Fun Time Internet · A Fun Time Fun Guide to Misguided Christmas Specials: Part Two

FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA PRESENTS WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS’ “THE JUNKY’S CHRISTMAS” (1993)

The hallucinatory drug-addled prose of William S. Burroughs meets classic Christmas claymation. This has to be the weirdest combination of genres in a TV special since The Star Wars Holiday Special. There’s three things in this title alone that defy the logic of Christmas specials—Francis Ford Coppola, William S. Burroughs, and Junky. It’d be no less insane if David Cronenberg and Chuck Palahniuk teamed up for a Holiday spectacular. Fingers crossed, it could still happen!

When I first heard about this special I thought it was an elaborate Internet prank. Like that so-called “lost” Star Trek episode, “A Most Illogical Holiday,” in which the Enterprise crew lands on a planet run by an evil Santa Claus. Let me assure you “The Junky’s Christmas” is all too real.

Airing only once (just like The Star Wars Holiday Special) on VH-1, “Junky’s Christmas” is a black & white stop-motion adaptation of Burroughs’ short story of a desperate drug addict’s quest to score a hit on Christmas Day. We witness our hero try to steal Christmas presents from an unlocked car, find a briefcase full of severed limbs then try to sell said briefcase, and question his own existence while traversing the cold and eerily empty streets of New York City. Burroughs himself narrates this tale. His craggly, mumbling, and incomprehensible slurred speech gives this program a gritty noirish sense of authenticity rarely, if ever, found in Holiday programming.

While the He-Man Holiday special was a parody of Christmas specials, “Junky’s Christmas” is a complete subversion. The cheery holiday music that plays throughout only heightens the mounting sense of sadness and isolation. The Junky’s final act of redemption falls flat. It’s more cynical than hopeful. And that’s probably the whole point. In this program the “Spirit of the Season” is merely empty prattle and wishful thinking. And I thought the ALF special was depressing!

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS

I couldn’t find copies of these but they’re just so dreadful I had to point ‘em out:

KATHIE LEE’S ROCK ‘N TOTS CAFÉ: A CHRISTMAS GIFF (1995)

Kathie Lee Gifford is insane. If you’ve ever seen her co-host “Live” with Regis Philbin or worse, or witnessed any of her abominable Christmas specials on CBS (the same network that aired The Star Wars Holiday Special!), you know that Mrs. Gifford is a self-absorbed psychopath with delusions of a musical career. In the mid-90s Kathie Lee hosted something called “Kathie Lee’s Rock ‘N Tots Café.” It’s basically her version of “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse” minus the comedic genius of Paul Reubens and basically everything else that made that show so brilliant. Instead it’s got Kathie Lee running around like one of the “Pac-Land” reindeer on a Power-Pellet high while barking orders to a bewildered group of racially diverse children who look like they’ve been kidnapped and forced to perform for her own amusement. Oh yeah, and it’s also got Duke the Juke, a talking jukebox with a porn star name.

In 1995 Gifford starred in “Kathie Lee’s Rock ‘N Tots Café: A Christmas Giff”, in which she attempts to perform a rap version of “T’was the Night Before Christmas” while hubby Frank Gifford suffers the indignity of donning a used Furry costume to play the titular “Giff.”

LARRY THE CABLE GUY’S CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR (2007)

Larry the Cable Guy is to comedy what Uwe Boll is to film. The only comedian who’s possibly less funny than Larry would be the prop “comic” Carrot Top. Well guess what? Carrot Top co-stars in this chuckle-free clusterfuck as the Ghost of Christmas Future! That’s right; Mr. Top and Mr. The Cable Guy form an unholy unfunny alliance in the name of butchering a Charles Dickens masterpiece. I’m surprised this unholy union didn’t result in the birth of the Comedy Antichrist. And I thought The Star Wars Holiday Special was bad!