You may recall that as part of last year’s Giftoberfest, we launched a Comments Commtest to celebrate adding interactivity to our fold. There was a small but noticeable response, one that I’ll attribute to our brief rebranding as a crooked poker site. But, once the chips had settled and the money had been returned to the appropriate parties, it was time to award a Fun Time Fun Pack to its winner!
That person was one Brent Wilson who, ironically/intentionally, was chosen for a comment in which he stated his wish not to be involved in the contest. If wishes were fishes, Brent, I’d ride a beggar into the sea! Or something. Regardless, the Fun Time Internet Prize Patrol was on the case.
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Subject: Congratulations!
From: prizepatrol@funtimeinternet.com
To: xxxxxx@gmail.com
Hello, “Brent”!
Congratulations are in order, because for your comment on Fun Time Internet.com, you have been randomly selected to receive the first Fun Time Fun Pack!
Please provide your mailing address in a reply to this email, and we’ll send the prize pack your way, and provide you with a tracking number.
Thank You, and Hoot-A-Toot,
The Fun Time Internet Prize Patrol
Disclaimer: The Fun Time Fun Pack cannot be delivered to Hawaii or Alaska. The Fun Time Fun Pack was not assembled in a nut-free environment. The Fun Time Fun Pack contains elements that may be harmful to infants. The Fun Time Fun Pack must be frozen and hit with a hammer to be opened, like a lock. The Fun Time Fun Pack may arrive entirely filled with mulch.
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He replied with his work address (I don’t blame him for not telling us where he lives) and with little time to work with, we set forth to provide a variety of media that would blow his ass apart. Including:
A Fun Time Datastik™, containing high-quality versions of some of our skitches and skets, as well as sensitive internal payroll information!
2001’s Knight Club, starring Lou Diamond Phillips and Lochlyn Munro. A high-intensity drama about L.A.’s underground bouncing scene, it was hailed by critics as… well, I couldn’t find any reviews, largely due to its Direct-to-Obscurity release. But this is one of those movies – nay, works – that’s too good to be remembered.
Alexander Mogilny hockey cards! No explanation necessary.
Salt. It sure beats pepper!
An old slice of pizza. Because we here are always far too polite to scarf the last piece. Two birds, one slice!
An assortment of beads. Now every Gras can be Mardi Gras! And just in case you get the right lady to Go Wild, and things progress –
E-Baseball, a book that promises to show you how to “mine the Internet for history, stats, fantasy leagues, and memorabilia”, from the SAMS Teach Yourself Today line of products. Though originally published in April of 2000, I’m sure it still holds up.
And its perfect companion, Amazing Anything Goes Sports Bloopers on VHS. ESPN and Sports Illustrated put their Wonder Twins rings together, and this is what they came up with. And with promises of “BIFF!”, the only loser is the guy at 22:18 who falls off his surfboard and is rendered a quadriplegic. A “gnarly” “bail” indeed!
With FedEx out of our price range as a delivery option (economy recession downturn crisis) we turned to TedEx, our dirt-cheap shipping alternative, whose owner and sole employee is an out-of-work HVAC guy named Ted who delivers all packages on foot. Eagle-eyed readers will notice that in the TedEx logo, there’s some salacious hidden imagery! You gotta look close though.
The football was picked up from our offices to be hand-delivered to Brent at work. But after more than a week of the package having been confirmed as arrived, we had yet to hear from the winner. Confusion ran rampant. Did we incur Brent’s anger? Had Ted simply thrown it in a dumpster? Should we have used stamps?
You’ll have to wait for Part 2 to find out. But until then, comment away jealously. There’s more salt where that came from.
The Legend of the Fun Time Fun Pack (Pt. 1)
That person was one Brent Wilson who, ironically/intentionally, was chosen for a comment in which he stated his wish not to be involved in the contest. If wishes were fishes, Brent, I’d ride a beggar into the sea! Or something. Regardless, the Fun Time Internet Prize Patrol was on the case.
-
Subject: Congratulations!
From: prizepatrol@funtimeinternet.com
To: xxxxxx@gmail.com
Hello, “Brent”!
Congratulations are in order, because for your comment on Fun Time Internet.com, you have been randomly selected to receive the first Fun Time Fun Pack!
Please provide your mailing address in a reply to this email, and we’ll send the prize pack your way, and provide you with a tracking number.
Thank You, and Hoot-A-Toot,
The Fun Time Internet Prize Patrol
Disclaimer: The Fun Time Fun Pack cannot be delivered to Hawaii or Alaska. The Fun Time Fun Pack was not assembled in a nut-free environment. The Fun Time Fun Pack contains elements that may be harmful to infants. The Fun Time Fun Pack must be frozen and hit with a hammer to be opened, like a lock. The Fun Time Fun Pack may arrive entirely filled with mulch.
-
He replied with his work address (I don’t blame him for not telling us where he lives) and with little time to work with, we set forth to provide a variety of media that would blow his ass apart. Including:
A Fun Time Datastik™, containing high-quality versions of some of our skitches and skets, as well as sensitive internal payroll information!
2001’s Knight Club, starring Lou Diamond Phillips and Lochlyn Munro. A high-intensity drama about L.A.’s underground bouncing scene, it was hailed by critics as… well, I couldn’t find any reviews, largely due to its Direct-to-Obscurity release. But this is one of those movies – nay, works – that’s too good to be remembered.
Alexander Mogilny hockey cards! No explanation necessary.
Salt. It sure beats pepper!
An old slice of pizza. Because we here are always far too polite to scarf the last piece. Two birds, one slice!
An assortment of beads. Now every Gras can be Mardi Gras! And just in case you get the right lady to Go Wild, and things progress –
E-Baseball, a book that promises to show you how to “mine the Internet for history, stats, fantasy leagues, and memorabilia”, from the SAMS Teach Yourself Today line of products. Though originally published in April of 2000, I’m sure it still holds up.
And its perfect companion, Amazing Anything Goes Sports Bloopers on VHS. ESPN and Sports Illustrated put their Wonder Twins rings together, and this is what they came up with. And with promises of “BIFF!”, the only loser is the guy at 22:18 who falls off his surfboard and is rendered a quadriplegic. A “gnarly” “bail” indeed!
The football was picked up from our offices to be hand-delivered to Brent at work. But after more than a week of the package having been confirmed as arrived, we had yet to hear from the winner. Confusion ran rampant. Did we incur Brent’s anger? Had Ted simply thrown it in a dumpster? Should we have used stamps?
You’ll have to wait for Part 2 to find out. But until then, comment away jealously. There’s more salt where that came from.