Provided by Fitz Glynnie, FantasyFancy.com
Alright, stat-heads, break out your almanacs and protractors, because as the Greater Opa-Locka Company Softball League gears up for another seven-week season of softball slugging excitement, we the fans get ready to assemble our dream squads for warfare in the fantasy world, which is the only place you’ll find where players from the rival Taco Bell on Main and Taco Bell on Jackson teams can play on the same side! My heart’s already palpitating. I can’t wait another day for the Boys and their Wives or Girlfriends of the End of Summer!
Being the dictionary definition of unemployable (and the legal definition of mentally-challenged – I stress the word “legal”!), you won’t see me stealing second base, or rather the phone book that represents second base. But I have watched every game in the last three years from the comfy confines of the front seat of my Grandpa’s van, so here’s the low-down on who you should be thinking about on Draft Day.
Suzanne Henkens (Salad Days Diner)
This humble (and very attractive!) slugger is new to this level of play, stating in the preseason that it “would be cool to hang out with work people and stuff”. The mother of two could be on pace for a record-setting campaign, depending on if her night school classes get moved or stay on the same day as last semester.
Jeff Fogel (Do-It-Smart Taxes)
The temperamental speedster who stole second phone book twenty-one times last year wishes he could recover the prestige he lost when he skipped last year’s championship game to help his sister-in-law move. Where’s your eye of the tiger, Fogel – or did you accidentally file it in a return? Take him if he lasts late.
Sid Shatner (Large and Wide Suits and Apparel)
While he’s got the most reliable underhand lob in the league, Sid’s still trying to live down the shocking cop-out I can’t forget – when he allowed his five-year old son to bat for him, leaving the crowd cooing and sickened. While the other team graciously let Shatner save face and issued little Stevie a (seemingly) intentional walk, you might want to steer clear of his less-than-clutch father.
Jenny Granderson (Time of Your Life Party Planning)
This rangy (and extremely attractive!) outfielder can track down just about any fly ball that sails her way, if your league uses fielding percentage as a vital stat. But just don’t ask her for an interview! When I approached her house to score a quote for this preview (through the backyard, so as not to disturb her) she accused me of stealing bank statements from her mailbox and called the police! It’s a sad day when you learn your heroes aren’t heroes at all.
Mendy Martinez (Applebee’s)
Ding-a-ding-ding – we have a ringer! Fresh off a stint in the minors (the Florida Penitentiary Softball League) and hired in spite of his previous armed robbery conviction to fill a hole at first base, Mendy’s 230 pounds of pure muscle have taken him all the way to the high pressure, high reward environment of the Applebee’s kitchen. He’s looking to do some damage to opposing pitchers and anyone from the block who thinks that, just because he washes dishes, he ain’t hard no more.
Scary Larry
To the uninitiated, Scary Larry is the homeless slugger who lives in the chip truck that someone ditched in the ravine, and who is occasionally allowed to play. Hard to tag out in a rundown, because of that sharpened piece of tile he carries around. A can’t-miss selection!
Merle “The Pearl” Head (Town Council)
The Company Softball League’s court jester is known for cracking up crowds by swinging the bat with one hand, and running the bases with his beer (pretty freakin’ funny, I’ll admit). But he’s also a threat to “go yard” at any time! That is, after he’s served his suspension for “playfully” headbutting the 16-year-old umpire after a (highly debatable) strike three. Sometimes you have to keep the emotions in check, big guy.
While I’m sure most of you already have your leagues locked down, I’ve got nine openings in my ten-team league! Feel free to use the online functionality on this site to login and set your picks, or show up for the live draft at my grandpa’s house. He’s pretty alright.
But above all else, enjoy this season of company ball! Unfortunately, you won’t be able to spot me at any of this year’s games, as several of the female players have issued restraining orders against yours truly for what they consider “stalker-like behaviour”. Is it “stalker-like behaviour” to skulk around in their backyard while they swim, watching them like a hawk for subtle signs of injury? For love of the game, I guess!
Play ball!
