(Full story here.)
First of all, thank you to Fun Time Internet for hosting my impromptu statement. The deal I am preparing to discuss came together very quickly, and I thought it would be duly appropriate to host it on a small Canadian website that could very much use the traffic.
It has been almost two years since my quest to buy an NHL hockey team began. In 2009, this quest ended unexpectedly when the league and Commissioner Gary Bettman barred me from bidding on the Phoenix Coyotes. But the Make It Seven team and I never stopped working towards a solution, and I believe we are close enough to a deal that I can announce it today.
I, Jim Balsillie, am buying a fantasy hockey team.
The team is “Jimz Thrasherz”, and plays in Yahoo! Fantasy Sports’ “No Douches Allowed” league. They were a perfect choice because the team has suffered from recent neglect – Andrei Markov has not been scratched from the line-up since suffering an achilles injury, costing Jimz Thrasherz valuable points in the process – and the fan base has begun to dwindle, as the current owner, Jim, has not bragged to his girlfriend about his “awesome wingers” in almost three weeks. As well, they’re already named after me. No re-branding required.
I’m sure some of you are wondering, “Why would you buy a fantasy hockey team? They’re free!” For one, the season has already begun, and it’s hard to find seven other General Managers. And second, buying things from people is a huge rush. First they own it, then you do. My, that’s hot. This morning, I went to a coffee shop, and instead of purchasing a two dollar bagel from the stand, I bought one an elderly man was preparing to eat for twenty-five dollars. It’s only fun because I’m not supposed to have it.
I’m also happy to announce that I’ve signed a ten-year lease with the Copps Coliseum to relocate the Thrasherz to Canada and finally bring a team to his hockey-starved town. Beginning on January 1st, fans will be invited to a weekly event where I will select a line-up with the help of my nephew Darby. Evgeni Malkin, Phil Kessel, Marty Turco – come see us mention your favourite NHL stars!
We expect to have the deal with Jim finalized at some point tomorrow morning. It would be sooner, but Jim’s shift at Picky-Pie’s Liquor Store and Hair Salon runs 3-11. Please continue to check this website for updates, and thank you for your time, and your Tweets. Free Blackberries for everyone.
- Billionaire Jim Balsillie