I was recently asked for an interview by actor and young man James Franco. Having been a fan of his tight facial skin for some time, I obliged.
James Franco: Tom Henry, an absolute pleasure.
Tom Henry: Nice to see you James. Just call me Tom.
JF: Great. Just call me James.
TH: I did.
JF: Just call me James Dean.
JF: Ha ha, yeah, just kidding. I’m really sick of that comparison actually.
TH: You brought it up.
JF: You know, sometimes you just want to be your own person, but people are so simple that they can only understand things by comparing them with things they’re already familiar with.
TH: That’s a wise take on it, I think.
JF: Can a guy not just be an actor named James who looks like James Dean and plays James Dean and acts like James Dean?
TH: Personally, I think you look kind of like Bill Pullman.
JF: Not James Dean?
TH: A bit, I guess.
JF: That really offends me.
TH: Sorry, I thought you didn’t like the…
JF: You’re tearing me apart!
TH: Right. Do you have any questions you want to ask me?
JF: Sure. Would you believe me if I told you I was a ghost?
TH: Seriously? What, the ghost of James Dean?
JF: That’s not what I was going to say. You think you’re so smart.
TH: I apologize, go on.
JF: A ghost that hangs out at graveyards, y’know?
TH: OK, sure.
JF: And one day, this ghost, y’know, the ghost that I am, wanders upon this one certain dead guy’s body, and goes inside of him and starts making him move around and talk and seem alive again.
TH: OK, and the dead guy is James Dean.
JF: Do you believe it?
TH: I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
JF: Why, you scared?
TH: I am a little scared of you.
JF: Don’t be scared. I, the ghost that I am, am now completely in control of this body, like that movie, Being James Dean.
TH: Being James Dean?
JF: Yeah, you know, Being James Dean, that movie with John Malkovich.
TH: OK, whatever. Where did you get the name Franco from then?
JF: I guess there’s this guy who thinks he’s my dad, and his name is Franco. I guess he’s crazy or something, him and his wife, and all of their relatives.
TH: They must be really upset.
JF: Typical of the living. All of my other ghost-in-body friends have the same problems.
TH: There are others?
JF: Yeah. You know Gerard Butler?
JF: He’s actually a ghost inside of Colin Farrell’s dead body.
TH: That doesn’t make sense, James, Colin Farrell isn’t dead.
JF: OK, maybe I just heard that from my friend Colin Hanks. You know Colin Hanks?
JF: He’s actually a ghost inside of Tom Hanks’ body.
TH: Again, Tom Hanks is alive.
JF: Are you kidding me?! Have you seen how much they look alike?
TH: Listen James, sometimes people just look alike, especially if they’re related.
JF: C’mon, quit tearing me apart.
TH: James, I think you need to talk to someone. I can put you in touch with a guy, you could go over there right now.
JF: Yeah, great, let me just drive my sports car over there really fast. Do you still feel good about sending me over there?
TH: Listen, why don’t you just go lie down on the couch for a bit?
JF: Yeah, sure, maybe I’ll take a GIANT nap.
TH: OK, buddy.
JF: Giant is a James Dean movie. My body will give you an autograph about it if you like.