Hello again, fellow outsider-art enthusiasts, and welcome to Part 2 of Fun Time’s read-through of internet giant Ulillillia’s “The Legend of the 10 Elemental Masters”! Read Part 1 for a summary of just who Uli is, and why anyone who’s anyone (and owns at least three video game consoles) has fallen head over heels in love with the man. And yeah, I’m aware I was supposed to be doing this thing weekly, but hey, like they say, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. Or, no, wait, sorry, I mean, “watching hours of Glenn Beck warning us about Obama’s growing immigrant death squads is more appealing than plodding through this thing”.
Uli Update
What’s been happening in the world of Ulillillia since we last talked? I’m glad you asked! Click here for the first of ten videos detailing Uli’s homemade 2010 fireworks show! Sit back, relax, and get ready for over forty minutes of edge-of-your-seat smokeball action and incredible sparkler combos! Apart from that, uh…
Well, back to The Legend of the 10 Elemental Masters.
When we left off, furry God-man Knuckles had just foiled the escape of a dangerous convict by magically teleporting him back to jail. He continues to glide his way towards an unknown destination as Scene 2 begins…
Scene 2 – A Sphere of Fire
Upon reaching his destination, Knuckles lands on the ground, in the expert manner you would expect a 300-year old living deity to:
Knuckles drops out of his glide, and immediately after landing, crashes into a tree, leaving both undamaged, even though the impact speed is about 660 mph.
Finally, we learn where our indestructible hero has been heading to: Erik Ramstad Middle School, where he senses an “event” about to occur. When he reaches the school, Uli shows his masterful command of prose and spends a few pages painting a vivid image of the setting:
The floor uses a carpet of a medium-light teal color (about FF0080A0) with occasional spots of medium green (about FF20810). The walls are painted a light blue-cyan color (about F60C0E0) for the lower half and off-white (about FFE0E0E0) for the top half.
Wow. Reminds me of early Hemingway. Now there was another dude who knew when to use a color code. Knuckles enters the school, and waits outside of a classroom, where we get a glimpse of our second protagonist:
Ivan is a 14-2/3-year-old eighth grade student who is a sports enthusiast with above average muscle mass. He is a 152-pound Native American 70 inches tall.
Phew! It’s good to know that when Elemental Masters is inevitably made into a movie, they’ll be broadcasting it on APTN a few years later. Uli, fight for casting control and don’t let those suits whitewash Masters like they did Avatar: The Last Airbender!
We’re also introduced to our third hero… or is it heroine? Lemme just check here… yeah, heroine.
Tu is a 15-year-old African American eighth grade student who is a science whiz. She is 66 inches and 140 pounds with below average muscle mass.
Good on you, Uli, for making your two human protagonists minorities! Zoe Saldana’s a shoe-in for Tu for the movie. Wait, “below average muscle mass”. Oh well, that’s what CGI’s for! . Anyway, Ivan finds a strange note attached to his test results:
Ivan: (upon seeing the pink note) What’s this? (reads it) See me outside as you leave. Knuckles. (stops reading, confused). What the?! That seems strange!
Utterly baffled to the point where it’s disconcerting, Ivan disregards the note, dismissing it as “a prankster going at it”. Knuckles, now invisible, watches his young wards as they start to make their way home… when all of a sudden:
A red (FFFF4000), hot, spherical monster three feet in diameter bursts out of the ground. The ball emits an obvious heat wave effect as if it were 800F.
Of course, even a ball of lava is no match for the omnipotent Knuckles, and the monster is quickly dispatched with a quick “ultimate freeze 6″ spell. Ever the model of calm, Knuckles departs with these empathetic words:
Knuckles: Anyway, you should go back to your parents and/or what you were originally doing. I’m not sensing anything for another 16 hours outside basic things, like crime.
Whoo, another chapter down. Now that we’ve been introduced to our three protagonists, from here on out I’ll just give you the Cliff’s Notes of each chapter, and highlight the endlessly quotable bits so you can impress at your next dinner party or parole hearing.
