Bride: Sherrie Bethalyn Munro
Groom: Merle “The Pearl” Head (planner’s note: groom has legally changed his middle name to his nickname)
6:45 – Wedding party in annex with refreshments – Pringles and Mountain Dew UltraViolet
7:00 – Seating of Honored Guests – Bride’s great-grandmother, Groom’s parole officer
Begin Processional Music
– Bride’s family to be seated
– Groom’s family asked to stop tailgating and be seated
– Pastor enters – is to wear a “Must Be This Tall To Get Molested” novelty T-shirt (pastor approval pending)
– Groom enters to the song “Highway to Hell – AC/DC”. Groom to be wearing professional wrestling belt. Groom to not be wearing pants.
– Groomsmen and Bridesmaids enter
– Maid of Honor and Best Man enter
– Flower Girl enters – Sherrie’s niece
– Ring Boy enters – Tard Boy of Opa-Locka’s 109.3 The Rockin’ Lock’s “Morning Fuckups”
Begin Wedding March
– Bride enters with Father
– Fat Ass Pete, head bouncer from the Snackered Toad, enters to restrain Bride’s Father from strangling Groom
Ceremony and Vows
– Groom has prepared own vows (planner’s note: Groom is to be prompted with next line if he spaces out)
“Wow, what an honer to be here. Not just with my beautiful new soon to be wife, but also Tard Boy, the funniest Fuckup of them all. If this wasn’t a holy day I’d ask you to do the $3,000 Crap on a Dime stunt.
Anyways, welcome to the Merle Gets Married show. A lot of you said I’d never get hitched. But you dumbasses also said that one day I’d drunk drive my car into the ravine and kill myself, and you were only half right about that one.
Sherrie, my old lady. We go together like peanut butter and jelly, and we’re always thinking what the other one’s thinking. Like when I said that instead of taking Head as your last name, I wanted you to make it Harley-Davidson. You said sure, and then you started crying, but that was only cause you got all those things in your eye.
I changed my whole life around so we could get a fresh start together. I quit my lame ass job at the Mayor’s Office, half because the pay was crap, and half because they were always hating on me for spreading lice. So I started my new deal bootlegging movies, which is paying off huge. I ain’t sold any yet but I did figure out a way to sneak hot dogs into the theater by stashing em in my sock.
Sherrie I promise to love you forever, for life, for all of my days. I also promise we’re going to Lolla this year, cause you can’t pass on Soundgarden, plus I stopped buying booze for those kids that hang around the convenience store so I probably won’t be in jail this time. But don’t hold me to shit!
Also while I got you all here, if anyone’s looking for Avatar on DVD holler at your boy. But don’t waste your time if you can’t handle the Pearl’s special guest commentary. Good ass quality on this one, the camera only shakes when I’m laughing my balls off at the cripple getting with the big-titted blue chick.
Love you, baby, now let’s get hammered!”
– Bride to sob openly
– Exchange of Rings to “Power Rangers Theme Song”
– Declaration of Marriage – at groom’s request, “You may now kiss the slag!” (pastor approval pending)
– Pastor adjourns ceremony to the foyer, where the Bride and Groom will be playing Singstar. Second round of Pringles and Mountain Dew UltraViolet.