Did you know that you can volunteer to reply to kids’ letters to Santa Claus? That’s a fact I didn’t make up. I’m a pretty charitable guy (I usually give more than I take from the Salvation Army’s Christmas Take-A-Twenty-Leave-A-Twenty), so I decided to part with a few stamps and help out.
Dear Jessica,
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, and thank you for your letter! You are definitely on the “nice” list, and your Twilight New Moon Barbie is already in the sleigh, ready to be delivered. But wouldn’t you rather have Mad Men Season 3 on DVD? God, that show is so good. The JFK episode! I’m on my second watch-through. The writers just burn the whole thing to the ground at the end of every season. Now that’s balls. And I thought the television drama was dead.
Be nice and not naughty,
Santa Claus
Dear Tim,
Thank you for your letter, and drawing – you’re a wonderful artist! Santa is coming soon. I wish I could visit your house on Christmas Eve. But I can’t deliver presents to the entire world in one night anymore since the reindeer unionized. That Blitzen’s a real ball-breaker at the negotiating table. Look for us on January 7th or 8th!
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
Dear Manny,
Thank you for writing to me! The elves and I are still working hard to make you your X-Box 360 video game. Unfortunately, all is not well in Santa’s Workshop. I had to let a guy go today. It’s a shame, but he was stealing, and if you don’t crack down on these kinds of things, it sets a bad example. He’d been working here for 200 years…
Ho ho ho,
Santa Claus
Dear Jamie,
Merry Christmas, and thank you for your letter! I can’t wait to visit your house in Windsor this holiday season. But please don’t leave out milk and cookies for me. Over the summer, I found out that I have diabetes. In fact, Santa’s doctor told him that if he doesn’t help his blood-sugar under control, he’s going to have to cut off a toe. That’s something they do, apparently. Feel free to leave me half a grapefruit.
Christmas,
Santa Claus
Dear Cynthia,
Thank you for your letter inquiring about the upcoming holiday season. Unfortunately, as of December 10th, I will no longer be affiliated with Santa’s Workshop. It’s been a great run, but I’m looking forward to spending more time with my family. I will forward your letter on to my successor, Greg Woolley, at Greg Woolley’s Workshop.
Regards,
Santa Claus
