Doctors Without Licenses

By F. Larry Badgood
TESTIE Award-winning author of POG War 2015 and Johnny Hitler VS The Y2KKK

We all have dreams. Some want to be astronauts, others the first Space Pope. But we often find that our own laziness and incompetence puts an end to these aspirations. (Not to mention federal and state laws. Apparently the Supreme Court considers it “unethical” to attempt to breed a race of Manimals.)

But that’s life. One day you’re a big shot POG tie-in novelist, livin’ the big shot five-hooker-a-day lifestyle. The next, your five-book contract is cancelled after book 2 (POG-Tied), just because it’s considered “lewd” and it “corrupts the moral fabric of minors”. (Whatever that means!) Then you’re left with nothin’ but unfulfilled dreams and unpaid escort service bills.

Book 3 would’ve been titled POG-Jammin’

That’s when I realized the power of dreams. Or more importantly, the power and profit I could attain by fulfilling the dreams of others. If Habitat for Humanity helps unskilled and inept volunteers realize their dream of building houses for the less fortunate, how come there isn’t a similar service for all us bungling boobs who wanna do something equally noble and foolhardy – like practice medicine? That’s the very question I asked myself one night while watching the hardcore porn Patch Adams spoof Snatch Adam’s. And lo, DOCTORS WITHOUT LICENSES (DWL) was born!

We live in a fast-paced world of instant gratification, of Twitter Tweets and e-Booty Calls. We want all the perks of success minus the hard work and responsibility. Perks like respect, the appearance of wealth and legitimacy, and most of all, a higher class of poontang. Who’s got time anymore for things like “education”, “foreplay” or “basic hygiene”? Just ask these recent DWL “volunteers”:

“Eight years of med school? That’s more schoolin’ than I’ve done in total! An’ I’m plenty edu-learn’d!”
— Marlon Coots

“Doogie Howser’s a doctor. And I’m hella smarter than that skinny little homo!”
— Mickey Elward

“Fuck all the readin’ and the studyin’. I’m just in it for the ass!”
– Helsbert Ambrose

I couldn’t have said it more articulately myself, Helsbert! That’s why I created the DWL orientation program Fuck Learnin’ (not to be mistaken with the 1997 adult film of the same name). Forget textbooks! How ‘bout a Scrubs marathon instead? That kooky janitor is just chock-a-block with worldly wisdom! No Grey’s Anatomy - it’s named after a textbook and therefore too eggheady! You’ll learn the importance of appearing doctorly. If there’s one thing I learned from Snatch Adam’s it’s that ample-chested hotties will gladly bed anyone wearing a lab coat and stethoscope! (Actual results may vary.) You’ll also have the chance to create your own cool-sounding doctor alias, like Dr. Ramwood Inner.

DWL will send you where doctors are needed the most: the Third World. Where, incidentally, patients are too poor to sue you for malpractice. Don’t worry about needing credentials. Where we’ll send you, most of the folk can barely speak English, let alone discern a real medical license from your fake one.

“I drives my car wit’out a license, shoots my guns at stray cats wit’out a license, married my six teenage wives wit’out a license. So you bets yer britches I’m a-gonna practice a-doctorin’ wit no gosh-durned license!”
– Crawford Johnson-Biggles

And the best part is that you can prescribe ANYTHING you want for ANY ailment (“Get me 50 CC’s of nachos, stat!”) or recommend any type of crazy surgery you can think of, and most of the time they’ll totally go along with it.

“I was in a bit of a Pirate Mood, and this foreign dude came in with a respiratory illness. And came out with a peg leg and a hook for a hand! Best. Spring Break. Ever!”
– Danny Caplan

“I can’t describe the feeling I got performing that surgery. Made me feel like I was really making a difference. Sure the patient died horribly. And he probably would have lived if I hadn’t done the operation. But it’s not important whether the patient lives or dies. The important thing is that I felt good about myself. And in the end, isn’t that really all that matters?”
– Andrew Stupesta

If you want the respect and the “poonami” wave of women available only to those in the medical field, send your $200 registration fee to:

DOCTORS WITHOUT LICENSES
C/O F. Larry Badgood
Opa Estates Trailer Park
Opa-Locka, FL

And don’t forget to check out my new (self-published) novel 4chan Dan Meets the Uncanny Valley Vixens!