Dolemite is let out of prison. And his entourage of ho’s is there to meet him. “Damn,” declares D-Mite, “look like my women’s on time!”
The whole purpose of this scene is to show how this pimp has a “way” with the “ladies.” I’m just going to let the screenplay speak for itself:
DOLEMITE
Damn mama, you must be new to my scene. What’s yo name?
SHY
It’s ‘Shy.’ Short for ‘Chicago.’
DOLEMITE
I hope you ain’t cold like the Windy City ‘cause the way I feel now, babe, I could sho warm you up!
HO IN BONDAGE GEAR
As long as you’ve been gone, baby, you’ve got a whole lot of warmin’ up to do!
By this point, I’m not sure if I’m watching a blaxploitation film or a porno.
Then some white chick pops her head out of Dolemite’s limo, inexplicably shouting, “No shit, baby!” to which the D-Man lustily replies, “I can DIG IT!”
He’s got a token white chick in his entourage. Sorta like the token black person in most white-dominant ensemble dramas.
Then the soundtrack starts to go all bow-chicka-wow-wow as Doley’s dames strip him naked – right there in broad daylight in front of the prisoners and guards – and dress him in his more “respectable” pimp apparel. All the while he makes even more lurid remarks to his indentured bond slaves: “Baby, you can get behind me and IN FRONT of me, too! Can you DIG IT?” Dolemite (and the screenwriter) don’t seem to grasp the subtleties of the double entendre. That wasn’t a double entendre. When it’s that obvious, it’s sexual harassment.
The guards (and the audience) look on in horror as the fat (and not with a ‘ph’) pimp is stripped naked and dressed in a hideous outfit of Vanilla Ice-level peacockishness.
As soon as Dolemite gets inside the car, my questions about this film being a porno are finally laid to rest:
Why go to all the effort of dressing him if you’re just going to undress him again 30 seconds later?
The lengthy softcore sequence is interrupted when the black pimpmobile drives by a white car filled with white goons. This movie handles metaphors for racial struggles almost as well as it handles fight choreography.
Doley and his harem of hoochie mamas quickly realize they’re being tailed. He orders the car to pull over and runs out brandishing a machine gun. Then the white car catches up and we catch a glimpse of the film crew:
Even the most inept Director of Photography could have prevented this.
And when Dolemite jumps out from the bushes to gun them down, we get an even better look:
Rudy Ray Moore guns down his incompetent film crew.
After brutally torturing (and in one case, castrating) the surviving honkys, the D-Man declares, “C’mon girls, let’s make it!” But they already made it. In the car. Like a minute ago. They keep throwing sex at the screen every time they should be throwing things like plot and character development.
The next scene shows Dolemite returning home. His home appears to be a shag carpet-infested swingin’ soul boogie brothel, with lots of women in various states of undress just lounging around. But things ain’t so rosy in the Red Light District. Arch-pimp Willie Green now runs Dolemite’s strip club with an iron rhinestone-gloved fist. “Me an’ the girls hadda sell our pussy onna street cornah tryin’ to save yo black ass,” confesses Queen Bee. The image of Queen Bee selling her… ugh… Can’t get that mental picture out of my head!
Queen Bee nonchalantly drops another major logic bomb: “ Oh yeah, by the way, when you was doin’ yo time, I put yo girls through karate school. And they gooooood, too!”
The expression on her face when she utters that line is priceless! It’s as if she flubbed her line, improvised all the nonsense about karate, and the filmmakers just tried to work the film around it.
Queen Bee recounts a recent instance when one of her girls had to use her Whore-fu on a john. Uh-oh, it’s flashback time again! And guess what, no wavy fade out transition! Consistency. That’s what separates the professional from the amateur. The only thing this film’s cast and crew do consistently is fail!
Here’s some choice dialogue from this flashback scene:
HO
Wha happen to my hunnerd dollah, Joe? [N-word], didjah take mah money?
JOE
That’s right, lil’ bitch. I took it back. You ain’t worth no hunnerd dollah. I’m Joe Blow, da Lover Man! You should be payin’ me!… Here’s two dollah. Get yo’self some douche powder, be clean fo me next time.
Oh, snap! And how does she react to this affront?
She kicks his ass. Literally.
That’s all she does, give him a weak-looking kick in the patootie. And that’s supposed to make her look like a fearsome martial arts vixen? This is by far the worst martial arts scene in the whole movie. And that’s saying a lot. At least it in the other fight scenes it looks like they tried (tried and failed miserably, but tried nonetheless).
“You’re pretty good, yo’self,” Queen Bee says to Doley as we exit the flashback. “I think I need mine brushed up a little,” winks Dolemite. Dear God, please don’t let this lead to a Dolemite-on-Queen Bee sex scene!
Two or three sleazy sex scenes later, the D-Man’s Caddy be pulled over by the Po Po. Conveniently enough, the two officers in the cruiser just happen to be two of the officers that took part in Doley’s wrongful arrest two years ago.
Being the supreme badass (according to himself) that he is, Dolemite tries to convince them not to arrest him. How? Through the power of Rhyme:
“Man move over an’ let me pass
Or they’ll hafta be pullin’ deeze Hush Puppies out yo mutha-FUCKIN’ ass!”
Dem cracker cops just got SERVED! Even the Boom Mic Operator is caught off guard by the power of D-Mite’s valiant verse:
A competent director would order another take when equipment is visible in a shot.
“Awww, FUCK,” wails Dolemite, “I ain’t done nuthin’ wrong!” Besides butcher the English language and threaten bodily harm on two officers?
The pigs search Doley’s car, planting drugs inside so they can arrest him. There’s a lot of tough talk between D-Mite and the Fuzz. I couldn’t follow any of it ‘cause I was too distracted by the Boom Mic.
“Look, Dwayne, I know your arm’s getting’ sore holdin’ that mic over their heads. Lets just try holdin’ it below. You know, for the close-up shots.”
“How do you fuck that up?! I don’t care if you’re Rudy Ray’s cousin, let’s not have no mo’ fuck-ups, Dwayne!”
“Dwayne, you’re fired!”
Then for some reason, the white cops start beating on Dolemite. What happened to all the Pimp-fu?
Turns out the Brothah be playin’ possum. When the cops turn to walk away—BAM!—he literally gets the drop on them.
‘Cause, you know, it’s way brave to attack someone when his back is turned.
Notice how his foot completely misses when he “kicks” the cop in the face.
Dolemite then takes the cocaine baggie and dumps it all over the douchebag cops. But he’s not done yet. I sense another tongue-lashing:
“Dat’s fo fuckin’ wit me, you no-business, born-insecure mutha-FUCKAHS!”
I’m pretty sure he already used that line on these cops when they arrested him two years ago. Doley, you need some new material!
This reviewer is the most lowdown, disgusting, no business having,insecure motherfucker to ever live; writing such a damn fool review.