Attention puny worthless humans – this means you!
It is drawing near to the second anniversary of my glorious dictatorship of your pathetic planet! It’s a time of great reflection – by which I’m not referring to the GREAT REFLECTION I see in the mirror – of MYSELF! C’mon, people, that was a joke! Just because I robbed you of all your freedoms and made you my slaves doesn’t mean I robbed you of a sense of humor… excluding those of you I lobotomized. So c’mon, laugh a little. THAT WASN’T A SUGGESTION!
What gives, people? I take over your planet, I make you all my slaves, I make your hottest daughters my concubines, and I’m still not good enough for you! I live in a giant fortress – on a mountain – that’s hovering two hundred feet above a lake of lava – that’s populated by Fire Sharks! Doesn’t that impress any of you? What do you live in, a crammed concrete cell in the residential prison zone? Oh yeah, that’s real impressive – NOT! Where do you get off being so conceited?
So either I’ve completely crushed your spirits to the point that you’ve forsaken all emotion and all will to live… or you’ve hatched up some new scheme to get on my nerves! Just for that I’m PUNISHING YOU ALL with this new and arbitrary set of rules to live by, which I’ve just made up now off the top of my head!
Behold, Dr. Monster’s Ten Demandments:
1. GROVEL LIKE YOU MEAN IT
So much of your groveling is weak and uninspired. Now I know most of that is due to dehydration and malnutrition, but that doesn’t mean you can’t inject a little razzmatazz into your groveling routines. You folks just don’t realize importance of good groveling. It goes a long way in making me feel appreciated.
Speaking of feeling appreciated I’d just like to comment on my lavish birthday celebration last week. Frankly, it was lacking. Not nearly enough pyrotechnics, dancing robots, strippers, or dancing robot strippers. And the much-ballyhoo’d Bear vs. Shark cage match? Not as awesome as I’d hoped. I wanted a Grizzly bear, not a mangy old Russian circus bear. And I wanted a Great White Shark, not a Basking Shark. They eat krill. They don’t even have teeth! I would’ve settled for a Fire Shark. Worst. Birthday. Ever.
2. GIVE ME COMPLIMENTS, EVEN IF YOU DON’T MEAN IT
Remember that time I forced everyone to build me a giant planet-crushing space laser? I blew up the moon with that laser, just because I could. It was awesome! But obviously not awesome enough for any of you to give me a congratulatory high-five, thumbs up, or thank you card. Not even a “Hey man, thanks for blowing up the moon and all! You’re the coolest dictator ever. Here, have my 18-year old daughter!” Nothing! I have very low self-esteem and sense of self worth, so I’m really sensitive to these sorts of things.
The Moon Exploding
I’m the most powerful and most famous person on the planet, so how come I don’t have a fan club? I’m hereby ordering the creation of the Dr. Monster Fan Club. And you all have to join! And you all have to send me cards and letters telling me how awesome and magnanimous I am! Or else! It would really boost my self-esteem!
3. DON’T MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME
Unless told to do so. Even then it might just be a total psyche-out so I’ll have an excuse to execute you. Man, I love makin’ up rules!
4. JUST REMEMBER, I’M YOUR LEADER
When you support insurgent groups like the Freedom Force Five, it makes me feel inadequate. It’s really damaging to my self-esteem.
The Freedom Force Five
5. SCREAMING AND RUNNING AWAY FROM ME IN TERROR IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR – UNLESS I ARBITRARILY DECIDE TO HAVE YOU EXECUTED FOR IT
It makes me feel like a big shot. Soiling yourself in fear is even better. Just don’t make a mess on the floor. Or else!
6. WHEN I DEMAND YOU TO SEND ME YOUR VIRGIN DAUGHTERS WHAT I REALLY MEAN IS FOR YOU TO SEND ME YOUR ATTRACTIVE DAUGHTERS
I cannot stress this enough.
7. AT DR. MONSTER’S OLYMPIC GAMES, THERE’S ONLY 1 RULE: I WIN EVERY EVENT
I don’t want a repeat of the last games. Man, it made me feel bad. The losing, that is. Not the execution of the winners. That part actually made me feel great. This rule also applies to Dr. Monster’s Academy Awards, Dr. Monster’s People’s Choice Awards, and Dr. Monster’s Little Miss Rhode Island Beauty Pageant.
8. WHERE’S MY FUCKING TIME MACHINE?
Okay, I guess this doesn’t really count as a Demandment, but I’ve been waiting for like two years now! So the scientists say time travel is impossible? Does it look like I give a gosh-darn-dang?!
How else am I supposed to live my boyhood dream of defeating the Roman Empire with an army of MECHS? It would be just like playing Civilization II on Cheat Mode! Only for real! SOOOOO AWESOME!
9. LAUGH AT MY JOKES
Laugh like your life depends on it. ‘Cause it does. My 10 PM prime time comedy/variety show is floundering in the ratings. Am I gonna have to move back to the 11:30 timeslot?
10. BE MY FRIEND
Seriously, guys, I know I can come off a bit strong. Heck, I might even come across as a bit of a bully. But being grand dictator of Earth is just so gosh darned lonely. Nobody wants to hang out with me unless I pay them to. And that just makes me feel even lonelier. If you could all just find a place in your hearts for the little dictator nobody wanted, then I know that we could…what am I saying? Be my friend or else! It’s not like you have much of a choice.
I hereby end this transmission.
I’m bored! Let’s see who’d win a fight: a Fire Shark or a Laser Bear…
Fire Shark vs. Laser Bear: Greatest Decisive Battle on Earth!
