CHRISTMAS COMES TO PAC-LAND (1982)
Pac-Man is a circle that eats squares and gets chased by a pack of ghosts in a maze. Not much to work with story-wise. So it’s no wonder this spin-off of the ‘80s animated series based on the video game is a surrealist mind-fudge. Pac-Man lives with his wife, Mrs. “Pepper” Pac-Man (not Ms. Pac-Man, and she doesn’t wear a red bow, so I’m assuming Ms. Pac-Man is an ex-wife who decided to keep her married name for business reasons), his child Pac-Baby (an obnoxious “goo goo gah gah” Pebbles Flintstone clone), and his Pac-Cat and Pac-Dog. The amount of creativity put into this property is staggering.
Our strange story begins as Pac-Man and Pepper are making “snow ghosts” for Pac-Baby to practice “chomping” on.
In Pac-Land they teach hatred at a young age.
Then, like clockwork, a group of real ghosts (or “ghost monsters” as they’re referred to here) attack the Pac-Family and chase them around the forest in an attempt to “chomp” them.
“Packie, look out,” cries Pepper as her husband is almost “chomped.” Packie?! Okay, I know the Pac-Family lives in a world where there aren’t any Pakistanis, but the guy who wrote this special lives in a world where there are. There’s just no need for racial epithets in children’s programming.
The Pac-Family eventually finds some Power-Pellets in the forest, which enables them to “chomp” the “ghost monsters.” Watching the Pac-Man clan tease and devour their enemies is more chilling than it is rewarding. It’s like a children’s version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It’s one thing to get back at your foes, but to be spiteful enough to eat them!? It doesn’t send a very wholesome message to the kiddies.
Things take an even more surreal turn as the eyeballs of the recently digested “ghost monsters” float up into the air to return home, just like in the arcade game. But it’s more disturbing in animated form. On the way home the floating pairs of eyeballs attack Santa’s sleigh and scare the living shit out of his reindeer, which for some reason sound EXACTLY like horses.
This is starting to seem like something out of a David Lynch film.
The sack of toys is knocked overboard as the sleigh careens out of control, conveniently crashing only feet away from the Pac-clan. Santa and his reindeer are on the brink of death.
“Pac-Baby wanna poke dead body wit a stick!”
The Pac-Family has no idea what they’ve run into. They think they’ve come across a UFO crash site. They don’t know who Santa is. They’ve never heard of Christmas. They live in a godless world of evil ghosts and Power-Pellet addiction. They’re the kind of people who eat their enemies out of spite. Do they even know what compassion is?
After a few minutes of gawking over the soon-to-be-corpses, Pepper says, “I think they need help, Packie.” I think you need a lesson in racial tolerance, Pepper.
The Pac-Family takes Santa and his reindeer back home and nurse them back to health. Pepper flirts with Saint Nick as she serves him a cup of “Power-Pellet cocoa.” Santa ignores these sexual advances and tries to convert the Pac-Clan from their godless ways by telling them about Christmas. Appealing to the Pac’s strong sense of greed, Santa avoids any Jesus references and instead focuses on the gift giving aspect of Christmas, particularly his own role as principal gift-giver. Santa claims that with his sleigh damaged and without his sack of toys, Christmas might not happen this year. It’s obvious that Santa’s never seen “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” Realizing the potential to cash in on this tragedy, Pac-Man and his pals, the seemingly silent Morris and Officer O’Pac, agree to save Christmas.
Meanwhile the ghost monsters return to their mountaintop lair and put their ghost suits back on.
So the Pac-Family only eats their clothes?! That’s somehow even more disturbing.
As they embark on a revenge mission, the ghost monsters sing the traditional holiday song “Jingle Bells,” but with altered lyrics:
“Dashing through the snow,
In a three ghost open sleigh,
O’er the fields we go,
CHOMPING all the way.”
I find it extremely hard to believe that they can live in a world where nobody’s ever heard of Christmas, yet everyone knows the words to “Jingle Bells.” And I’m getting mighty sick of the overuse of the word “chomp.”
