Dear Bo,
There’s this cute girl at my office I’m quite taken with, but I’m too shy to ask her out. Any advice?
Shy Guy in Des Moines
You think your life sucks when you have a beautiful lass in your life to mentally undress at your leisure? I should be so lucky! You don’t know how good you’ve got it just to even have a hope of being with a woman.
But since you’re selfishly asking for help, and I have a word count to fill, I’ll give you this advice: Don’t be yourself. That’s why you’re alone. When constructing a lie to impress, remember to take lots of notes. You may have to refer to them later. Sometimes years later. So regularly study these notes, too. If she’s already in a relationship, pretend you are too. She won’t see you as threatening, plus there’s the “girlfriend factor”, which makes any attached male automatically more attractive to other females.
Remember to Photoshop pictures of you and your “girlfriend” together. A lie is of no value if you can’t produce evidence to “prove” it. Make sure she’s slightly more attractive than the girl you’re after. It makes you look slightly out of her league. If you’re not tech savvy with the Photoshop, you’re not out of luck. Most prostitutes will pose for photographs with clients. While this may set you back several tens, and possibly even hundreds of dollars, the upside is that you’ll have a completely authentic photograph of you and your “girlfriend”. NB: Never ever show these photos to police working in Vice.
If your beloved invites you on a double date with her BF, don’t sweat it. Just pretend your girlfriend dumped you prior to the date. (Practice your female voice if need be, for a faked phone break-up message!) This will conveniently explain her absence and make you the center of attention and sympathy. Plus it makes it awkward for the BF as he is clearly out of the friendship loop. And any awkward and failed attempts of his to cheer you up will make him look insensitive in her eyes.
Dear Bo,
I’m a mother of two boys, 8 and 10, who are incredibly hyperactive. It’s having an effect on their grades and my marriage. My husband and I have tried medication, changing their diet, even hypnosis. We’ve tried everything but violence and nothing seems to make them calm down and focus. Save my family, Bo!
Desperate Mom in Minneapolis
Having kids was your first mistake. Secondly, what the hell kind of names are “8” and “10”?! No wonder your kids are fucked up. You must have named them after you and your husband’s IQs.
You tried everything but violence and you failed. Newsflash, Mama Moron! You failed because you DIDN’T use violence. If you were ever bullied as a child you probably still remember the damaging effect this had on you. Use this as your blueprint to parenting.
It’s important to instill fear in your children. Fear of you. Fear of failure. Fear of what you will do to them if they fail. If your kids know that anything less than a B+ on that Social Studies project will get them a visit from “Old Hickory”, they’ll be motivated to get an A. If they don’t make the grade, you’re not beating them enough.
And don’t limit yourself to just violence. Denying them meals, i.e. starvation, and grounding them in their rooms (or better yet, a cage) are also fine strategies. Remember this rule of thumb, if it worked it Guantanamo, it’ll work on a couple of kids. A regular beating goes a long way. Plus it’s fun as hell! I almost wish I had kids of my own to beat on. Instead I just have to settle for neighbors and nephews.
Dear Bo,
How do I deal with the crippling loneliness of being alone?
Mr. Lonely in Calgary
Here’s what I do to make my own loneliness not so soul-crushingly terrible:
Don’t hang up on telemarketers. They’re pathetic. Just like you. Practice your social skills with them. That way you can truthfully say you had a conversation with someone that day.
Carry a cell phone and pretend to talk/text in public. People will think you actually have a social life. And a job. Teenage girls will think you’re hip to the thumb-speak. If you’re into teenage girls.
Don’t have many friends on Facebook? INVENT SOME! You can find plenty of pictures of young, attractive, successful looking people using Google Image Search. Just rip the info off other Facebook profiles and BAM! Anyone who curiously stumbles across your profile will think you have loads of pals! And sending Facebook messages to yourself is fun. Almost like having real friends. Almost…
Make an Activity Calendar to keep yourself busy and on a schedule. I use mine to give myself a reason to get up in the morning. Start with simple activities like “brush teeth” and “take a shower”. This will add a sense of accomplishment to an otherwise wasted day. You can make stuff up too. Like “hang gliding”, “rock climbing”, and “dragon slaying”! If someone sees it, they’ll think you live a rich full life and may even want to join you in these activities.
I don’t recommend mail order brides. They’re expensive and have a very complicated return policy.
Next Week: Bo spills the beans on how to turn a cry-for-help suicide attempt into a way to meet people!
