So we know this guy named Bobert. He lives down the hall and he is weird. We’re pretty sure Bobert was either home-schooled or raised by wolves. Maybe he was home-schooled by wolves. From time to time, he comes over and asks for help, be it quarters for the washing machine or if we can help him pray. How do you help someone pray?
But recently, during what must have been a late night infomercial binge, he saw the ad for Dollars4Gold, the in-all-likelihood-crooked service where they send you an envelope and you send them back all the gold you own for a price they get to determine. What could go wrong there? Bobert rushed over this week, claiming to be low on funds due to “giving all my money to that guy on TV” and asked us to help him submit a Gold Pack to Dollars4Gold. Problem was, he doesn’t own any gold, and neither do we. And thus an experiment was born: to see if we could get money from Dollars4Gold without sending them any actual gold.
Here’s Bobert with the brochure, featuring noted limey pitchman Anthony Sullivan flashin’ the cash. It’s all about the Bordens, baby! Why is a British person who lives in the United States so happy about a fistful of Canadian money?
At this point, Bobert got really excited and said it was going to be all golden showers from here on out. We informed him that the term “golden shower” has an unsavory alternate meaning, to which he replied, “Oh, I know what it means.”
So far, so good. Technically, we’re going to meet all of the requirements. And after all, it would just be hacky to send in a fake gold tiara or something. We can do better than that.
We eased into things with some gold chocolate coins. The Jewish folks call it gelt. Silly faith; even their chocolate is hoarded riches! Here’s hoping they don’t liquify in transit.
Estimated Dollars4Gold value: $26.00. Note that these coins have a date of “2020”. Future money filled with chocolate? How could that not be valuable?
Then we added some Golden Grahams.
Estimated Dollars4Gold value: $3.10. We couldn’t price them at much more than we paid to buy the box, as Golden Grahams is one of the only breakfast cereals not doggedly pursued by some manner of jonesin’ anthropomorph.
Get in there, Goldmember! If you’ve seen the Fook Yu/Fook Mi scene, you know this flick is gold in more than one sense of the word. But why does Dollars4Gold make the bag so got-dang small?
They’re just gonna melt it down anyway. Thanks for the memories, Austin. You helped me through some dark times.
That’s m’like it.
Estimated Dollars4Gold Value: $53.00. Might seem like a lot for just one movie, but this is the Infinifilm Edition. Where else are you going to learn through pop-up infographics how Mike Myers came up with the idea for Fat Bastard to soil a sumo thong?
Then we added some gold foil hockey cards. I once tried to melt the gold off with a lighter when I was a kid and just got sent to the office. They must have known I was onto something.
Estimated Dollars4Gold Value: $86.00. All that glitters must be gold!
And it’s not a Dollars4Gold pack without a copy of the Gold-certified album Beauty in Negative Spaces by Seether. Thanks, Uncle Ryan! When you blindly grabbed a CD from the HMV “Charting” rack in 2007, you didn’t know the riches you’d one day bestow upon me.
Of course we had to bash it with a wrench to get all the pieces to fit.
Estimated Dollars4Gold Value (intact): $0.90.
Estimated Dollars4Gold Value (destroyed): $1.15.
And to top it all off, we enclosed an extra Dollars4Gold Gold Pack. I knew there was a reason we sent away for another one: to be jerks!
Estimated Dollars4Gold Value: $23.00.
And there we have it: our stupid bag of crap! The grand total we’re owed: $192.25.
And off Bobert went to the post office, happily singing a hymn entitled “From Tha Chuuuch To Da Palace”. Fun guy.
The motherload is currently en route to St-Laurent, Quebec. Will we get the dollars we deserve? Can I at least have my John Vanbiesbrouck card back? Is this going to backfire like that time I mailed that sneezing powder to my buddy at the newspaper? Stay tuned to this post for updates!