Scene 3 – It’s Party Time!
Knuckles, Tu, and Ivan attend a school party, where Knuckles pretty much just spends page after page monologuing about how great he is. According to him:
- “With my extremely high magic potency and magic accuracy, I haven’t missed or incorrectly cast a spell for more than 250 years”
- “I’m 314 and could live indefinitely, thanks to spells. Anyway, want to go there, at the speed of light?’
- “My chest sort of functions as a bank but more secure than anything humans have ever made”
- “Unlike beginners which fail and miss often and have little effect, I never miss and my effects last for over 67 minutes, plenty long”
- “Remember, I have a spell for pretty much anything”
Wow, it’s almost like he doesn’t have any weaknesses at all! Surely we’ll all be on the edge of our seats over the course of the next 200 pages as this perfect being slaughters every threat effortlessly! Also, get a load of that bank-chest.
Act 2: Meeting the Real Villain
Scene 4 – Strange Quakes
Knuckles teleports himself, Ivan, and Tu to the local airport, where he purchases 3 tickets to Puerto Rico. Why, you ask? Yep, you guessed it:
Airport ticket seller: “Here for that event you sensed?”
Yep, you’re reading that correctly: Knuckles teleports himself and his friends to the airport. To buy tickets. To get on an airplane for an hours-long flight to Puerto Rico. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something’s not quite right about this whole thing. Oh, that’s it: in a post 9/11 world, I’m pretty sure airport security would be a lot tighter.
Our three heroes learn from CNN that strange earthquakes are occurring all over the world. CNN reporter:
“We’ll wait for any word from Knuckles about this”
Yep, even the mighty Cable News Network bows before the journalistic integrity of Knuckles. They were all wowed by his in-depth 2003 doc about how crazy-rad he is at magic.
Knuckles teleports Ivan and Tu onto the plane… just as the airport starts quaking all around them! In the nick of time, Knuckles magics the plane into the air and has a rare moment of doubt:
Knuckles: “I wasn’t sensing that (one-second-pause), or was I? (half-second-pause) I was sensing it!
Our heroes are off to sunny Puerto Rico! In an airplane! With a dude who teleports across the globe in the blink of an eye. They call that a “paradox”. They also call that “dumb as hell”.
Scene 5 – An Unexplained Flight
Scene 5 starts with a bang as the plane is attacked by another fiery sphere monster! This could be exciting! Whoop – nope, Knuckles takes it out almost instantaneously, and saves the day once again. A few dozen pages detailing the immense power of Knuckles’ spells later, and the plane lands safely in Puerto Rico.
Knuckles, to the airplane pilot: “I’ll give you a hundred dollar bill for your efforts”.
Pilot (taking the money): “Thank you”
Scene 6 – Knuckles Live!
As the plane lands, Knuckles is immediately accosted by a CNN reporter Jimmy Wilson (he was great when he was embedded in Iraq) and put on the air live. You know what that means! It’s time for more endless bragging about how sweet at everything Knuckles is!
“You can’t see the effects of the powerful spells, because time stops when they occur”
“I destroyed it with my most powerful spell, ultimara6, which obliterates anything”
Jimmy Wilson: “What an unusual event! You really are powerful!”
“With 467% magic accuracy, missing is extremely unlikely. I need to go to Hawaii though”
End of Act 2.
There you have it! We’ve come a long way, but we’ve barely scratched the surface of this epic work. In Part 3, we’ll speed through all of Act 3, and maybe even beyond! Probably way beyond. I wanna knock this thing out before the next Shark Week.
Jimmy Wilson: “Bye!”
Postscript: dream casting so far for the “Elemental Masters” movie:
Tu – Zoe Saldana. Second choice: Raven from “That’s So Raven”.
Ivan – C’mon, easy: Taylor Lautner. Bring in the Team Jacob dollars.
Knuckles – Hmm, a furry dude who’s always super-smug about how great he is. Who cou -
