Lackluster Video: Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)

I’ve seen some cinematic stinkers in my day. I’ve seen floating disembodied brains battle for world supremacy in The Brain from the Planet Arous. I’ve seen robots with human brains fight undead Mexicans in Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy. I’ve even seen something called Killer Condom. But I’ve never seen anything to prepare me for the surreal experience that is Death Bed: The Bed That Eats.

Yes, you read correctly. That’s the actual title to an actual film. Someone actually thought this was a worthwhile idea for a movie. That visionary man is George Barry.

Unfortunately, Barry’s horrific vision of a bed that eats people was lost for almost 30 years, having never secured theatrical distribution. It wasn’t until 2003 that the auteur’s lost “masterpiece” finally reached its bed-fearing audience to become the most long-unawaited DVD release of all time. On the DVD’s introduction Barry claims he’d completely forgotten about this film. A little hard to believe considering it’s the only credit on his IMDb page.

The man banked his entire film career on something called Death Bed: The Bed That Eats.

As you’ve already gleaned from its brilliantly explanatory title, Death Bed: The Bed That Eats is about a bed… that eats. But this ain’t no lovable talking bed à la Cherry, the lovable talking chair from “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.” This is an evil bed, the offspring of a tree demon and an innocent maiden who died the moment she laid eyes on him (moments before he laid her – ewww). The maiden’s family then placed the mysterious bed in their mansion to raise as their own. But the bed had other plans. Evil plans. People-eating plans. I swear I’m not making this up.

The film opens with the poorly recorded sound of someone loudly munching on an apple played against darkness. As the crunching gets louder we hear the additional “ominous” sounds of rhythmic thumping on hollow steel and cheesy sci-fi “laser” effects. This attempt at establishing a spooky mood is more confusing than scary and lasts well over a minute.

Right as I’m about to give up on this movie, we fade in on an old abandoned mansion. Cue a sound library thunderclap. The camera pans across an old bedroom. Cue sound library snoring noises. We pass an ominous old large bed. This is Death Bed! And it’s asleep! Death Bed: The Bed That Sleeps?

We’re then introduced to a young bland unnamed couple that, if you’ve seen any teen horror film, will unsurprisingly fall victim to the title killer within the next ten minutes. They’ve come across the mansion after hiking several miles in the woods. We know they’ve traveled a long distance because their dialogue keeps repeating this fact over and over again ad nauseum. The girl senses a great evil in this place and wants to turn back. The guy, being the true romantic that he is, pressures her into spending the night at the creepy house so he can fondle her boobs. The couple conveniently finds their way into the same room as Death Bed and start making out on it. Why the girl would be willing to make out on this icky musty bed is quite beyond me. But then again, who am I to expect believability in a movie titled Death Bed: The Bed That Eats?

The girl complains that she’s hungry. Fortunately, the guy brought along two apples, a bottle of wine and a bucket of generic fried chicken. They make out some more, completely unaware of the white soapy foam coming up from the bed and surrounding the apples.

We then get a shot of the apples dissolving INSIDE DEATH BED’S STOMACH, which looks like a cross between deep-frying oil and lemon Gatorade.

Accompanying this shot is the familiar sound effect of someone munching an apple. But how can Death Bed make munching sounds IF IT DOESN’T HAVE ANY TEETH? The half-eaten apples then return to the surface of the bed with the obvious signs of being eaten by someone with teeth.

Death Bed then gobbles down the entire bucket of chicken and chugs the whole bottle of wine in a similar fashion.

Get used to that yellow screen, you’ll be seeing a LOT more of it.

The bottle of wine and the bucket of chicken return to the surface of the bed completely unscathed, despite having been submerged in an acid-like substance.

Don’t worry kids. You’re safe. Pork away, the bed’s had its fill.

Or has it?

The couple soon discovers all their food eaten. Unconcerned, they start making out again. Then off goes the girl’s top. And on go the guy’s hands to her boobs. Then the bizarre white bubbling foam and confusing laser sounds reappear. But they’re too busy groping and being groped to notice. Then the giant old bed’s heavy curtains close in on them. Probably to represent that it’s CURTAINS FOR THEM! There’s no bad pun or sight gag that’s too taboo for a movie like Death Bed: The Bed That Eats.

And that’s when the screaming and bloodletting begins.

