A couple months ago I took a lookyloo at the local Humane Society. And all the cute caged critters there were desperate for me to take them home. They didn’t know anything about me. Yet they were DESPERATE for me to take them home. And I could choose any one I wanted. It got me to thinking: if only meeting women was this easy. And then I realized it is! All thanks to the Female Prison Pen Pal Program.
But I’m not one to dive headfirst into the unknown; after all, I’m a lousy swimmer. In order to make an informed decision I rented a number of films on the subject – Kitten in a Cage, Women in Cages, Caged Heat, Chained Heat, Caged Heat II: Stripped of Freedom, Chained Heat 2001: Slave Lovers, Caged Heat 3000 – let’s just say I did a LOT of research. From my extensive viewing, I learned the following about women’s prisons:
• All women in prison are SUPER HOT!
• All women in prison spend much of their time topless.
• Women in prison make out with each other ALL THE TIME. I can only assume this is because they’re so desperate for a man. And fortunately I just so happen to be a man.
• Women in prison are very good in a fight. Awesome! No more need to fight my own fights anymore!
• The heroine in every women’s prison film is BY FAR the hottest chick in the whole prison. And she’s imprisoned for crimes she didn’t commit. Therefore, the hotter the female convict, the more innocent she is. Which is great ‘cause my parents want me to marry a nice Christian girl.
Armed with this newfound knowledge, I scoured the Interwebs for female prison pen pal sites. Due to fear of litigation I am not revealing the names of these sites and am obscuring the faces of the prisoners. Let’s take a lookyloo at some of the online offerings:
“My name’s Peaches, but you can call me Cinnamon Delight.”
My Thoughts: Are either of those names your real name?
“This is my third and definitely last time in prison.”
My thoughts: Where have I heard that phrase before? Oh yeah, it was on the “Trailer Park Boys,” a show about career criminals constantly being sent to jail.
“Looks ain’t shit to me.”
My thoughts: Neither is grammar evidently.
“I’m out soon and just need a place to relocate once I’m out. I will cook, I will clean, I will satisfy in every way. Nothing is out of the question: Pictures, videos. ANYTHING YOU WANT!!”
My Thoughts: Maybe you should be posting this on craigslist.org
“A lady on the street, a freak in the sheets.”
My thoughts: I’m not gonna touch this one.
After hours of ogling, I narrowed it down to 3 curvaceous convicts:
Imprisoned Bachelorette #1: Esta
HAIR COLOR: Blonde
EYE COLOR: Blue
MARITAL STATUS: Never Married
CONVICTED OF: Embezzlement
CURRENT RELEASE DATE: 5/04/2011
“Grab your oven mitts guys cuz this lady is hot!!! Lovely lonely locked up lady is ready for a new beginning. I am looking for an older man who is confident, charming, and financially secure. You’ve had the resta, now enjoy the besta, with Esta! If you’re the one, you’ll pass the testa!”
My Thoughts: Guilty of embezzlement and poor rhyming structure.
Imprisoned Bachelorette #2: Dena
HAIR COLOR: Brown
EYE COLOR: Brown
MARITAL STATUS: Never Married
CONVICTED OF: Mail Fraud
CURRENT RELEASE DATE: 12/01/2010
“Tall, slim, athletic. Completely honest and caring, very lonely. Seeking romance. I’m a certified Braille transcriber and I love giving blind students the textbooks they desperately need. I’m an honor inmate and live in honor housing here. The best living conditions here in the institution. I’m a member of the varsity volleyball team here. Patiently waiting to hear from you.”
My Thoughts: Her prison has a varsity volleyball team?! That wasn’t in any of the movies I saw! And she works with the blind! She’s in prison and she’s still a better person than most of the people I know. This girl is actually too good for me!
Pages: 1 2