Hustle up a minute, boys! Now I know these past few weeks have been rough, what with us getting our butts kicked game after game. I thought we’d at least have a chance at beating the Summeridge School for Deaf-Mutes Wolverines, but man, their freaky wild screechings really rattled us. Good on you though, Jenkins, at least you had the stones to kick that big one. Not like he’s gonna snitch on you!
Hustle up, guys. Now we may be the laughing stock of the whole division right now, but are we gonna let that get us down? No! We’ve got one last shot at glory – well, we have one last shot to win a game before the season’s over – and we’re gonna make it happen. And to that end, it’s time I introduced you to our secret weapon.
Hustle up for just a second, boys. Last night I couldn’t sleep; kinda hard with all the parents in this town blowin’ up my phone with their death threats. That’s what the one guy said anyway, he was literally going to blow up my phone. God, Bittner, tell your dad to get a life, that guy cares waaay too much about bantam hockey. And Donaldson, tell your Aunt Elda that I’m doing the best I can, and no amount of her special “packages” in the mail is gonna get me to quit!
Anyway, I’m sittin’ there watching HBO Family in nothin’ but my birthday suit – life’s been sweet ever since Mrs. Zimmerman went off to stay at Funk’s dad’s house. Say hi to her for me, Funk, and ask her when she wants the keys back to the hot rod. She’ll understand. And what should pop on but a little masterpiece called Air Bud. Now this gem of a flick set your coach’s mind ablaze! If that basketball team could win just by adding a freakin’ dog to the roster, then I figure the Opa-Locka High Alpacas can go one better!
Alan, bring ‘im in!
Meet your new ringer, boys! Impressive, eh? Hustle up for just another minute, dudes, and take a look-see. He’s a fluid skater for something that has no idea what’s going on. You wouldn’t believe the strings I had to pull at the zoo. Or the electrified walls I had to ram with my horse trailer. You wouldn’t believe those either. Hurstwood, where are you going? Come on back, don’t be scared! This big guy right here has been expertly trained by me, in my garage, for the past three days! He’s no danger to any – oop, he, uh, he took Hurstwood’s head off.
Well, at least I know you boys can keep a secret. Remember Montreal? Ha ha, I thought Macdonald was never gonna come down off that salvia trip. Taylor, be a real dude and hand me that tranq gun. And… huagh! He’s down. He really put a dent in the ice, didn’t he? Ah, the zamboni can even that out.
Okay, guys, hustle up and let’s talk strategy. Now, it’s simple. Stay out of the ringer’s way. He’s gonna handle all the other team’s goons. That reminds me, Boucher – did you get that thing done? You remember… God, do I have to do everything? All right, fine, I’ll sneak into the other team’s dressing room and slather their uniforms in rancid salmon juice. Other than that, guys, have fun out there! And whenever possible, try not to look like fish out there.
Whoop, looks like our ringer is coming around. Careful, he gets real cranky in the morning! Look out, Boucher – ah, well, only takes one arm to hold a stick! Um, I think we’ll put Gregson on the top line this game. Skate it off, Boucher.
Hustle up, gents. Our time is now, and with our new teammate, the sky’s the limit. Think about it: this time next year we could be sitting pretty, right at the top of Florida State Bantam Hockey standings. Now let’s get out there, and show these Summeridge losers how people with the power of hearing and speech get it done! Go! Go!
Oh yeah, that bear is gonna murder those freaky fucked-up half-kids.
Boucher, I said don’t look like a fish – oh, well, he’s dead.