Santa, baby! This is Nick Selman, your new agent at Worldwide Artist Management. We’re really fucking jacked that you picked WAM (get it? “WHAM!”) to rep you this holiday season. ‘Cause from what I hear, the last guy to handle your biz, “Alabaster the Magic Elf”, just wasn’t getting the job done. I also heard he’s two feet tall. Pretty fucking weird. But that’s all in the past. Now you’re ballin’ with the big boys, Kringle! And I’ve got a few ideas to knock Christmas out of the park.
First of all, we gotta re-jig your appearance schedule. I’m looking at it right here, and apparently you’re making over 20,000 mall stops leading up to Christmas? You’re gonna work yourself to death, you crazy old bastard! We gotta think about impact, we gotta think about max yield. We’ll keep the big markets – New York, LA and Chi-town – but the rest get flushed down the crap toilet. You’re not really gonna miss Buttfuck-Nowhere, Kentucky, are ya? Anyway, peep this: I worked the phone and on 12/15, you’re gonna play beer pong on Fallon. That shit’s going viral!
Speaking of the ‘Net, you can’t do any more of this “sit on Santa’s lap and tell him what you want”. Comes off super creepy. I know you mean well, but everybody’s got a camera phone now. If you’ve got a kid on your knee and you accidentally pop a little candy cane in your pants ’cause you were scoping out his mom’s jugs, we’re roast beef.
Alright, here’s the awkward part. How does Santa feel about droppin’ a few? Now the big and jolly look plays well with Grandpa Bert and Little Gert, but we ran a couple of focus groups with the 18-49 demo, and they were very into a ripped Santa. Have you heard of the Slimband? My sister dropped a hundo pounds on it, and she was a fucking tub! You’re gonna look like Ryan Reynolds when we’re done with you, buddy!
And have you thought about an upgrade in the relationship department? Let me finish. Mrs. Claus is a good-looking chick – hell, I’m an ass man too – but the best way to get you and X-Mas some buzz in the blogosphere would be to kick her to the curb and get with a fox like Eva Longoria. She’s back on the market, pal. Oh yeah. We’ll book a photographer, get some shots of you two macking on each other at a trendy nightspot and leak ’em ourselves. “Santa’s single and ready to mingle!” My brain loves how that sounds!
One more thing: my job is to grow the Christmas brand, and right now, over 98.5% of Americans know that Christmas is going down on December 25th. That’s amazing customer awareness! But we broke the stats down by religion and, well, the results might make you shit. Less than one out of every five hundred Jews celebrates Christmas. That’s a demo we’ve gotta penetrate! Especially in Hollywood, and especially if we’re gonna get you on Dancing With The Stars. Oh, if I didn’t mention it: we’re gonna get you on Dancing With The Stars.
That should give you something to chew on up at the Pole. Have you thought about trucking your whole operation down here to Cali? It’s strawberry season twelve months a year, and you’ll give that seasonal affective thing a kick in the bag, ’cause I hear you get grouchy around present time! I’m just fucking with you. Hit me back, money!
Oh, and lose the beard.