The ghost monsters eventually find and loot Santa’s toy sack. Pac-Man and his Pac-Dog, whose name is Chomp Chomp (enough with the ‘chomps’ already!), manage to recover the toys. But Pac-Man is captured. We’re then treated to some of the worst dialogue I’ve ever heard:
INKY: C’mon fellas, let’s CHOMP him!
BLINKY: Let’s stop wasting time and CHOMP on his bones!
PINKY: Let’s CHOMP the little CHOMP!
Now the screenwriter’s just getting lazy! Ever hear of a thesaurus?
The ghost monsters pounce on Pac-Man and we hear CHOMPING noises. (Damn it, now they’ve got me saying it too!)
But Pac-Man is still alive! Clearly this “chomping” is not as severe as I was lead to believe.
Meanwhile Officer O’Pac (apparently there’s Irish people in Pac-Land) informs Santa that his sleigh has been repaired. Morris finally opens his mouth to say, “[T]he work comes with a 50,000 CHOMP warranty. You get it? CHOMP warranty!” I’m afraid I don’t get it, Morris. The only thing I’m GETTING is a HEADACHE from all the times I’ve heard the word “chomp”! I’ve heard the word “chomp” more times in the last fifteen minutes than I’ve heard in the entirety of my life!
I liked him better when he wasn’t allowed to speak.
It’s twenty minutes to midnight and Santa is starting to lose his shit. “Gosh,” says Pepper, “I wonder what’s taking Packie so long.” Immediately a nearly dead Pac-Man staggers in, toys in tow. “Oh Packie! Are you alright?” She just said “Packie” twice in a period less than 10 seconds! The screenwriter has clearly lost his mind by this point.
“Looks like we saved Christmas after all,” says Morris. But Santa won’t have any of that optimism shit. “I’m afraid not, it’s too late… this is the first Christmas I’ve missed in all of history!” A depressed and suicidal Santa? Awesome!
Santa whines that he couldn’t make his deliveries in time even if his reindeer were jet-propelled. This gives Pac-Man an idea: Feed Power-Pellets to the reindeer! In case the idea didn’t seem stupid enough, Morris offers this gem: “Methinks Packie’s gone wacky!” Sigh.
Santa and the Pac-Gang reach the Power-Pellet Forest. Saint Nick refuses to feed his reindeer radioactive glowing drugs. For all we know, they might kill them. “C’mon,” says the pusher Pac-Man. “Give ‘em a CHOMP.” In Pac-Land the words “bite,” “taste,” “nibble,” and “eat” do not exist. Either that or they don’t exist in the screenwriter’s vocabulary.
Santa reluctantly feeds the poisonous glowing drugs to his reindeer, which start glowing and performing some sort of sped-up tap dance routine. Santa is thrilled and speeds off in his sleigh like a rocket. The reindeer look totally strung out, but Santa is thrilled. After all, this is a man who keeps the entire race of elves in indentured servitude.
There’s a lesson to be learned from all this: performance-enhancing drugs are the answer. No wonder George Bush Sr. was so keen to put anti-drug propaganda in video games!
The Pac-Family returns home to find a Christmas tree loaded with presents for everyone! Even the ghost monsters! “We don’t know what to say,” says Sue, the token female ghost. “How about ‘thank you’,” says an unusually-articulate Pac-Baby. “Don’t thank us”, says Pac-Man, “thank Santa Claus.” What about thanking Jesus? I thought this holiday was in his honor.
If there’s any lesson taught from this program, it’s that Christmas begins and ends with Santa Claus. And it’s all about presents. What an appallingly hollow message! No one really learns anything about the true spirit of Christmas. This ain’t no Christmas Special. It’s a Christmas “Nothing Special.”
As Santa flies off into the night he wishes a “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good CHOMP!” Clement Clark Moore must be rolling in his grave.
Keep it locked for Part Two on Christmas Day, with He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special, ALF’s Special Christmas, and Francis Ford Coppola Presents William S. Burroughs’ “The Junky’s Christmas”!
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