I may have seemed wholly dismissive of that opening sequence, but to be completely honest, it was AWESOME! It had blood. It had gratuitous nudity. It had a bed that eats people! It was exactly the kind of campy horror/humor and inept filmmaking I expect from a film with such a ludicrous title. Unfortunately, the movie then quickly veers in a completely wrong direction, from an idiotic twist on the slasher genre to a serious attempt at a supernatural thriller.

The most obvious problem is the film’s narrator, a nineteenth century artist and Death Bed victim, who for reasons unknown, was brought back from the dead by Death Bed and hidden behind a painting of Death Bed, in order to keep Death Bed company. Despite being unable to talk to anyone in the bedroom, again for reasons unknown, the Artist is somehow able to communicate only with Death Bed. The Artist fills us in on Death Bed’s origins (the tree demon and the maiden) and reflects on past Death Bed victims. The attempt to explain Death Bed strips away all the mystery and the fun of the film’s concept. We don’t care how Death Bed came to be. All we need to know is that it’s a bed that eats people. We don’t want the how or the why; we just want to see it eat clueless young people.

That said, there are some truly hilarious moments in the flashback sequences:

Death Bed: a history in spinning newspapers. Notice how the bottom byline and all the photos are the exact same in every paper!

A priest falls victim to Death Bed. The look on his face is priceless.

“If I didn’t know better I’d say this bed was tryin’ to eat me.”

Death Bed targets an old woman. And speaking of newspaper jokes…

The story proper involves three young women staying at the old mansion. Why they’re there is unimportant. All we need to know is that at least two of them are going to be eaten by the bed that eats.

The death of the first friend, Sharon, is surprisingly well handled. She decides to have a nap, while the others decide to be outside for some reason. In this scene Death Bed comes across as a pervy psycho killer as we hear it panting and drooling in anticipation while she changes into her pajamas (in a voice sounding suspiciously like the Artist). When she’s finally asleep, Death Bed violently strips her naked and uses her crucifix chain necklace as a saw to slit her throat!!! Needless to say, this is one of the most inventive on-screen deaths I’ve ever seen.

As the friends return, Death Bed eats Sharon’s suitcase to make it look like she ran away. It turns out that one of the surviving girls is somehow the key to destroying Death Bed. We know this because the narrator explicitly says so. And because Death Bed has internal bleeding every time she touches it. Good thing Sharon packed a bottle of Pepto-Bismol in her suitcase.

Later on, the brother of the last surviving girl inexplicably shows up to rescue her, only to have his hands eaten off by Death Bed. This scene features what is quite possibly the worst acting I have ever seen. Just look at the bemused look on his face.

I know he’s supposed to come off as a tough guy, but he’s having the flesh eaten right off his hands! No screams. No flinches. He could at least say “ouch!”

I’m not going to explain how Death Bed is finally defeated, as I barely understand the narrator’s explanation of it all. Let’s just say it involves teleportation, a naked zombie chick and lots and lots of fire.

This film suffers from uneven tone and pacing. The sound design is embarrassing and the acting is monotone at best. The tacked-origin story, undead narrator, and supernatural elements ruin what could have been an enjoyable and sublimely stupid parody of slasher films. If only it had just stuck to what made the first two death scenes so effective -Death Bed as an impractical and immobile pervert killer. Instead of showing us several victims over several decades, writer/director George Barry should have stuck to one group of young male and female victims à la Friday the 13^th, Halloween or pretty much ANY successful horror movie franchise. Sure that formula is cliché, but it wouldn’t be cliché if it didn’t work really, really well.

That said, I’m grateful we’ll never have to suffer through an unending string of sequels (Death Bed 2: Die, Death Bed! Die!, Death Bed 3: Death to Death Bed, Death Bed 4: The Death of Death Bed) or rip-offs (Death Toaster: The Toaster That Burns, Death Crib: The Crib That Eats Babies).

Maybe I’m looking into this too deeply. Should I really have expected greatness from something titled Death Bed: The Bed That Eats?

My Score

½ bottle of Pepto-Bismol out of 5.

But you’ll need a whole bottle to stomach this mess.

FUN FACT
The film’s worst actor is also its only actor to actually have a long-running film and TV career. Rusty Russ (now William Russ), who played the handless brother, went on to play Corey’s dad on “Boy Meets World.”