– New X-Box Achievements: Any gamer who doesn’t snap and punch out the entitled know-it-alls in the midnight release line-up is awarded the “Patience of a Saint” achievement.
– Prequel Storyline: Gamers are given a chance to play as “The Masterchief” back when he was just “The Chief”.
– Bonus Play Modes: In “Frathouse Mode”, gameplay pauses itself every three minutes so players can take a wicked bong rip.
– Online Interaction Improvements: To silence obscene chatters in multiplayer mode, the oft-heard n-bombs will now automatically be censored to the more pleasing “brah”.
– Upgraded Corpse-Humping Physics: Mature players are afforded an improved teabagging animation, motion-captured by adult film star Duncan “Dunk ‘Em” Tichler.
– Added Menu Options: Through the “Payola” screen, game reviewers can enter their Paypal information and receive instant payment from Microsoft for their gushing reviews.
– Additional Difficulty Settings: After beating the game on “Hard” and “Legendary” modes, players will unlock “Crippling Emotional Issues” mode.
– New Vehicles: To finance the game’s nine-figure budget, all vehicles have been replaced by Toyota’s new spacious and elegantly-styled 2011 Avalon.
– New Costumes: When the bloody firefights get old, gamers can load the “Halo: Reach Runway” and outfit their character in one of twelve very pretty dresses.
– Downloadable Content: In a mission pack produced by the Tea Party Movement and released free of charge, the evil “Covenant” is replaced by “President Ba-whack Who?-Bama’s Kenyan Death Squad of Questionable Origin”.
– New Character Abilities: To disguise that it’s pretty much the same game as the last Halo, they threw in goddamn jet packs.
– Legendary Edition Packaging: For the ultimate Halo fan who’s been anticipating the game’s release for more than a year, it includes a limited-edition action figure, replica Spartan helmet and Halo-branded noose.