pay them,” boasts Wexelbaum. “They don’t even know the concept of money.”

But that hasn’t stopped the Children’s Aid Society from trying to shut them down. “Child labor laws be darned!” exclaims Wexelbaum. “This is the cutthroat world of Tiny Guitars we’re talking about here. We’re talking big money. Like tens of hundreds of dollars.”

Wexelbaum defends his harsh treatment of feral children. “I don’t hear them complaining. Probably ’cause they lack basic verbal communication skills.”

Wee ’Tar dealt with this labor law problem in a most ingenious fashion: It changed its “Tiny Guitar Factory” signs to read “Tiny Guitar Factory AND Orphanage.” But the Wee ’Tar Corporation didn’t drink from the ambrosia-filled pimp chalice of victory for long. When the feds threatened to take his feral child labor away from him for good, Heston Wexelbaum responded by threatening to cut off the world’s precious flow of Tiny Guitars. “Washington gave in within seconds of my ultimatum,” laughs Wexelbaum. “If they hadn’t, the U.N. would have stepped in. The world just can’t live without its Tiny Guitars.”

But it hasn’t been all smooth sailing since this major victory for Wee ’Tars. Feral child labor poses unique problems of its own. Especially when it comes to discipline. “They become immune to mace and pepper spray deterrents real quick,” admits Wexelbaum, “as well as shock collars and cattle prods. They’ve got mighty tough hides. Like a hippopotamus.” Feral child wranglers also need regular tetanus shots due to frequent bitings. My editor won’t even allow me to go into any detail on the dangers of castrating “Bull Morlocks” to curb their aggressiveness.

Wexelbaum prefers to focus on the positive. “Look at it this way, with a stable of Morlockettes this big, I’ll never have to pay for sex again.”

What does the future hold for Tiny Guitars? Heston Wexelbaum lets out this juicy tiny tidbit for next year’s Wee ’Tar line: “Three Words. Tiny Guitar Hero. We originally developed the smaller guitar controller for all those Asian kids with teeny tiny hands who complained the standard controller was too big.” Tiny Guitar Hero hits North American Tiny Guitar shelves next Christmas.

As for the future of forced feral child and “Morlock” labor, Wexelbaum is now breeding them for other corporations. “Different breeds for different jobs,” he claims. “That’s the future of labor. Take that, Karl Marx!”

This is a troubling revelation to all blue-collar Americans and illegal immigrant workers, soon to be permanently unemployed if Wexelbaum’s subhuman slave race scheme comes to fruition.

Wexelbaum responds to these concerns by rubbing his forefinger against his thumb. “You hear that?” he asks. “That’s me playing the world’s smallest violin.”

I look closer. He didn’t just mean that as a figure of speech. Wee ’Tar’s “Itty Little Fiddle” tiny violin hits shelves next month!