For a few sweet moments yesterday, the world was enthralled by one small child on a hot air balloon misdaventure, like the plot to some kind of childrens’ movie where objects and animals that aren’t supposed to talk do so. We were glued to the CNN coverage, and transcribed some particularly interesting things the anchorman had to say. Gander up.
“… and that was a story literally for the birds. And now, a story literally for the birds! Child in a balloon!”
“If no one’s going to point out the irony of a boy named Falcon flying away, then I’m going to: it’s very ironic.”
“If there wasn’t a little kid’s life on a line, this would just be the best.”
“Breaking news: young child devours balloon and becomes UFO. Whoops, hold on, slight mix-up here. ‘Balloon child devoured by UFO’ our top story tonight.”
“Do we have any word on if he was lured into the balloon by some kind of new game system?”
“We’re about to be joined by our balloon expert, Craig Kennedy. First question, Craig: how much are we paying you to be our balloon expert?
“Now, is it possible it could have been a dog in the balloon? Because that wouldn’t matter.”
“Craig, any word on whether the boy has bird DNA, like how the Octomom was half squid? … Craig?”
“When John Denver wrote Rocky Mountain High, he certainly could not have been envisioning a terrifying scenario such as this. Wait… maybe he was!”
“If this situation doesn’t end soon, this child runs the risk of missing tonight’s edition of Larry King Live, with Yankees hit king Derek Jeter. That’s Larry King Live, 9 PM on CNN.”
“It’s times such as these that this humble newsman is glad his first-born son accidentally drowned in the tub some years ago.”
“Now on the line is our stupid hoax expert, Rex Anderson. First question, Rex: is there any chance this isn’t some stupid hoax?”
“As this hour of coverage draws to a close, the child is still high in the air, in some modern equivalent of Moses being floated down the River Nile. It may not be a simple basket of bulrushes – in fact, it’s a colossal, spaceship-shaped helium balloon. But on an afternoon filled with uncertainty, one thing is clear: finders, keepers. If he lands on your property and he’s still breathing, then he’s all yours. At least, in my America he is.” (tears up)
While it now appears to be a vile hoax, at least it’s the best kind – a vomitous hoax. We’ll remember the memories. After all, that’s what memories are for.
