• Supervillain Baron Bugworth stews as his latest plot, unleashing thousands of bees into South African soccer stadiums, goes unnoticed in light of the vuvuzela craze.
• Geeks worldwide are disappointed to find that South African culture bears little resemblance to the scenario depicted in sci-fi hit District 9. The World Cup is given 1 1/2 “Shia LeBeouf Heads” by blog site AintIAHugeNerdo.com
• An opening night ceremony honoring 1960’s superstar Edward Cuizhaldio turns awkward when it comes to light Cuizhaldio has been dead for years. A compromise is reached when officials decide to “just stick any old dude up there”, and visiting American tourist Gord Frochey is thrilled by the newfound recognition and fame until he realizes that it’s “for soccer, of all the gay-ass things”.
• 
After Uruguay clinches the top spot in its group, the “Little Uruguay” neigbourhood of most major cities explodes in orgiastic celebration.
• North Korean players are reluctant to return home after their quick elimination, and their concerns about being “tortured to death” and “skinned alive” are dismissed by most as sour grapes.
• France’s national team refuses to take the field for practice after a dispute with their coach. Shortly thereafter, Ivory Coast’s team refuses to take the field after becoming fairly sure that Ivory Coast is not a real country.
• Frustrated by yet another scoreless game, veteran American sportscaster Jack Tenlin falls asleep while commentating, and viewers only notice something is amiss when he starts mumbling about being chased by “a panda that’s got a bod like my ex-wife”.
• In an effort to make soccer feel more familiar to North Americans, FIFA organizers introduce a new mascot tailored to appeal to our sensibilities: Footie, a gigantic amorphous blob emblazoned with 385 corporate logos.
• Right wing pundit Ben Burkler gets into hot water after his controversial remarks comparing the sport of soccer to “some kind of socialist mind control… seriously, have you seen how BROWN some of these people are?”
• A clear goal by England is missed by referees in their loss to Germany. To try and cool the tempers of angry English fans, FIFA President Sepp Blatter tries to play off the mis-call as an attempt at Monty Python-esque absurdist humor.
• After shattering television ratings records, the World Cup achieves its ultimate end goal: bringing the world together to pretend to care about the World Cup.
