Welcome, everybody. Hi, welcome, hoot a toot. Thanks for visiting our site, Fun Time Internet. Your patronage is appreciated as in time, we hope this will not only be the site, but the only site. While our immediate focus is on entertaining you with the funniest people that could be found within grabbin’-at distance, the ultimate goal is annihilation. A scorched world wide web policy that will leave no domain unharmed, aside from ours. It’s kind of diabolical.
Don’t act like it’s my idea though. I believe in peace, not love. Unfortunately, this site, like both Myspace and Break.com, is the offspring of a singular malicious computer with super-human intelligence. It calls itself Puputer, and was created by an enraged and vengeful Lord, and Geek Squad. Acting as a pawn to its world domination scheme wasn’t on my radar for this summer, but it pays the bills, and I reeeeeally don’t want to work for that door-to-door knife company again. I’m still trying to get rid of these blades that, contrary to popular belief, cannot cut through a shoe.
So which sites will be the first to stand among the fallen?
CheapFlights.com – It’s time to take these bastards down a peg. No further explanation needed.
FunTimeScrapbooking.com – We take serious umbrage with this happy-go-lucky bunch of scrapbookers. Alphabetically, they’re our Internet neighbours. And they’re cramping our elby room. So before you can rule the world, you gotta make things good in the hood. The plan of attack is same as when those Asians moved in next door to me: the first morning after we move in, they wake up to me on their lawn strung out on heroin, mumbling about some chick named “Odette” who apparently stole my car. Suddenly we’ve got stretchin’ space.
SubservientChicken.com – This one doubles as a humanitarian mission. It’s time to free this anthropomorph from his poorly-decorated prison. I heard they send in a sex worker and a crate of loaded potato skins every two weeks so the guy doesn’t blow his brains out. I sure would after being continually instructed to “jack off” by thirteen year olds. His plaintive shrug isn’t one of confusion, but existential crisis. At the very least we’re gonna get this guy that poster of the two underwear chicks making out, spruce up the joint a little.
Infogrid.com– What fault could we find with KidGrid, a site that touts itself as “safe-sites-only fast fun safe internet links for kids, family, and everyone!”? Firstly, and worstly, do the math: “everyone” means they’re catering to dog molesters, the worst kind of molesters. And to put the egg in the basket, when you Google “Fun Time Internet”, we redeemingly come up first, but KidGrid is the second result. They’re nipping at our heels like a dog angry it was molested.
Facebook.com – That’s right. We’re huntin’ big game. At one point the sacred Book was child, mother and secret lover to us here at Fun Time Internet. But that all changed when they added Facebook Messenger to the mix. We already didn’t like that pyromaniacs we were vaguely pleasant to in high school could add us and invite us to every application possible, up to and including the “Which Who’s The Boss Character Are You?” app. And now they can make full, unfettered penetration into our happy day of ogling folks’ hot friends? No dice, no dice at all. And we know you can turn the thing off, but then when people see you’re online and not on Messenger, they know you turned it off because you’re scared they’re going to burn your house down. Then they burn your house down! This is how deep the roots go.
No one will be spared. And hey, have fun, and try not to let the cat out.
