Those of you with your finger on the fun-pulse should be aware that every year I compile an album of Christmas music with my friends, and toss the whole shebang online for free. This year was no different – you can bounce on over to JuiceboxDotCom to check out the result. But let’s peek behind the veil for a moment, and see what kind of tough decisions go into the Christmas Album. Due to the open-submission nature of the project, you’d be surprised what kind of gems land in my inbox. Two of these gems have never seen the light of day… until now.
We present to our faithful readership a peek at the best and worst of the tracks that didn’t make the cut for this year’s album. Keep in mind, I say “best and worst” without any real commitment. I’m not saying which one is the best, and I’m not saying which one is the worst. I’m not going to clarify whether I actually meant worst and worst. How do you make a wink-face in html code? Or is it php? Ah, fuck it. Here are the cut tracks from this year’s Christmas Album.
1. Merry Fartmas – Kris Haig-Brown
You might remember this chap from our failed Fun Time Records launch last year. Things were all going smoothly around the release of his debut album Stuttgart State of Mind, until the Jewish Defence League started lobbying for the abolition of Fun Time Records and the exclusion of all current and future releases from our exclusive deal with the Opa-Locka Best Buy. We really should have read his liner notes before we sent them off to the presses. Who knew a song like “Hatdaddy Stole My Women” could have such hateful overtones?
KHB decided to take things a little less seriously for his big comeback, and thus was born the holiday romp “Merry Fartmas”. This track really showcases Kris Haig-Brown’s talent as a one-man band. He told me he recorded the whole thing in just one take with three microphones. One for vocals, one for guitar, and one for… oh, god. That’s gross. CUT IT!
2. Do You Hear What I Hear? – The BabeBeaner Experience
If you’re a Fun Time Fanboy (or our only confirmed Fun Time Fangirl – I’m looking at you, Mrs. Swidersky!), you might recognize these voices from our long-running webradio show Shut Up and Listen: Nights. The Babester is known for his hagglin’ but who knew he could croon? On this track, he’s joined by our resident soprano Eric Bobeaner, long-time producer of SUAL: Nights and one-time rapist. It looked like this holiday banger had secured its spot on the track-listing, until I got a letter from the legal department at Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines. It read as follows:
Dear Mr. Zorgel,
We understand that you and one Mr. Eric Bobeaner are engaged in a recording project. Please be advised that the RCC Lines have an exclusive life-spanning performance contract with Eric Bobeaner that he signed last year in exchange for some pineapple and ham.
Please cease and desist any and all creative interactions with Bobeaner, and if you see him, please tell him that they really need that Pocahontas costume back.
On behalf of the Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines
Rather than accept this fate, and have this gem dwell in obscurity, I thought I’d push the limits and host the track here. Roderick Greene, if you’re reading this, I won’t take it down unless you make me a healthy offering of pineapple and ham. The always entrepreneurial Babe Sheckler didn’t let this setback stunt his quest for fame. He managed to submit a few audio clips that did make the final cut of the album.
And that’s that, folkies. Another year, another hour of Christmas drivel crunched out into the world.
Merry Christmas Everyone!