March 10th, 2010
How’s your dangler? J.R. “Red” Yellow here, your old International Caucasian Basketball Association Commish. Remember that whole sticky pinecone? Some of y’all team owners will, if only ‘cause we all lost millions of dollars on it, and some of y’all won’t, ‘cause y’all are dead. In eitha event, look who’s back wit’ a brand new rap! Pardon me for dustin’ off the ol’ league lettahead. It’s the only thing I got layin’ around my Sacramento apartment that’s fit for scribblin’ on, save for a fat pile a’ overdue bills and a Jehovah’s Witness publication I been usin’ as toilet paper.
I suppose y’all are wonderin’ what I been up to the last fourteen years. Well, I had an ill-fated stint as a cult leada. I was a male prostitute for exactly ten months. An’ in January of this year, I was a featured entrepreneur on that TV program Shark Tank, ‘fore I got kicked off for throwin’ things at the Sharks. At least I taught ‘em you don’t mess with Texas!
Other’n’ that, I just been doin’ a whole lot of ramblin’ from town to town and a whole lot of ridin’ my race horse Sassafras Tea. The ol’ girl recently passed on to God’s Heaven, likely due to the fact that it was Sassafras Tea I was doin’ the entirety of the ramblin’ on. My pockets might be lighter these days but your pal J.R. still clocks in at 330 pounds of hot love!
I’m gonna quit beatin’ on this here bush and get to the sweet and juicy: Red needs money. And I come to you not with my hands held out, but with my fat gourd wide open and the ideas flyin’ out like Ghostbusters ghosts. If I want my dollas back, I know I gotta get back to my bread an’ butta, which is thinkin’ up sports leagues! So if any y’all got money that needs investin’, I want you to consider the followin’ proposals.
International Mexican Basketball Association
Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, babies! I know we been down this road before, but I think I ironed out all the kinks. Our Mexicano friends to the south work cheap, don’t bitch, and take every tongue-lashin’ with the same confused smile on they face. And with a steady stream of new All Stars pourin’ over the border every damn day, we ain’t gonna have a problem with the players unionizin’!
Not ticklin’ your crank? How ‘bout:
Ultimate Dogfighting Championship
Cause of the liberal medias, the noble sport of dogfightin’ is now looked down upon in this country. That’s a goddamn shame. I had to sell my two-acre pit outta fear of public scrutinizin’, and now it’s a Dave and Buster’s. Anywho, you gotta give the people what they want. So in the UDC, it’s gonna be man vs. beast: dog owners against the dogs they made fight! It’s payback time, y’all. And real bloody.
Aussie Rules Lingerie Football League
You heard of these sexy ladies who strap on they bustiers and play a namby-pamby version of pigskin, right? Well that never really tickled ol’ Red. I like my women rough and tumble! Hell, I met my ex-wife Marjorie Johnson-Yellow when she was bustin’ skulls down at the roller derby, and she wasn’t even on any of the teams! That’s why we gotta up the Aunt Bee by switchin’ to Aussie Rules. To me, ain’t nothin’ sexier than a pretty lady with cracked ribs and a Grade 2 concussion. And as we all know, this economy is built on perverts makin’ stuff for other perverts. Invest in m’league!
Major League Crab Soccer
This one’s a bit of a thinka, but wouldn’t you rather see all these frou frou European players chasin’ after the ball while they was crawlin’ around like a crab? And I ain’t married to this little deal-sweetener, but: how would y’all feel about sickin’ dogs on the players too?
Folks, it’s been a while since we gave the world somethin’ to chatter about. It’s also been a while since I ate somethin’ that wasn’t from a box of expired hamburgers I found under an overpass. So ‘cause of this, I wantcha to holler at me if you’re interested in a sports league investment that’s guaranteed to make y’all a mint! And if y’all ain’t interested but is just lookin’ for a good time at an affordable price, the email’s firstname.lastname@example.org.
Spanks and kisses,
J.R. “Red” Yellow