It pains me to write this letter, but I fear I no longer have any choice in the matter. I simply cannot stand idly by while our guild is destroyed by certain members’… INDISCRETIONS. I won’t name names, but the guilty parties know who you are. It is my hope that this missive will help turn our noble guild from the shameful path it has started down.
Suffice it to say, when I started this LARPing group, I had high hopes. The highest, in fact. No longer would I be openly mocked and treated like an underling of the Dread Lich Necrophaggrost. No longer would I cower like a peasant whenever the free period bell would ring, day after interminable day. No, I was destined for better things! I knew we LARPers were not to be mocked for our differences!
I knew, even then, that if we could only organize, the Greater Opa-Locka LARPing community (OPA-LARPA) would become a force to be reckoned with, on par with the Azure Knights of Cetheria, or even Biff Bronson’s gang of marauding urban toughs. It wasn’t easy, convincing those fools from the Questlandia group to join us, but my knack for diplomacy was an invaluable tool. And I was right, my brothers. For a time we knew such a golden age, the gods themselves wouldst have thought themselves atop Olympus.
But, my brothers, we grew complacent in our strength. What once would have been grounds for exile became routine. I can still remember the time Mort brought that girl to our town hall meeting! Surely he did not think this blasphemy through, as the meeting rapidly dissolved into boasts of battle prowess, bewildered protests, and defiant pants-wetting.
And then there was the time Kyle’s mom bought him a PS3 and what can only be called a MUTINY was the result when I LIGHTLY SUGGESTED that the Xbox 360 was the superior console. I don’t care what you plebians actually believe, when your Guildmaster expresses an opinion, you better frigging get ready to agree, or find yourself face to face with a level 18 Cave Jelly!
When I run a LARP, my brothers, I do not wish to see an Elf of Valandriel TEXTING on his BlueBerry, EVEN is that BlueBerry is modded to resemble the royal star-fruit of the Valandriel Queen. I do not wish to see someone who CLEARLY does not deserve the honor of roleplaying a Lizardman CONVERSING IN THEIR OUT-OF-CHARACTER VOICE to some Frisbee-obsessed collegiate Neanderthal WHILE A MAJOR POLITICAL STRUGGLE is taking place in the Capital (the old swingset by the creek – or don’t you traitors remember?!).
But the straw that broke the griffin’s back really came when Josh suggested that things might have been better under King Kyle of Questlandia! What the everloving heck, mister?! Do you have no mind for history?! Do you not remember the Dark Ages when we LARPers were being mocked left and right, and swirlied up and down!? No, say I, King Kyle is happy working the night shift at the SaversMart, and there in shameful exile he shall remain.
At the end of the day, my fellow LARPers, I work hard – harder then you know – to create a cohesive world of adventure and magic. The fact that you simpletons cannot commit yourselves fully to my vision besaddens my heart, and besmirches not only the honour of the guild, but LARPing itself.
This Saturday, if it doesn’t rain, we will embark on the second chapter of my grand plan for OPA-LARPA, which will serve to separate the wheat from the chaff within our ranks. We will assemble not behind the elementary school, but behind the HIGH school. Verrily, Joe Rogan Secondary. And even if their championship ball hockey team is holding practice on the blacktop, we WILL complete the Battle of Ungoroth, which was abandoned last weekend when those guys threw yogurts at us.
This time, there will be no retreat. This time, we will proudly hold our foam aloft and stand our ground. And those who don’t may consider their membership terminated, as well as their account on the vBulletin message board.
Now, who wants Denny’s?