“Day in and day out often for 10+ hours a day (except school), I played the Atari and future console systems that came out. This severe addiction to video games led to at least half of my many mental problems… [Now,] only the dream of making my own games and listening to video game music are the only things that remain strong with video games. I still occasionally play them, but almost always classics.”
“For pizzas, use 4 or more unfolded napkins (more especially early on) to cover a large area of nearly equal thickness. Repeat until hardly anything is visible on the top napkin. Reduce the napkin usage to save napkins until nothing shows up on the top and keep continuing until you’re down to one napkin. This is the fastest way to degrease something and the best as well as it’ll absorb even more than doing one napkin at a time.”
Genius. Visionary. And now, published author. No, I’m not talking about “Diff’rent Strokes” actor/rascal Todd Bridges. I’m referring to famed internet personality Ulillillia! If the name doesn’t sound familiar, then you’re probably what we internet-dwellers call “normals” or “people with functioning social lives”. Nevertheless, if you haven’t heard of the man, never fear! Fun Time Internet is here to get you up to speed, so you won’t be left out of the loop at your next LAN party or anime convention.
Where to Start: 5 Secrets of Level 2 in Bubsy 3D video
This was my introduction and near-instant conversion to the cult of Uli. A hypnotic 8 minutes and 44 seconds of pure genius, Uli shows us how to look past the bad graphics and tedious gameplay of this fucking awful game, while at the same time thrilling viewers with never-before-discovered secrets and glitches. It’s the perfect introduction to the man’s personality as well, as you get some quick throwaway comments that exemplify the man’s psyche.
Example: (adopts monotone drawl) “Did you know that, two weeks before I discovered the bug with the fan, I had a dream that featured a strikingly similar view to the orange top mountains yet to come in the video? … And here is that view.”
If that video piqued your interest – and let’s be honest, there’s not a man alive that doesn’t consider almost 9 minutes of uncovering glitches in a terrible, forgotten game from 1997 interesting – there’s a literal cornucopia of undiagnosed mental problems in video form on YouTube for you to peruse. Marvel as the Ul-Man spends hundreds of hours grinding for stats in ridiculously un-fun games like Final Fantasy XII and Disgaea. When you’re ready to move on, there’s tons more info about him on his Encyclopedia Dramatica page, or his own personal website, Ulillillia City, which conclusively disproves the myth that a man can’t write literally over a million words about himself.
Essential Uli Terms
Degreasing Pizza: Uli’s method of healthifying greasy, fattening pizza: by soaking up the grease with paper napkins, then eating the now 100% healthy slice. Uh huh.
Mud Dreams: Recurring dreams about large to vast quantities of mud. Uli finds these dreams pleasurable and, really, who wouldn’t?
The Mind Game: an imaginary video game Uli plays daily in his own mind, where he routinely soars through the skies and scales Kilimanjaro-esque mountains in mere seconds! Or in the words of the man himself: “It takes a day or two to climb a mountain 6900 feet high, but in my mind game, with the use of the float run and numerous other special abilities, it takes under a minute.” (!)
Recently, Ulillillia completed and published his first novel, “The Legend of the 10 Elemental Masters”. Yes, in this case “published” may mean “you can, if stricken by some kind of judgment-inhibiting aneurysm, purchase this thing at vanity-press site Lulu.com” , but hey, show of hands: how many of you out there have written a novel? That many, huh? Well, how many of your novels write out the hexadecimal code for every specific colour mentioned, are written in some kind of nigh-indecipherable screenplay format, and feature godlike characters directly inspired by Japanese role-playing games? Just you and Uli, eh, Ernie?
We at Fun Time will be doing the world an incredible service by doing a weekly book report about this literary masterpiece. Hold onto your hats, kids, as we bravely plunge headfirst into the mind of this generation’s Tolstoy, if Tolstoy spent hundreds of hours increasing his stats in Disgaea: Hour of Darkness.
The Legend of the 10 Elemental Masters, Chapter 1
Right off the bat, we’re introduced to our protagonist, the super-being and all around good dude Knuckles, as he effortlessly glides along at 800 mph, above “Highway 83”. What does this ubermensch look like? According to Uli, Knuckles seems to resemble some kind of Deviantart user’s fever dream:
Three-quarter-inch-thick dark-violet-colored (FFA000E0) fur covers his entire body. He is only 25 1/3 inches tall, 4 inches wide, and 2.5 inches deep. Knuckles gets his name from his large hands, 40% bigger than a human his size would have. A reflective, glittery, greenish (FFA0FF00) haze a half millimeter across borders his pupil. Knuckles has no nose and a mouth 2/3 as big. Every other aspect of his is that of what a human would have for his size. For details on the numerical colors (in parenthesis), see Appendix 5.
After noting that “he has almost no emotions, so his voice is often quite monotonous” (hmm, sounds kind of familiar), Knuckles agreeably introduces himself to the reader, in screenplay dialogue format:
Hi. I’m Knuckles. That’s me you see gliding at 800 m-p-h… I’m from Korona, not Earth, though I’ve been on Earth for almost three Earth years. I’m 314 Earth years old and thanks to spells and special abilities, I can live almost indefinitely.
Sounds like your classic flawed hero! Knuckles then goes on to how he came to Earth because he sensed something bad would occur “about 55 hours from now”. This begs the question of what he’s been doing the past 314 years, but Uli explains that Knuckles has been sensing “intermediate events” beforehand. With his godlike powers and ability to sense evil events, I’m hoping Knuckles has a whopper of an excuse for not stopping the Holocaust or the “Two and a Half Men” pitch meeting. Anyway, Knuckles glides to the top of an Air Force BX building, where he witnesses an escaped convict attempt to hijack a car. We get an introduction to Elemental Master’s spellcasting system:
The escapee arrives and attempts to hijack the car by opening the driver’s door. Knuckles casts ‘glue4’ on him, a spell with no effects, of which prevents the escapee from changing his position. A gray ‘4 immobilized’ pops out bouncing like a ball three times. These popups very closely resemble that of the Tahoma font at font size 160 in bold face, but 90% as wide extending half an inch back.
Now, you could argue that preventing someone from changing their position could conceivably be considered an “effect”, but eh, we’re already talking about a purple fur creature with magical powers who has enormous hands for some reason, so I’m not gonna nitpick. Anyway, Knuckles teleports the convict back to prison and after a Bond-worthy bon mot –
That was effortless.
– returns to gliding along Highway 83 and all is right with the world… for now.
Whew, what a ride! A strange, bewildering ride, much like watching six consecutive episodes of “Two and a Half Men” in one painful, lonely afternoon. Join us next week as we examine the next chapters of Uli’s manifesto, delve a bit deeper into the psyche of this bewitching internet celebrity, and hopefully don’t perish in a grease fire or freak explosion. As Knuckles himself would say, though, those are:
Minor events, easily sensed.
So be like Knuckles, dudes, and I’ll see you soon.
Disclaimer: In no way is this series of articles meant to disparage or mock Ulillillia, possibly the last man in this crazy world whose outlook on life makes any sense. Also, even though we’ll be journeying though Elemental Masters in its entirety, you should still purchase this tome for the ages at fine retailer Lulu.com.