This article brought to you by DANCE FLICK, starring the Wayans Family, in theatres this Friday. Watch exclusive trailers at thedanceflick.com.
Alright, folks, lots of room so grab a seat. Anywhere in the first three rows should be fine. Settle in, guys. Thank you for meeting me here at Mr. Van Horne’s Watchin’-plex for this emergency town council session. A quick look around should tell you why I’ve assembled you tonight. This movie theatre is no longer up to code, dangerously so. And with the new film Dance Flick hitting theatres only two days from now, we stand to face a veritable uprising if our Opa-Lockians aren’t able to watch this film. I need ideas and I need them now. Let’s start knockin’ gourds.
What makes Dance Flick “so gul-gurned special”, Eudora? I wouldn’t expect a nonagenarian such as yourself to truly appreciate the work of the Wayans Family. But your cantankerous nature is why you’ve been a member of this board for sixty-seven years. See, the silver screen pundits are predicting that this latest spoof from Hollywood’s funniest clan is going to shatter every box office record – and that includes “most sides split”.
But if the faithful citizenry come here on Friday – that’s Friday, May 22, when it opens across the nation – and the crumbling plaster or poor sound quality ruins their experience, no one will be laughing. Remember, we’re trying to reduce the number of riots we have in this town, and there’s already been two this year.
This article brought to you by DANCE FLICK, starring the Wayans Family, in theatres this Friday. Get tickets and showtimes at thedanceflick.com.
The Watchin’-plex’s audiences are not the most refined, and when a movie doesn’t meet their standards, they show it. I mean, look at the screen. It’s had so many handfuls of feces thrown at it that every movie now plays in sepia-tone.
It really happens far too often to be justified in any context. I was more surprised than anyone in 1998 when Life is Beautiful got the infamous “Opa-Locka Shitshower”. But, people hate what they hate.
I also want you all to see the picture quality too. Merle, hoof it up to the back room and throw on the reel I left there. North By Northwest. Hitchcock. Magnificent. You’ll see how washed out the color –
Merle, that is not the movie I asked you to play. That is “Bumfights”. I’m not sure how or where you got it transferred to a film reel, but what a supreme waste of your money and our time.
Please shut that off. It’s disturbing Eudora.
This article brought to you by DANCE FLICK, starring the Wayans Family, in theatres this Friday. Download Marlon Wayans desktop wallpapers at thedanceflick.com.
Come on, folks, don’t be afraid to spitball. This is important. For God’s sakes, it stars Damon Wayan’s son! We’re witnessing a passing of the torch here.
Tyson, bringing the town to your ranch to watch the movie on your 60″ inch plasma screen would be an option. If you owned one. And if it weren’t just a ploy to find a mate for your three sickly, bed-ridden daughters. I told you, put them onto the Internet dating sites. My son did, and he’s currently dating a very nice albino girl.
Merle, I don’t know where you got that bucket of popcorn, but I know for a fact the popper in this theatre hasn’t been in working order for at least two decades, so I’m guessing the butter has long turned. And the mere fact that you’re washing it down with Coke II should show you how old that is. You’re going to die.
The chandelier dangling above our heads like the Sword of Damacles bothers me too. I’m sure Mr. Van Horne thought it would class up the place when he hung it in the seventies, but it doesn’t take a close inspection to see it’s only hanging by one stud, and the next time a van drives by I’m pretty positive it’s going to skewer us like ke-bobs.
This article brought to you by DANCE FLICK, starring the Wayans Family, in theatres this Friday. Play the “Out-Breakdance the Baby” Flash game at thedanceflick.com.
Well, fine. I’m tapping out. Perhaps it’s time that we rouse the riot squad from their slumber. And by riot squad, I of course mean the steroid-charged varsity football team that we arm with shields and batons in events such as these. They’re the best chance we’ve got at saving the town from being reduced to ashes, and they definitely don’t mind busting a skull or two.
Sure, Merle, since we’re poised to lapse into anarchy once more, you might as well pick a fight with that “uppity prick” from the Opa-Locka Planetarium who always gives you hell for parking your pickup on the lawn. It’s not like he’ll be missed. That place hasn’t had a visitor since the government commandeered it to house Katrina victims.
Just one second. Merle, you may have, once again, against your best efforts, provided a solution. That Planetarium has a high-quality projector that just needs the Windex treatment, and a spotless ceiling to light up. It’ll be like IMAX! Thanks to anemic patronage, that place is as pristine as when we built it in the eighties. For once, our aversion to the sciences has helped us, instead of setting us back evolutionarily.
Instead of an evening underneath the stars, our fine citizens will enjoy an evening underneath comedy’s brightest stars! Someone start typing up a brochure. And Merle, thank you. I – what have you got there? Something for me? Well –
Merle, please save the Opa-Locka Shitshower for the movie. This is a new shirt.