I’ve just returned from Hollywood, in Los Angeles. I was there for the Academy’s Awards. After the ceremonies I went out on the town with a couple of my pals: the evening’s hosts, Steve Martin and the only remaining Baldwin, Alec. They kept saying it was a “guys’ night out” and that even though they both had high-powered agents, tonight they were “free agents” looking to sign on to “any indie project they could find”.
They said they were looking for the “Diablo Cody of women”. They said they would “write HER screenplay”, and they weren’t talking about Juno if you knew what they meant. I didn’t know what they meant. They also alluded to “chasing tail” every five or six minutes. I didn’t know what that meant either. After a while, it became evident.
Here are some of the things I heard them say on Guys’ Night Out.
“My hair’s been white since I was twenty, so I could be twenty.”
“Have you seen Shopgirl? My character dates a younger woman, about your age, and my character is about my age. I based it on a true story, a true story from the future. It’s based on you, you and me.”
“You’re much prettier than Claire Danes. You are Claire Danes? Oh, never mind.”
“Facelift? I’m just a comedian, why would I get a facelift? To get a part in Cheaper By The Dozen? Yeah, right. Yeah, you’re right.
“You like 30 Rock? I’ll buy you thirty rocks, thirty diamonds… no, that was for the sake of poetry, but I’ll buy you one or two.”
“Here’s a picture of my daughter. Oh, that person next to her? That’s what I used to look like.”
“Remember when I was great? Okay, keep remembering it. Keep remembering it. Keep remembering it. Keep remembering it. Keep remembering it. Keep remembering it…”
“Did you see us host the Oscars? Wasn’t it funny when we made fun of each other? We actually really like each other. Do you like us each other?”
“Have you seen The Shadow?”
“If you say I’m washed up one more time… I’ll keep sitting here ’cause you’re pretty and I think you’re really beautiful.”
“You’re not impressed by money? I’ll impress you with my acting then. What should I act like?”
“Yes, we were in It’s Complicated. You know what’s not complicated? Your eyes. They are simple, simply beautiful. Hang on, I’ll make a call. Nancy, can you make a movie called It’s Simple, Simply Beautiful? Starring… what’s your name, sweetheart?”