BOYD: Ahoy, billiard fanatics! It’s me, your gallant host, Boyd Pepperidge, and it’s time to talk snooker!
OPENING CREDITS
BOYD: Today on ‘Billiard Babble’, we’ll be taking a gander at the top billiard matches of all time! You might be a mite tickled to learn we’ve “cued” up some rare footage of these matches in action!
1. EDMUND GALLOWAY VS. MORTIMER ‘TOOKEY’ PEEVELY – O’SHAUNNESEY’S, 1930.
BOYD: (Chuckles delightedly). Ahhh, a true classic, we’re off to an exciting start, snooker fans! As you’ll all well remember (being that our ratings show that none of our viewers are under 78 years of age), America was in the grips of the Great Depression at the time of this match. In an effort to revitalize the country’s morale (and direct attention away from his numerous assault charges), National Snooker Society President Herman O. Herman organized this now-legendary game. The spry 57 year-old Edmund Galloway was soundly whipped in one round by Peevely, at the time a healthy 108 years of age. Ol’ Tookey showed his stripes with a dazzling Crenshaw Cross, clearing every ball on the table and jumping the cue ball right into his trademark stovepipe hat. Ever the gentleman, Edmund took the loss bravely, depositing the agreed-upon sum of 12 Spanish doubloons into Tookey’s hat, and retiring to his apple farm in Stovebrook, never try his hand at snooker again.
2. KATO ‘EVIL EYE’ TANASHII VS. JOHNNY ‘THE CONUNDRUM’ HENNESSEY – TENNESSEE STATE AIRPORT BAR, 1991. (aired live on BWW’s SNOOK’D!)
BOYD: Recalling this match should bring a tear to any snooker aficionado’s eye! Back in 1990, Japan’s billiards scene was thrown into an uproar when word spread of a small-time hustler named Kato Tanashii from Kagoshima Prefecture who could curse his opponents with his demonic gaze. It wasn’t long before the NSS started getting nervous, worrying that this Oriental sorcerer could challenge the United States for world snooker supremacy. In response they organized this match, and sold the broadcast rights to the fledgling BWW (Billiards World Wide) network for the princely sum of $34.12. But who could hope to challenge the mysterious magic man from the East? The NSS, wary of Tanashii’s reputation, decided to back Johnny Hennessey, a 14-year-old poolhall prodigy, known colloquially as “The Conundrum” due to the fact that he was completely blind. None of Tanashii’s Eastern devilry could shake the young Hennessey, and the rook took the stoolie in a downright invigorating final round Dead Man’s Bluff. Humiliated, Tanashii took his cue stick and plunged it into his heart, thus ending his Oriental reign of terror over our noble sport (and spelling the end of the BWW network due to the influx of FCC complaints).
3. TOOKEY PRIME VS. BOYD PEPPERIDGE – LOCATION CLASSIFIED, 2008.
BOYD: In a dastardly attempt to remove yours truly from the presidency of the National Snooker Society, Herman O. Herman XII retrieved the still-sharp brain of Mortimer Peevely from the Peevely Tomb in rural Arkansas. He placed it within an immense robotic exoskeleton constructed by NSS head scientist Rastus Goddles, and called his demonic creation Tookey Prime. Enhanced by the greatest billiard mind of all time, the evil robot went on a snooker rampage, leaving behind only broken cue sticks and broken dreams. Not to tootle my own trumpet, but I knew I had to step up! The brutal battle raged for a full month, with neither myself nor the monstrous Prime gaining the upper hand. Oh, snooker fans, it was truly a battle to behold! Suffice to say, yours truly came out on top in the end, with Tookey Prime self-destructing and the never-fail Pepperidge Pull maneuver proving itself once again!
And that’s all the time we have this week on Billiard Babble! Join us again next week when we take a look at Quirrell Mackintosh: deserving snooker superstar or fastidious fraud? See you next week!
